I'm Sorry (Last Part)

Guys,
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here's the concluding part of this story.
pichle part mein by some reason "contd.." likh diya tha, warna tab hi yeh story nearly complete toh ho hi chuuki thi.
Muje laga ke ab readers ki anxiety khatm ho chuki hai, toh maine bhi iise aage badhane ka koi irada nahi kiya.
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Magr readers ke msg aate rahe ke jab itni dhang se yeh story likhi gayi hai toh iise waise hi dhang se, ek formal end dete hue pura karna padega...
Agla part chahe 10-15 line ka hi, ho magar isey likhkar post to karna hi chahiye.
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Toh maine isey ek sahi anjaam dene ka faisla kiya, aur yeh part likh liya.
Likhne ke baad mai khud hi tajjub reh gaya ke yeh part itna bada kaise ho gaya.
Khayaal aate rahe, aur us'se taal milati hui ungliya chalti rahe.. iis baat ki yeh ek sahi misaal hai.
Khair, kuch lenghty hi sahi, magar ab likh hi liya hai toh post bhi kar deta hu.
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Guys, mai jaanta hu, ke bahut kam logo ko iismein ab koi interest bacha hoga,
toh bina koi jyada ummid rakhte hue, agar aap chaahe, toh isey padh sakte hai.
but I'm sure.. aap utne toh bor nahi honge jitna aap ko darr hai...
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Apni unglio se baalo mein jel laga rahe Ronnie ko mai kaafi der tak dekhta raha.
"You look perfect yaar, Now come on, or we'll get late" -maine usey pyar se tokte hue kaha.
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"Sorry," -apne hi dhyan mein khoye hue rehte usne reply diya.
Woh meri aur muuda, apne chehre par apna haath le jaate hue woh kuch der thehra aur bola- "Actually, I've got a gift for you."
Ek nashili muskaan dekar woh bedside-table ki aur gaya.
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"Seriously..? What is it..?" -mere andar ka bachcha jaag utha.
Magar bahar kuch na dikhate hue mai waise hi chup-chaap khada rha, aur Ronnie ko drawer se ek chhota sa box nikalte dekhta raha.
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Ronnie meri taraf aaya, apni chamakti hui aankho se muje takta hua,
aur muje ek dark blue colour ka box diya jiske upar ek goldern colour ki ribbon baandhi hui thi.
Maine usey ek smile di.
Meri expressions ke badalne ke andese se, Ronnie apni dhimi dhimi muskaan rok na paney ki wajah se apne hontho ko daba raha tha.
Kitna pyara lag rha tha woh aisa karte hue..!
maine halke se ribbon khol di, taake mai box ka dhakkan khol saku.
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"Aw Ronnie..!" -I beamed enthusiastically- "You didn't..! Thank you so much, it's perfect..!"
mere dil mein khushi ki ek lehar si daud padi.
Yaar, I cudn't believe ke usne mere liye yeh kharida hai.
Kai ek baar laptop par on-line purchase ki website par iis khubsurat cheez ko pyar se taakte hue, Ronnie ne muje dekh liya hoga aur perefectly yaad bhi rakha hoga.
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Maine uus behtarin si Hugo-Boss ki writst-watch ko bistar par rakha, taaki mai Ronnie ko apni aagosh mein le saku.
"Thank you, that was so thoughtful of you," -usko tightly hugg karte hue mai halke se uske kaano mein fusfusaya.
uskey silky baal mere gaalo par masti ke rang bhar rahe thhe.
Maine ek gehri saans li.
Kuchh dino pehle maine gift ki hui cologne usne laga rakhi thi.
Uske maathe par ek kiss dekar mai us'se alag ho gaya.
Fir usey upar-niche dekhta raha.
His amazing fitting jeans with a red n white shirt where he'd rolled the sleeves up, looked incredible on him.
Perfect even.
"You're so handsome, you know?" -jaagti hui tharak se meri aawaz kuch bhaari ho chali.
sharma kar halki muskaan ke mithe mithe moti bikherte hue Ronnie ne nazre fer li.
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Bistar par se maine woh ghadi utha li, aur apni kalaai par baandh li.
Fir apna haath kuch aage badha kar apni nazro ke saamne le aaya, ta ki mai uus badhiya cheez ko meri kalaai par leepti hui dekh saku.
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"Thank you so much, -Koi teenager apne favourite Cricketer ya Rock-star ko ru-ba-ru dekh kar jaise aah bhare, waisi ek expression mere muuh se nikal gayi.
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"Well, I obviously wanted to get you something. It is our `six-month-anniversary'..." - Ronnie ne apni aankhe nachate hue aaj ki raat ka importance jataate hue kaha.
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Six months we've been back together for, after I had torn us apart with my cheating ways.
But after that I'm thankful everyday to Ronnie for giving me a second chance.
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"Ha, well yes. and I have something for you too. But you just have to wait..!" -maine uske utsaah ko badhaate hue kaha
aur dekha ke uski chamkili aankhe aur bhi tez aur nashili ho chali, usmein bharti hui masti ki wajah se.
"Come on.." -uska haath apne haatho mein lete hue maine kaha.
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Jaise hi ham bahar nikle aur mai ghar ka darwaaza lock kar rha tha, tab usne playfully mere pichhwade par ek thapaat maari.
Hanste hue mai uske piche bhaga, usey pakad kar apne siney se jakadne ke liye, magar woh aage bhaga aur car mein ja kar baith gaya.
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"Ok.. but trust me, I'll get you back later tonight..!" -I winked.
"Come on fast, I'm starving.. I might soon get some Carbonara with extra garlic bread." -Ronnie ne machal kar kaha.
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I laughed, bcoz he didn't say anything new
kaafi arsey se mai jaanta hu ke egg, cheese aur spaghetti se banti hui iis italian dish Carbonara ka Roniie hardam diwaana raha hai.
Uske saath lasuun waale bread ki match usey perfect lagti aayi hai.
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iis sentence ko kehte hue uski naachti hui aankho ki aur mai dekhta rha.
Really, how could i ever cheat on him, he makes me so happy..
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Frankie Restaurant mein ek young waiter na ham dono ko hamara table dikhaya.
Yeh hardam Ronnie ki favourite restaurant rahi hai.
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"Can I get you some drinks, sirs?" -apni thaki hui aankho ko ek halki si muskaan se sajaate hue waiter ne hamse puchha.
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"Um, I'll have a Kingfisher Strong beer please. What about you Ronnie?"
"ditto, please." -Apni chair nazdik khinch kar baithte hue Ronnie bola.
Usne menu-card haath mein liya aur study karne laga aur mai Ronnie ko aisa karte hue study karne laga.
Jabhi bhi woh kisi cheez par concentrate karta hai toh uski zubaan halki si uske hontho ke beech se bahar aa jaati hai. aur aisi mudra mein kitna cute lagta hai woh..
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Mai jaanta tha ke muje kya mangwana hai.
Aur iis mein bhi koi shaq nahi tha ke chahe kitna bhi menu-card ko padhe, fianally toh Ronnie Carbonara aur garlic bread hi mangwane wala tha.
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"Here it is sir," -beer aur 2 glass le aa kar waiter ne kaha-. "you ready to order sir ? Or after a few minutes..?"
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"We're ready, thanks." -Ronnie ki aur bina dekhe maine kaha- "Carbonara, with garlic bread, Veg Kolhapuri, fingerchips and stuff parotha.."
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"Ok sir," -kehte hue waiter Ronnie ke aage se menu sarka kar utha liya.
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Ronnie ka muuh khulla hi reh gaya. chakiit sa reh kar woh halka muskura diya.
"Arrey.. ! How did you know I didn't want something else? I may have wanted pizza either?" -usne khilkhilate hue fight-back kiya.
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"Because you always get Carbonara..! -maine usey tokte hue kaha.
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"Yes sir, why to change a habit of a life-time..?' -waiter ne muhje support karte hue kaha, aur waha se chala gaya.
Hamdono usey jaate hue dekh kar, fir ek duje ko dekhne lage.
Innocently aur anjaane mein hi sahi, woh kaisi baat keh kar gaya.
Hamdono ko ek dusre ki ek aadat si padd gayi hai, since last many months and years.
toh usey badalne ki koshish bhi kyun karni chahiye thi muje..?
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Muje hakka-bakka sa dekh Ronnie ne mazaak mein muje table ke nichey ek halki si kick maari.
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"Haa..anyway, I'm just nipping for a piss.." -maine kursi sarka kar khade hote hue kaha, aur toilet ki aur badha.
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Andar jab mai haath muuh dho raha tha, tab achanak mere peit mein ek sannata sa chha gaya, jab maine waha andar Assif ko khade hue dekha.
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"Aasif." -ek saans chuuk jaate hue mai bol pada- "Fuck, what are you doing here?"
"Hey..kya chal raha hai Nikhil, " -muje upar se niche tak dekhte hue Aasif bola- "Looking good yaar." -apni zubaan hontho par ferte hue woh aage bola.
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"I..I can't talk. Muje Ronnie ke paas jaana hai." -mai hadbada kar kuch bol pada, kyo ke kuch samaz main nahi aata tha.
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Asif meri taraf jhuka.
Usne apni aankhe kuchh baarik kar di, unhe seductive banane ke liye.
"Yaar, I've missed our meetings, Nikhil. Uus bachche se kaisa chal raha hai aajkal..? You bored of him again, yet..?"
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muje laga ke kuch jyada hi interfere kar rha tha woh..
"Everything's great actually. We're closer than ever." -apne aap ko recover karte hi, achanak meri aawaz kuch kadak aur tikhi bann gayi.
"Of course you are..." -ek madhosh si muskaan apne chehre par laate hue woh bola.
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mera gala sukhne laga.
mai nahi chahta tha ke Ronnie iise yaha dekhe.
Is'se toh hamari puuri shaam ka satyanash ho sakta hai.
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"Whatever Aasif, " -apni muthhiya zoro se bandh kar ke bahar jaane ke liye mai uske bagal se saraka.
Magar usne muje kamar se pakad liya aur muje apni taraf khincha.
"Come on Nikhil, you know that you want to.." -woh mere kaan mein halke se bola- tum muje kamar se niche jhuka kar, chaho toh apna hathiyar.." 
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muje yaad aa gaye woh din jab maine uske saath Woo-doo ke toilet mein sex kiya tha.
Ek pal ke liye meri tharak ko jaagne se mai rok nahi paya, aakhir mai bhi ek mard hu.
Magar fir woh peit mein uthne waale anjaane sannate ne muje saavdhan kar diya.
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mera jism, mera dil sab Ronnie ke liye hai.
ok yaar, toilet mein ek quickie kaafi maza de jayegi, magar Ronnie jo satisfaction de sakta hai uski comparision mein toh yeh kuch bhi nahi.
(Kaash aisa hi maine pehle socha hota, Ronnie ka dil todne se pehle)
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"No Aasif, not a chance.. Ab yeh sab bilkuul nahi hoga.." -Aasif ko ek halka sa dhakka dete hue, uski taraf kadi nazar se dekhkar thodi uunchi aawaz mein mai bol utha.
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"Yeah sure.. why not..?" -usne sarcastically muje toka- "Once a cheat, always a cheat, Nikhil.. You just can't help yourself.."
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"Don't be a dick about this." -usey fir se dhakka dekar mai toilet se bahar aa gya.
Muje uske saath arguement karne mein koi interest nahi tha.
Woh uske liye laayak bhi nahi tha.
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Apne table par ja kar jab mai chair par baitha, toh mera chehra dekh kar Ronnie ki aankhe chaudi ho gayi.
Confused ho kar woh bol pada-"What's wrong..? Why are you so flustered..?"
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Maine sirf apna sar yaha-waha hilaya. kuch bol hi nahi paya.
"Nikhil..Tell me.." -He demanded. Uski aawaz mein kuch darr bhara hua tha
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"Sorry...I...I just bumped into Aasif in the toilets." -apni fuuli hui saanso ko control mein lete hue mai bola.
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Fauran Ronnie ke chehre ka rang uud gaya.
Uski aankhe gili hoti chali.
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"Nothing's happened Ronnie.. I told him I wasn't interested.. I swear. He just pissed me off a bit with his reactions. But everything's fine, I promise." -maine kuch request ton mein kaha.
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apne hotho ko chabate hue, Ronnie nichey table ki aur dekhne laga..
Mai khada hua, uski baanh pakad kar usey bhi apne pairo par khada kiya.
magar woh meri taraf dekhne se raha.
Maine usey khinch kar bahar le jaane laga, taa ki ham dono ko baat karne ki kuch aur privacy mil sakey.
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Ronnie ka chehra apne haatho mein pakad kar apni taraf ghumaya,
magar ab bhi woh meri taraf na dekhte hue kahi aur dekhta raha.
Aisa lagta tha, ke kabhi bhi woh tuut sakta hai.
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"Ronnie. I swear nothing has happened. Nothing. Please, please believe me..?" -I begged.
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Finally usne meri taraf dekha.
Muje laga ke muje uski aankho mein dard nazar ayega.
Magar totally innocent si uski aankhe ab bhi utni hi massum thi, aur usmein koi aansu bhi nahi thhe.
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"I believe you. Sorry Nikhil, I reacted like that. I'm just...jealous." -apne kandhe uchhal kar kuch sharmate hue woh bola- "I hate the thought of him thinking, that he can just take you away from me. What makes him think he can just do that..? What a prick he is..." -Ronnie kuch kaduahat ke saath apna sar hilate hue bola.
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"No one Ronnie no one.. no one could ever take me away from you. You know I'd never do anything to hurt you again. I promise." -Maine use assurance deti hui ek muskaan offer kari, aur apna angutha uske gaal par ferte hue uski aankho mein apni aankhe gaad di.
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"I know." Ronnie ne haami bharte hue sar hilaya- "and thanks for telling me about bumping into him. I bet, you were scared telling me that." -apni muskaan bikherkar iis shaam ko aur bhi suhani banaate hue woh bola.
(Oh Ronnie, iis tarah ke waqt mein tumhari aisi pyari muskaan muje har woh baat bata deti hai, jo mai jaan'na chahta hu ke ham dono kitne aage tak badh aaye hai.)
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Maine excite hokar ek kiss de di usey.
Ronnie ne bhi bilkuul hesitate nahi kiya, muje kiss-back karne mein.
Uske haath meri shirt ko mazbuuti se pakad kar rakhe hue thhe.
Ham jaante thhe ke yeh semi-public area hai, magar aaj koi parwaah nahi thi hamey..
(Ohh Ronnie, I cant wait to get u home and make love to you.)
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Hamare dil ki dhadkan ab aur bhi jyada tez hoti chali, toh maine apne aap ko alag khinch liya, aur uski taraf muskura diya.
Ham dono kuch sharma gaye.
Maine niche nazar kari, meri tarah uska bhi hathiyar ab sajne laga tha.
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Maine apni jeb se ek chhota sa box bahar nikaal liya jo mai Ronnie ke liye laaya tha.
"I was going to wait till we got home. But I feel this seems to be the right moment for it.."
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Ronnie ki annkho mein hazaaro deep jal uuthe.
Woh box lekar jis betaabi se, woh usey khol rha tha, yeh dekh kar muje kaafi amusement mil rahi thi muje.
jab usne uus box ko khol kar andar dekha toh maine litarally usey ek saans nigalte hue suuna.
Mera dil fir apni ek dhadkan chuuk gaya.
"Nikhil.." - muje laga, ke uske galey mein uske aansu atak gaye thhe.
Usne box mein se woh band-ring nikali aur usey dekhne laga jis par ekdam baarik alphabets mein kuch tarasha hua tha.
I hope he can read those tiny writings.
"Ronnie, I'll luv u 4evr, n be urs 4ever" -Ronnie dhime se apne aap ke liye woh padha.
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mai uska reaction dekhne ke liye apni saans rok kar khada rha.
Usne meri aur upar dekha.
Uski aankhe beshaq namm ho chuki thi, magar uska chehra kisi khubsurat fuul ki tarah khil utha tha.
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"I love u so much..more than my self Nikhil.  I love u so much..!" -Ronnie ne meri kamar par apne haath pasaar kar muje hugg kiya..muje laga ke mai hawa se bhi halka ho chala hu.
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"I love you too. More than life itself." -Uske maath par ek kiss karte hue maine kaha
"and I'll spend forever, proving it to you.." -uski aankho par aayi hui baalo ki ek latt ko hatate hue maine usey apne siney se laga liya..                                  (The End)

Horny Student

Here's the video-clip of an always-horny-boy.
Uske drawing-teacher ne usey assignment di hai, kuch drawings banane ki.
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Ladke ka drawing toh achcha hai, magar dimag sahi nahi hai.
Koi bhi drawing banane ko start karta hai, ke kamina meri tarah fauran ulta hi sochna shuru kar deta hai.

aur fir,

uska haath waise hi ghumne lagta hai, jaisa uska tharki dimaag usey kehta hai.

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khair,

baad mein magar uus drawing ko woh sahi toh kar hi deta hai,

toh jyada tension wali baat nahi hai ham sab ke liye..

magar dekhne mein ek maza hai, ke kaise woh uus 'bigde' hue drawing ko sanwarta hai.

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speakers on karke dekhna dosto, toh aur bhi jyada maza ayega.

Happy Viewing..!

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I'm Sorry (13)

Ronnie ke saath raatbhar tuut kar pyaar karne ke baad, subah jab ham relaxed mood mein leite thhe,
tab..
usne fir se wohi baat chhedi,  ke usey mai baar cheat kiya hu toh uske pichhe koi to reason hogi..
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He was right..!
koi toh wajah thi hi na..!
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Ham dono ne apne aap ko khiinch kar ek duje se alag kar diya..
aur fir sidhey, peeth ke bal leit kar, ceiling ki aur taakne lage.
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Yes, muje Ronnie ke saath be-rehmi ki hadd tak honest hona padega.
sach chaahe jitna bhi kadua ho, uske saamne ek dawa ki tarah rakhna hi hoga..
juuth ke mithe zehar se toh, hamare reletionship ki yeh prem-lata murjaane lagi thi.
Agar hamare iis rishte ko fuulna-falna hai..
toh ab muje puuri imaandari ke saath us'se baat karni hogi.
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Dard se vichaleet mera gala, muje bolne ki manjuuri de, us'se pehle maine apni aankhe muund li.
So, here it goes...
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"I wish you could move on from Rocky." -maine itni tezi se yeh baat keh di, maano uske dil par se koi band-aid ki patti ukhaad raha tha- "I wish you had more confidence. And..and I wish you weren't so perfect..."
maine ek gehri saans li, fir muud kar uski aur dekha.
Woh chhatt ki taraf taake raha, uski aankho mein nami chhane lagi thi- "And.. I wish we could just go back in past-time, and have fun together like we used to Ronnie, before Rocky died."
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Meri chhati ko aur vazandaar banaate hue Ronnie ne apni aankhe muund li.
Mere galey mein atka hua woh lump aur bhi bada hota chala, jisey mai bahar nikal fenkna chahta tha.
Ronnie ko itna hurt karte hue kitna awful feel kar raha tha mai.
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"I know you're right." -Ronnie bola.
Uski aawaaz galey ki kharaash ki wajah se tuutne lagi thi,
Uska nichla honth kaampne laga tha- "I just...can't seem to let go..I know Nikhil, I've been pushing you away. But I would give anything to know why Rocky did it...why he left me.."
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"I wish I could help you." -ab meri bhi aawaaz tuutne lagi thi- "I've really tried to help you."
Maine ek laaambi saans chhori. Ronnie ko dilasa dene ki kit-kitni baar maine koshish kari thi, woh baat mere zehan mein fir se ubharne lagi-  "Ronnie, I cheat..I cheat because I crave some excitement. I know it sounds awful, but our home life has gotten so draining. You know, trying to comfort someone who cannot be comforted...it's heartbreaking, it's exhausting."
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"I'm sorry," -mera haath zoro se pakadte hue Ronnie ro pada.
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"I feel so guilty saying these things," -I said quietly- "Because I know you're amazing. I know it's not your fault. You are down. and  you lack confidence. But I miss how you used to be..so much."
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"Before Rocky died, did you ever cheat then..?" -apne hi khayaalo mein khoya hua Ronnie puuch baitha.
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Mera saara badan tangg ho gaya.
iis liye nahi ke mai guilty feel kar raha tha, magar iis liye kyo ke tabhi muje Rocky ke saath wali conversation yaad aa gayi.
Aur yaad aa gayi uski woh koshish mere saath ishq ladane ki, muje kiss karne ki.
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kya iisey yeh sab kehna chahiye..?
Mera gala aur mera muuh sukha padne laga.
Baat karne ke liye muje apni zubaan hilane mein taqleef hone lagi.
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"Yup, three times.." -maine itna dhime kaha ke usey sun'ne mein bhi na aaye.
Maine Ronnie ki siski suuni..jiski awaaz mere dil mein khanzar chubho diya.
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"Why..?" -He wept.
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"Remember when you worked at that bar..?" -abmere bhi aansu ab behne lage thhe- "And you were getting a really hard time there..? You were so down. Even depressed at one point. You wouldn't even let me touch you. I know it was difficult for you, getting harassed by a bunch of pervy strangers. But I told you to not go back to work in that beer-bar. I told you, but you wouldn't leave that place. You were determined to bring some extra income to our house. But that had changed you..you know that..?"
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"hmmm..so you cheated..!" -Uski yeh statement, uske conclusion ki tarah lag rahi thi.
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"I'm not proud of what I did Ronnie." -maine ekdam humble ton mein kaha- "I know it's incredibly wrong. I dealt with the things in such a stupid, stupid way. I should have talked to you. Not tried to get excitement from other men, and still expecting to get everything else from you."
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"How are we supposed to get back together..?" -Ronnie ki siskiya badhne lagi- "Bcoz everytime I'm down, I'm upset, you'll just go off and cheat. Won't you..?. Whenever things get tough, you'll go elsewhere.."
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maine jhatke ke saath uski aur karwat li.
Ek haath se uske gaalo ko pakda aur usey meri taraf dekhne ko majbuur kiya.
Uski khubsurat aankho mein dard bhara hua tha..itna dard jo meri bardasht ki hadd se kai jyada tha.
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"I swear I will never cheat again. If things get tough, we'll work on it. I won't stray ever again. I promise. Please believe me Ronnie, I love you so much." -meri aankho ke aansu meri aawaz ko bahar aane nahi dete thhe..magar fir bhi mai kehta gaya.
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Mera sina bhaari aur halka ek saath lagne laga, jab Ronnie ne achanak apni baanhe meri aaspas lapet di. 
Meri gardan mein apna chehra gaad kar, dhimi dhimi siskiyaa lete hue muje tightly hug karne laga.
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Maine usey aise zoro se jakad liya jaise ke meri life uus par depend kar rahi ho.
Uske baalo ko chumbano se nehlaane laga.
Meri naak aur aankhe eksaath beh rahi thi par muje koi parwaah nahi thi.
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"Ronnie, we can do this. We can get through this. Please... " -I wept.
mai chahta tha ke woh muje ek chance de.
mai usey kisi bhi kimmat par khona nahi chahta tha.
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"I really want us to. Nikhil, I really want to believe you." -Bhaari aur bhari hui aawaz mein woh bola.
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Mai us'sey thoda duur hatt gaya, ta ke usey mai dekh saku.
"Cheating on you was the worst mistake of my life. I'll never forgive myself for hurting you, betraying you. But..but I can't ask for you back, until I've been completely honest with you." -maine himmat batorte hue kaha.
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Ronnie ne chaunk kar muje dekha.
Uski aankhe chaudi hoti chali maano woh taiyaar kar raha tha apne aap ko, woh suune ke liye jis ka usey kuch andesa ho gaya tha.
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"Ronnie, I...I...Rocky.."
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"You've slept with Rocky..?" -kuch chilla kar kehte hue woh mujse alag ho gaya
Maine usey fir pakad kar apne saath jakad liya.
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"No Ronnie, of course not.." -maine shaant aawaz mein kaha- "He just tried it on.. we, kissed." -maine apni thhuk gale ke niche utaarte hue kaha- "I was drunk, otherwise that wouldn't have happened, I swear."
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mujse muuh ferte hue Ronnie dusri aur dekhne laga.
usne apna chehra cover kar liya tha.
uske ashq aur tezi se behne lage thhe.
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mere dil mein ek tez tarrar dard uuth raha tha.
Mai maan nahi sakta tha ke mai usey kitni baar hurt karta raha hu.
So many times I have made him cry.
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"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." -maine uski baanh pakadte hue kaha.
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"I, I thought, I thought he was lying. I thought he had made up a story." -Ronnie sisikiyo ke beech itna hi bol paya
.
Mai thamm gaya. Meri saans maano ruuk gayi.
"What..?" -mai haklaate hue bol utha.
.
"He..he told me once when we both were drunk, that he tried it on with you. That he tried to get you into bed, but you turned him down. You pushed him away when he kissed you, and u told him that you loved me." -Ronnie ne mushkil se nikalti hui aawaz mein apni sentence puuri ki aur fir aage bola- "I thought he had just said those things to upset me, bcoz it was during a fight over the table. I didn't even believe it was true. I..I hardly knew that he was a gay"
.
ab meri aankho ke saath saath mera gala bhi sukhne laga tha.
Mera muuh Ronnie ki baat ko hazam na kar paane ki wajah se khulla ka khula hi reh gaya.
.
"Are you serious..? All this time you've known..? You've known all this ..?" - maine ek sharp ton mein apni sentence puuri ki. Gussey ki ek lehar mere andar daud gayi.
Maine ab kuch tann kar Ronnie ki kalaai pakad li thi.
Itne dino, mai hardam guilty feel kiye raha, apne aap se nafrat karta raha ke maine Ronnie se Rocky ki baat chhupaye rakhi thi.
magar..
magar woh toh yeh baat already jaanta tha.
.
Mai bistar se kuud kar bahar aa gaya aur jald se apni track-pant pehan'ne laga.
.
"What's wrong? Why are you mad at me?" -Ronnie ne halke se puccha.
uski siskiya ab bandh none lagi thi.
.
zip ke upar jarurat se jyada zor laga kar, apni pant ko pehante hue, maine uski aur dekhna avoid kiya.
"You have no idea how much that has eaten me away" -maine uttejit hokar kaha- "I was scared of ruining you and your brother's relationship. But you already knew what he did, and just didn't cared about it, at all. yaar, I've been simply tormented for nothing..!"
.
"Even you didn't tell me..!" Ronnie ne bhi kuch zor se reply back kiya..woh bhi bistar se uuth khada hua aur apni pant pehan'ne laga- "I never asked you about it, because I trusted you..! How fucking stupid I am, eh..!"
.
Mai ruuk gaya, Ronnie ki aur peeth kar ke deewar ki aur taakta hua.
A deep sigh exhaled from my painfully tight lungs.
Muje Ronnie par gussa nahi hona chahiye tha.
Ronnie ne ek secret rakkha, toh maine bhi toh rakha tha..kai ek secrets rakhe thhe.
Rocky ke maut ke baad, kaafi dardnaak tha iis baat ko jhelna, ke mai aisi koi baat jaanta hu, jo Ronnie nahi jaanta. Aur fir yeh sochna, ke yeh baat agar saamne aa gayi, toh Rocky ki jo bhi memories thi Ronnie ke mann mein, woh sab damage ho jayegi.
.
"I'm sorry." -meri aawaz dhimi padd gayi- "I know I have no right to be pissed about this. But it's just been tearing my insides since he died. I was scared of telling you. You looked up to him so much. I couldn't risk damaging your memory of him."
.
"But what about, before Rocky died..? What was your reason for not telling it to me before his death..?"
.
Ronnie ka yeh cross-examination wala attitude mere chehre par muskurahat laane ki koshish karne laga.
Aise attitude dikhate waqt Ronnie ekdam cute lagta hai. Muje pichhe muud kar Ronnie ko ek nazar dekh lene ki ichcha hui..magar mai waise hi muh fer kar khada raha.
"You adored him Ronnie..u admired him and  I didn't want to hurt you. To ruin the bond you had with him." -sar niche jhukaye rakh kar maine dhire se kaha.
.
Tab Ronnie ne picche se mere aaspaas apni baanhe faila di.
Uski aagosh mein jaane se pehle ek pal ke liye hichkichaya.
Mere kandho ki haddi par usne apna gaal tek diya.
Maine apna sar pichhe dhaal diya, uski kuch aur nazdiki paane ke liye.
.
.
Hamne dono ne ek aah bhari.
Mere nange peit par rakhe hue uske haath par maine apna haath rakha.
sachmuuch, uska haath kaafi narm aur garm aanch se bharpuur hua tha.
.
"I really want us to try again. Nikhil. But I need your word. I need your word that you'll never keep anything from me again. If I'm pushing you away, tell me. Please.. please tell me, Nikhil.." -meri peeth par apne hoth halke se dabane se pehle Ronnie fufusaya.
.
Uske iin alfaazo ki taan par mera dil aflatoon naach karne laga
aur uski iis kiss ne mere peit mein titliyo si lehar paida kar di.
"On my life Ronnie, on my life."" -kehte hue meri aankh se ek katra ashq ka chhalak pada..    (contd...)
.
==================================

I'm Sorry (12)

Ham dono chuup-chaap khade rahe, kuch der tak..
fir mai aage chala.. Ronnie mere pichhe aane laga..
dono mein se kisi ko yeh kehne ki jarurat nahi padi ke -chalo yaha se nikal lete hai ab.
waise bhi, ab bacha hi kya tha uus beer-bar mein..
waha jo muje mila abhi kuchh der pehle, woh ek gehra sadma.. ek zordar dhakka..
ab meri himmat nahi banti thi waha fir lautkar jane ki.
.
Ham dono car mein baithe..
Hadbadate, confused haatho se maine iginition mein chaabi ghumayi.
Mere geele haath kaampte thhe, sardi ki wajah se.. aur uus dhakke ki wajah se, jo Ronnie ne muje abhi abhi diya tha.
Mai abhi tak yeh maan'ne ko taiyaar nahi tha, ke Ronnie ne muje cheat kiya hai.
.
Car start hui..ab toh uski engine ki yeh awaaz bhi bardaasht nahi ho pa rahi thi.
.
"Are you coming home?" -Windscreen par zor se takraate aur nichey ki aur behkar jaate hue barish
ke paani ki aur dekhte hue mai halke se puchha.
.
mere peit mein ajeeb si chakri uuth rahi thi,
mere siney mein ek anjaana sa dard ho uthta tha, jab muje Ronnie ke woh alfaaz yaad aa rahe thhe ke usne kisi aur ke saath kissing aur smooching ki hai.
.
Mere haath paanv kaafi kamzor ho chuke thhe..
magar fir bhi dil mein aisi ichcha ho rahi thi, ke mai ja kar pata lagaau uus shaks, uus bande ke baare mein aur ussey ke muuh par ek zordaar thappad rasid kar du.
.
Ronnie aisa kaise kar sakta hai..? Woh toh iis tarah ka ladka nahi hai. He is supposed to be good and a loyal one.
.
Magar muje koi haqq nahi tha iis tarah se sochne ka, ya iis tarah kehne ka.. kyo ke it was I who cheated first.. so many times..!
.
Mai uski aur dekh bhi nahi pa raha tha.
Ro dene ki zordaar feeling ko apne galey mein atka dene ki wajah se, mai wahaan andar kaafi uncomfortable feel kar raha tha,
.
Ronnie ki aur se mere sawaal ka koi bhi jawaab nahi mila tha, fir bhi maine wipers switch-on kiye aur driving start kar di.
Muje kuch toh karna tha. koi toh aisi activity..jis'se mera dhyan mai kahi aur baant saku.
.
thande, giiley shirt ki fabric mere badan se chipak kar ek chubhan denewaali sensation paida kar rahi thi.
Muje ek garm shower ki jaurat thi,,
shower.. Ronnie ke saath...
.
"Ok, yeah.. " -Ronnie ne ab reply diya.
Ghar pe aane ki apni marzi zaahr kar ke Ronnie seat ke bhitar ghuus kar baith gaya aur khidki ke bahar dekhne laga.
Kuch der tak mai driving karta raha.
Dono chuup-chaap hi rahe.
Samne ke sadak koi dekhta hua, mai pata nahi kya soch raha tha.
tab maine dekha ke Ronnie ne apni dono kalaai ek dusre ko cross karti hui, apni daadhi ke niche, apne sinee se chipka kar rakhi hui thi.
yeh dekhkar mere chehre par, na chahte hue bhi ek smile aa gayi.
Muje agar yeh maluum na hota ke woh sardi ki wajah se waise kar rha hai, toh mai jaruur aise kisi sulky teenager ki tarah behave karne ke liye, usey tokta.
Mai uski thighs par apna haath rakhna chahta tha,
magar maine apne aap ko rok liya, yeh soch kar ke yeh harkat shayad uus par ulta asar kar de.
.
With every mile I drove away, my chest felt heavier and more.
Mera dil fir se ab baitha ja raha tha.
I simply hoped, we can get somewhere, this time..
.
Jaise hi maine car park kari, ke woh sidha hokar baith gaya.
Uski nazar muje paar karti hui hamare ghar ki aur taak rahi thi.
Uski bhanve upar chadh kar uske maathe ki jurriya badha rahi thi.
Uski ungliya apne aap naachne lagi, aur bhaari gehri saanso ki wajah se uska sina zor zor se upar niche hone laga tha.
.
"What's wrong..?" -maine fikramand aawaz mein pucha.
.
"Nothing." I just, don't think I'm ready to stay the night. You ok to take me back later, to my Dad's..?" -Ronnie ne dhimi aawaz aur gili aaankho ke saath kaha.
.
"If I'm not able to change your mind, then yeah, sure I'll take you back." -maine ek weak smile dete hue kaha.
.
Jab usne return-smile di toh aisa laga ke mera dil uchal kar mere galey mein aa gaya.
He had no idea how long I've waited to see him smile again...
.
.
Ghar ke andar ghuste hi ham dono ek duje ki aur taakne lage..
woh maare sardi ke jabardast kaamp raha tha.
.
"You...You wanna get a shower?" -maine uske bhige khubsurat badan par chipki hui uski shirt ki aur dekhte hue kaha.
Meri pant ke andar halchal paida ho rahi thi. Woh kaafi sexy lag raha tha uus waqt.
.
usney mere na zdeek sarakte hue sar hila kar haan kahi.
meri dhadkan ruuk si gayi uus khyaal se, jo shayad ab hone ja rha tha.
Muje apni baanho me bhar lo.. muje kiss karo... muje fir se le lo apne saath..Ronnie
.
.
"I'm sorry, again, about what I did." -kehte hue Ronnie ka nichla honth kaamp utha. Uski awaaz tuut rahi thi, - "I feel so guilty Nikhil."
.
Maine jaldi se use apni aagosh mein le liya.
Uska barfila geela badan mere ang ang mein bijlee paida kar rha tha.
Ronnie ne apna chehra meri gardan mein ghusaya, tab muje laga ke aansuo ki nami, uske chehre ko chipchipa bana gayi thi,
Hamari yeh nazdiki kaafi electrifying thi mere liye.
.
"I love you Ronnie. Please don't beat yourself up about what you did. I forgive you, ok..? I swear.." -maine mushkil se ek saans niche utaarte hue kaha.
.
Forgive him? It's barely even sunk in yet...
.
ek siski lete hue usne apni baanh meri kamar ke aaspaas lapet li.
I gave him a squeeze while a long staggered breath exhaled from my crushed lungs.
We can get through this..We had to get through this...
hamey bahar nikalna hoga iin sabse, aise kaise ji payenge ham-dono..!
.
Ronnie ne apne aap ko mujse alag karte hue apne aap ko duur khinch liya..aur meri aur chamkili aankho ke saath dekhne laga.
"I need us to be ok, Nikhil. I love and hate you at the same time, but I can't lose you. You have no idea how much I'm getting hurt, but I can't bear the thought of being without you."
.
"I'll do whatever I can to make you happy again Ronnie, to get you to trust me again. I swear I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I need you, I love you, and there's no way I can ever lose you." -apne aansuo ko aankh se ubharte hue rokne ke liye muje mere honth zoro se apne daanto taley dabane padey.
.
Suddenly Ronnie kissed me hard.
His warm lips awakened every single nerve in my body.
Uski shirt pakad kar maine usey mere nazdeek khincha.
Meri zubaan uske muuh mein sarak gayi aur wahaan andar ja kar aflatuun harkatein karne lagi,
andar maujuud beer ke halke se swaad ka lutf uthane lagi.
.
Meri gardan ka pichla hissa apne kaamte haatho mein daboch kar, usne apne aap ko mere badan mein ghusa diya.
Meri peeth ab deewar se jakar satt gayi thi.
.
"Oh Ronnie." I gasped, as he unexpectantly rubbed his crotch into mine.
.
"I want you to make love to me.." -He whispered with a husky and seriously sexy tone- "in our bed." 
.
..
...
....
.....
....
...
..
.
ham dono ne sex kiya..sex se khich-o-khich bhara pyaar diya, ek duje ko.
mai jaanta tha ke yeh wala session hamare pichhle session ki tarah intense toh nahi tha,
magar uus waqt ke halaat ko madd-e-nazar rakhte hue maine kaafi achcha 'perform' kiya.
Uske badan ki saari gehraai ko apni puuri lambaai se kured kar, maine usey woh diya jiska woh haqdaar tha..
sirf uuski ka haq tha jis par, woh mera prem-ras baha diya uske tan-badan mein.
hamari jismaani nazdikiyo se maine, hamare dilo mein paida hui duurio ko mitane ki puuri koshish kari
uske mann ko maine bhar diya, puri satisfaction se.
aur woh total satisfaction uski aanhko se ab saaf chhalak rahi thi.
.
.
"You have no idea how LOVED you made me feel last night..Nikhil. Thank you." -dusre din subah uuthte hi Ronnie ne meri aankho mein aankhe daalte hue kaha.
Achanak meri aanko mein fir se aansuo ki nami chhane lagi.
"You're my world Ronnie." -maine ek roti hui muskurahat ke saath kaha.
.
Ham-dono ek duje ke fir karib gaye aur hamare honth ek duje se fir bheed gaye.
hamare badan mein fir vaasna ki lehar uuthne lagi.
Dono ke badan ke woh hissey ab sakh aur mazbuut hone lage thhe, jinse hamey ab kaam lena tha.
.
"Take me back. Please." -maine apni jarurat ki urgency ko jataate hue apni woh harqat shur kar di jo hamare pyaar ko aage ka raasta dikhane waali thi.
.
"We need to talk, Nikhil. about changes. Because regardless of what you said, there's always a reason for cheating." -Ronnie ki awaaz ab achanak surprisingly sakht ho chuki thi.
.
Maine ek kamzor haami bhari.
He was right.
Usey jaan'ni thi, meri cheating ki asli wajah..
.
"Ok..." -I whispered.
.
Ham dono ne apne aap ko khiinch kar ek duje se alag kar diya
aur fir sidhey, peeth ke bal leit kar, ceiling ki aur taakne lage.
.
Yes, muje Ronnie ke saath be-rehmi ki hadd tak honest hona padega.
Agar hamare iis rishte ko fuulna-falna hai.. toh ab muje puuri imaandari ke saath us'se baat karni hogi.
.
Dard se vichaleet mera gala, muje bolne ki manjuuri de, us'se pehle maine apni aankhe muund li.
Here it goes...                                   (contd..)
============================

I'm sorry (11)

Bar mein aate waqt hi Ronnie kuch distrubed tha woh toh muje maalum tha
magar aane ke saath jis speed se woh beer pi gaya, it must have definitely hit his head hard, kyo ke Aasif ko dekh kar jis tarah se uske tevar badal gaye that definitely wasn't normal for Ronnie to react so absurdly.
.
Although, muje yaha Woodoo mein laane ka uska kya maqsad tha woh toh main nahi jaanta tha, magar I had a wild guess ke woh yaha aakar uun ladko ko dekhna chahta tha, jo ke uske hisaab se us'se bhi attractive thhe,
kyo ke he beleived that when I prefered those guys over him, it definitely meant the same thing.
.
Uun sab ke saath badd-saluki se toh pesh nahi aanewala hai, atleast that i knew becoz Ronnie was mostly a very soft spoken guy and hardly get involved into any sort of quarrels.
Magar haan, woh uun sab ka gussa mujpar definitely nikalega that I was sure.
Itna possessive hona toh banta hai, I agree to it, after all since last three years we were going steady with each other.
.
Toh Aasif ko dekhkar jab uske tevar badalne lage toh maine fauran apne aap ko aanewaale tufaan ka saamna karne ke liye taiyaar kar liya, but still it was too tough for me. After all mai kabhi bhi uske saath itna sakhti se pesh nahi aaya tha.
.
Hamdono ke beech is'se pehle bhi chhote chhote fights toh kai ek baar hui thi,
but this was quite a serious issue compared to those.
Normally hamari fights ke subject itne stupid type ke hote thhe ke fight khatm hone ke baad ham dono ek duje par hanste thhe ya toh fir khud apne aap ki mazaak udaate thhe.
For example,
meri gift di hui jeans aaj kyo nahi pehni..?
dad ka fon aaya toh muje kyo nahi bataya..?
hardam itna busy rehna tha, toh fir akele hi kyo nahi rehte..?
credit card ka payment due date se pehle kyo nahi kiya?
daily bed ki left hand side par mai hi kyo souu..?
Those who are not into relationship may find this quite silly.
Magar iin sab ka apna ek alag maza hota tha.
.
Well, but abki baar koi maza nahi tha, yeh jo issue khada ho gya tha, usmein.
Ronnie ne insist kiya ke Aasif ke alawa uus bar mein uus waqt maujuud mardo mein se kin kin ke saath maine sex kiya tha uska full-fledge report mai usko du..
It was quite predicted by me, ke aisa sawaal toh uthne hi waala tha.
Maine insist kiya ke mai usey kuch nahi bataunga kyo ke us'se usey kuch haansil nahi honewala, except frustration and depression.
.
Ronnie ko involve rakhne ke liye maine apna dusra aur uska tisra beer ka order diya.
Thankfully, order fauran execute ho gaya aur bar-boy ne immediately 2 mugs hamare saamne rakh diye.
.
Ronnie ne fauran mug muh se laga liya aur ek bada sa swig liya.
Normally 2nd round ke baad mai ussey piney se rokta hu kyo ke yeh uski limit hai, I know that.
But today, I just wanted him to stay involved with it.
Waise bhi 2nd round ke baad ghar waapas return jaane ki meri baat woh maan'ne wala nahi tha, I was damn sure about it.
Aur fir yaha beer-bar mein bina kuch kiye baith kar, woh aise hi questions arise karega jo mere liye mushkil pe mushkil  paida kar sakte thhe, toh behtar yehi tha ke woh beer pina continue rakhe..
.
Well, he was quite quiet while drinking this time.
Meri taraf dekhta bhi toh sirf sakht nazro se, varna bas iis bar mein ghumte hue mardo ko taakta raha.
.
Mai bhi uski iis silence se kuch relief mehsuus karta hua apna 2nd mug complete karta raha.
Tab woh achanak khada ho gaya.
.
"I'm off for a piss." -Ronnie ne apna bacha kucha beer ka mug counter par rakhte hue kaha aur toile ki aur jaane laga
.
Ab, jab ke muje koi sawaal marnewala nahi tha, toh maine uus room mein yaha waha dekhne ka mauka utha liya.
Aasif ab kahiin bhi nazar nahi aa raha tha.
Magar maine 4 aise ladke dekhe jiske saath mera sex hua tha.
Sab se nazrein churata hua mai idhar udhar dekh raha tha, tabhi kisi ne mere kandhe par halke se tap kiya.
Mai pichhe muuda, jo bhi thha use yeh kehne ko, ke I wasn't looking to hook up.
Dekha toh pichhe Aasif tha. Meri annkhe khulli ki khuli reh gayi.
.
"kya..kya kar rahe ho yaar?  You can't talk to me now. Ronnie is here with me." -maine thoda sa hichkicha kar kaha
.
"pata hai yaar.. dekha maine usey..bass uus din jo kuchh hua uske liye sorry bolna tha. Aur sorry yaar uus din mai tum dono ka patch-up karwane ke liye ruuka nahi. It was quite an awkward situation, man."
.
"tu ruuk bhi jaata toh bhi kuch jyada achcha nahi kar pata. and i'm sorry dost, for being so cold towards you, but i was angry at that moment, obviously on my self, not on you."
.
"toh fir..? aap dono mein compromise hua ke nahi.."
.
"Nope.. He won't even come back home. ham dono gaadi ko track par laane ki koshish kar rahe hai. magar manzil kaafi duur lagti hai."
.
"Well, hope the things improve for you guys soon. Anyway, I'll leave you to it before he 'catches' me talking to you." -Aasif aankh maarte hue bola.
.
"See ya." -maine jhat se keh kar usey ravana kar diya.
.
maine ek gehri saans lete hue apne siney mein jama hue pressure ko halka kar diya.
Bloody fuck..! why the hell did Ronnie need us to come here..!
.
Restlessly, I started tapping the sticky floor of the bar.
Jaldi se Ronnie aa jaaye, toh ham dono nikal le yaha se, varna pata nahi aur kaun kaun milne aa jayega..magar pata nahi Ronnie itna waqt kyo laga raha hai andar..!
mai toilet ke darwaaze ki direction mein dekhte dekhte betaabi se uski wait karne laga.
.
kuchh hi der mein maine usey bahar nikal kar meri aur aate dekha.
maine dekha ke Roniie ke chehra kuch pila padd gaya tha..
saans lene mein kuch dikkat ho rahi ho waise uncomfortability uske chehre par saaf dikhayi de rahi thi.
Kuch ghabrahat..kuch sharmindgi..
samaj mein nahi aa raha tha kuchh.
.
"You Ok..?" -uske nazdik aate hi maine usey puchha.
Woh aaju baaju har taraf dekh raha tha magar bass, mujse nazrein chura raha tha- "Ronnie..?"
.
"Ronnie, what's wrong..?" -mai betaabi ke saath pucchta raha.
.
"I..err.. Nikhil. I'm sorry, but I...I..." -aakhir meri taraf dekh kar woh kuch bolna chaha.
uske honth saaf tarah se kaampte hue nazar aate thhe.
.
"Ronnie, what is it?" -meri aawaz ko nikalne mein ab muskhkil ho rahi thi.
.
Woh pichhe muud kar bhagna chaha.
Magar maine usey ain-waqt par pakad liya.
mai kuch kahu is'se pehle woh bol pada- "I kissed someone in the toilets."
Mera muuh khulla reh gaya.. -"Not only that, I allowed him to smooch me,"
.
Mere haath ki grip dhili padd gayi.
Woh meri pakad se chhut gaya.
Mera haath apne aap mere stomach par gaya, andar kuch ajeeb sa vacuum sa lagne laga muje.
Mujh se khada nahi raha jata tha ab.
Magar fir achanak mai Ronnie ko halka sa dhakka dete hue waha se bahar ki aur jaane laga.
mera damm ghunte laga tha. I needed some fresh air.
.
Bahar barish aur sard tez hawa chal rahi thi.
Maine ek gehri saans li.
I felt as if my lungs were being crushed.
Barish ki tez buunde mere chehre par gir kar usey bhigone lagi.
mai pichhe diwaar ki tek laga kar, niche farsh ki aur taakte hue khada ho gaya.
.
Tabhi maine Ronnie ko mere karib paya.
Uski aawaaz, uskey aansu iis baat ko confirm kar rahe thhe ke he actually meant what he said just now.
.
"Nikhil I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." -Ronnie, sounded like a kid apologising to his parents,
he was so forgivable, ke mera dil pighalne laga.
.
"It's ok.." -uski taraf dekhne se pehle mai bass itna hi bol paya.
Woh bhi puura bhig chuka tha, baarish ki thapeto se- "Its not your fault, Ronnie.."
.
"Of course it is my fault.. I just cheated.. How can it be ok..? I just cheated on you Nikhil. I cheated." -Woh apni aankho se aansuo ke saath apni wafadaari ke chhalkaate hue bola.
.
Ek dehakti hui peeda mere tan-badan mein daudne lagi.
Dewaar ka sahara chhor kar ab mai sidha khada ho gaya.
.
"I did this to us." -maine dhime se kaha.
aur iisi baat ke ehsaas se mere badan ki puur taqat ab khatm hote chali thhi- "Look at what I've done to you, Ronnie. You would never have kissed a stranger if it weren't for me, you are not like that. I've changed you, Ronnie it's all what I've done to you"
.
"No." -ek siski ke saath Ronnie ne kaha- "I thought I wanted to hurt you, But I don't. I thought I hated you, but I just can't Nikhil, I can't.. I love you so much Nikhil. I'm sorry."
.
mai ek kadam aage badha.
hamari bhini twacha se takraati hui thandi sard hawa ke chalte, ham dono ke badan saaf kaampte hue nazar aate thhe.
.
"You're so beautiful, you know Ronnie?" -Apne dono haatho ko uthakar uske chehre tak laate hue halke mulayam suur mein maine kaha, apne dono angutho se uske aansu ki buundo ko pochhte hue, -"Even when you cry, you look beautiful."
.
"Why aren't you angry Nikhil..?" -halki uunchi aawaas mein woh bola- "Why aren't you
shouting at me? why not telling me it's all over between us..? or Anything like that..!"
.
"Because I deserve this. I deserve to get hurt like this, Ronnie." -apni tut'ti hui awaaz mein maine kaha
.
usne halke se muje apni nazdeek khicha.
"I don't deserve you Ronnie, I never have.."   (contd..)
.
================================

I'm Sorry (10)

Sham ko nikalte waqt baarish ke aasar nazar aane lage.
Toh bike par Ronnie ko lekar jana mushkil laga.
.
Maine Soloman se apni mushkil samjaayi.
Usne apni car muje offer kari.
Uski car 2nd hand waali thi, magar fir bhi meri bike se toh jyada hi comfortable thi.
Toh I accepted his offer.
.
Ronnie ke dad ke ghar ja kar usey pick-up karte karte toh baarish zoro se shuru ho gayi thi.
Woh ghar se bhagta hua aaya, baarish se bachne ke liye apna sar niche jhukaaye hue.
Aur aak kar dhadaam se meri bagal wali seat par baith gaya.
.
"Fuck. it's cold..!"  -kehte hue usne samne wala mirror niche ki aur jhukaya.
Aur apne baalo mein ungli ghusa kar apne giley chipke hue baalo ko re-shape karne laga.
.
As he continued with his hair attempting to spike them up, I quietly stared at him.
uska khubsurat chehra, uski dark brown chamkili aankho se aur bhi chamak utha tha.
Meri nazar uske chehre se sarakti hui, niche ki aur jaane lagi.
.
uske badan ka har woh hissa jika muaina karne ka muje koi haqq nahi raha tha, uski taarif karti hui meri aankhe uski gardan, uski chhaati, uske peit par ja kar atak gayi.
usne ek stylish causal shirt penhi hui thi, jiski sleeves uper ki aur roll ki hui thi, aur ek button ki help se waha jamaye rakhi hui thi.
White color ki fabric mein uska gori gori kalaai, uspar ke halke halke baal kaafi suhaane lag rahe thhe muje.
Uski left niplle ke aaspaas wale area par black eagle ki design, aur niche "Ranger" likha hua logo..uski shirt ko rangilapan baxati thi.
hardam uske shirts usey perfectly fit hote thhe,
magar yeh shirt kuch loose-fitting ki lag rhi thi. Has he lost weight..?
.
Aur nichey nazar karte hi uski thighs nazar aayi.
pichli baar jab woh meri waist ke aas-paas jis mazbuuti se woh lipati hui thi, woh lamha yaad aate hi meri zubaan apne-aap mere hontho ko chaatne lagi.
.
Pichhle birthday par maine gift di hui jeans woh penhne hue tha.
contrast colour ki stiching ki wajah se muje woh jeans barabar yaad reh gayi thi.
.
firse meri nazar uske chehre par ja pahuchi
toh dekha ke he had stopped messing with his hair and had relaxed back into the seat.
Woh meri taraf ek-tak nazaro se taak raha tha.
Mai seham gaya.
.
"Sorry." -I whispered- "So, where we going..?"
"Woo-doo." -usne bluntly respond kiya, jis wajah se mere dmuuh se ek aah nikal gayi.
"Ok. If you insist on that..." -mai aur kuch nahi bol paya.
Of course I wanted to argue with him for this.
Muje uske dimaag mein yeh baat drill karni thi ke Woo-doo jana ek terrible plan hoga.
Mai literally imagine kar sakta tha ke yeh shaam kaise bitnewaali hai.
He would start asking about the guys he would see there.
Aur fir raat ko yehi argument chalti rahegi, ke 'how could u do this' and 'why u did that'
Yup, tonight was going to be fucking wonderful...
During the whole 15mins drive, woh window ke bahar baarish ki aur dekhta raha.
.
Jaise hi ham Woo-doo ke bahar aa kar rukey ke mere stomach mein muje ek anjaana sa khaalipan mehsuus hone laga.
.
Before killing the engine of the car, mai Ronnie ki aur muud kar dekha.
Woh sakht nazro se uus unofficial gay-bar ki aur dekh raha tha.
.
"You still wanna do this..?" I asked.
Ronnie ne sar hila kar haami bhari, toh maine chaabi ghuma kar engine bandh kiya aur car ke bahar nikla.
apne pichey dhadaam se darwaaza bandh karne se, mai apne aap ko rok nahi paya.
I didn't look at Ronnie as I walked round the car and met him on the path.
I heard him take a deep breath though, before taking a firm hold of my hand.
.
"Let's get over. I mean...over with. Let's get this over with..." Ronnie ne ek sukhi aawaaz mein kaha aur mere haath chhor kar aage chalne laga.
.
Ek thandi aah bharkar mai usey mere aage chalte hue dekhne laga.
Uske cologne ki khushbhu woh pichhe chhorta gaya tha.
I inhaled it deeply, as if it would wash away my disappointment.
.
Andar ghuste hi, jab maine apni jaan-pehchaan waale kuch mardo ko waha dekha,
toh mera sar apne-aap nichey jhuuk gaya.
-Fuck yaar, please don't come over and talk to me...
.
The beer-bar was dark, and busy, which it usually was every night.
The soft, dimmed lighting creating floods of shadows throughout the room.
.
Involuntarily, counter ke wooden surface par mai apni ungli bajane laga.
Ronnie jo mere kandhe se apna kandha sattakar mere bilkuul nazdik khada tha, us'se nazar milana maine deliberately avoid kiya.
.
Mere maathe par paseene ki buundo se tickling ho rahi thi, magar mere haath itne sakht ho chuke thhe ke woh upar uuth kar pasina pochhne ke kaabil nahi thhe.
.
"Two LP-strong please..!" -maine counter ke pichhe khade uus bar-boy ko kaha, jis ke saath shamefully, mai ek baar sex kar chuka tha.
.
Bar-boy pichey se beer ke 2 mugs bhar kar aaya
aur counter par hamare saamne 'thud' ke saath rakh diye.
Aawaaz se chaunk kar maine upar dekha, toh usne muje aankh maari.
Shiit...I hope Ronnie didn't see that.
.
Badey badey ghuunt bhar kar usne sirf 10 mins mein 2 glasses purey kar diye..
Tab maine achanak mehsuus kiya ke woh mujse duuri badhate hue kuch duur sarakne laga hai.
Maine upar ki aur dekha toh paaya ke he was glaring at one particular person.
When I followed his direction toh I saw Aasif there.
Fuck...!
.
Maine apna nichla honth zoro se apne daanto taley daba diya.
Mere already uneasy stomach mein fir se ek naya sa sannata chhane laga.
.
Ronnie was breathing loudly through his nose, sounding like a Bull who is ready to charge now.
I slowly forced my eyes to look at him, despite the heat it caused to flood to my cheeks.
.
Ronnie apne dono honth zoro se bhiins liye thhe.
ek jhatke ke saath jaise hi woh meri aur muuda ke mera dil ek dhadkan chuuk gaya.
Apni sakht thandi aankho se Ronnie ab muje ghuur raha tha.
.
"You gonna tell me who else in here, you've fucked then..?" -He snarled- "obviously apart from this Aasif. We both know that you've shagged him."
.
Oh God..! mera wala Ronnie kahaan chala gaya.. yeh kaun ghuus aaya uske jism mein..!
.
"We're not going to have that conversation." -maine kuchh himmat bator kar boldly kaha.. haalaan ki meri chest aur mere galey mein thuuk atak si gayi thi.
.
"Just tell me." -usne tikhi zehrili aawaz mein kaha- "I have a fucking right to know."
.
"And that is why you wanted to come here. isn't it..? So that I can point out exactly who I've been with, and tell you every detail about what we did together? That's not gonna achieve anything, Ronnie. It will just upset you."
.
"I'm already upset Nikhil. I doubt..."
.
"Exactly.." -uski baat ko tod'te hue, jitni ho sakey aawaz ko dhimi rakhte hue maine kaha- "You're already hurting enough, so why add to it..? Why do this to yourself..?"
.
Ronnie meri aur taakta raha..with all his anger, sorrow, dis-belief and what not..
aur aise negetive feelings ke mixture se uska chehra ab kuch badsurat hota chala tha..
I started praying God ke kuch aisa ho, jis'se yeh baat yahi ruuk jaaye.. (contd..)
.
=======================

I'm Sorry (9)

Ronnie se meri mulaqaat Rocky ke thru hi hui thi.
Rocky mere hi office mein kuch arsey tak job karne aaya tha.
Uska chhota bhai Ronnie tab apni post graduation kar raha tha.
.
Tab mai apne gay-closet mein tha, Matlab koi meri sexuality ke baare mein jaanta nahi tha. I was quite careful about that.
Rocky bhi meri hi tarah ek gay-in a-closet hi tha.
Uske ghar mein itni frinedly atmoshphere hone ke bavjuud, despite so close to his younger bro Ronnie, usne apne ghar mein kisi ko apni sexuality ki hint tak nahi aane di thi.
.
He was attracted to me while we both worked in a same office, magar woh muje approach nahi kar paya tha.
Aur na hi maine usey apporach kiya tha,
haalanki he was quite handsome boy, magar apne office colligue ke saath sex ka mai koi risk nahi lena chahta tha.
Besides I didn't even had a slightest idea ke Rocky is gay and having some feeling for me. For about six months, ham saath saath job kiya magar bilkul imaandari se..
.
Magar Ronnie ke saath ek dam reverse-case hua.
At the very first sight of his, mai usey dekhta reh gaya.
Jab Rocky ne muje Ronnie se intro karwaya toh mai apne hosh ganwa beitha iis nihayat khubsurat ladke ko dekh kar.
.
Woh ek chhoti si mulaqaat thi, magar mere dil par gehra asar kar ke gayi.
By the time, I reached home, I must have prayed to God atleast a hundred times -O God, Ronnie gay hona chaiye.. he should be a gay guy... agar woh gay nai hai, to hey bhagwaan, usey gay bana do, mere liye uske dil mein gay feelings paida kar do, please God, aap ki zindagibhar mai itni puja karunga jitni aap ke kisi bhi bhakt ne nahi ki hogi.
.
sounds silly.. yeah..?
but dat's a fact..
.
Do din ke baad Ronnie fir se meri office mein apne bhai ko milne aaya, toh muje laga ke ishwar ne meri dua kubul kar li hai, shayad..
kyo ke 2nd mulaqaat mein uski nazar mujpar gadi hi rahi..
he kept on staring at me giving me all hints and signals that he is interested in me.
Wo signal itne loud thhe ke mai 200% sure ho gaya ke Ronnie is interested in me.
Meri khushi ka toh thikana nahi raha..
incredible...!
.
Very next day, shaam ko mai office ke bahar, sadak par taxi ka wait kar raha tha, tab achanak ek gin ki tarah woh mere saamne prakat hua, apni car ke saath.
meri bike service mein di thi, toh muje garage bhi jana tha.
Usne muje lift offer kiya toh I cudn't trust my good-fate.
Uske saath front seat par baithne ke sirf 3mins ke andar woh itna positive responsive raha ke maine apna haath uske thigh par rakh diya.
Usne smile dete hue mujse kaha, -Nikhil, let me concentrate on driving..!
.
Mai hans diya aur apna naseeb azmana jaari rakha.
After another 2mins of groping his thigh, usney achanak apni car rok di.
kaafi serious sa muuh bana kar woh bola -"Nikhil, you are distracting my mind from driving this car. I can't drive it this way...!"
.
Ek pal ke liye hamdono ek dusre ko taakte rahe, teesre hi pal mai aage badha aur uskey lips par apne lips bhida diye..
Usne koi resistance nahi dikkhayi.
That was our first kiss.. but a looooonnng one.. it lasted for very long time..
.
Very same evening we had sex at my place..
I expected it to be a one night stand but it turned out to be a long term one.
It is well said- 'you get the love of your life when you least expect it to come. So just don't run after someone..if it's yours it'll come to you by all the means.'
.
Rocky was the last person jisko mai apne iis affair ke baare mein batana chahta tha.
Maine har ek koshish kari ke mai Ronnie ke saath mere affair ki baat uske badey bhai Rocky se chhupaye rakhu.
.
Magar Ronnie was madly in love with me.
Usne apni sab hesitation aur sharm chhor kar apne dad ko yeh baat bata di.
.
It wasn't an easy thing for the old man to digest this fact that his youngest son is a gay and not only that, he is madly in love with a guy with whom he wants to spent rest of his life.
.
Steve uncle is a god-fearing guy.
Gay sex uski nazar mein ek paap tha.
But above all that he was a loving father jisne hardam apne bachcho ki khushi mein hi apni khushi dekhi thi.
Usne iis baat ko accept toh kar li, magar as a true christian, uski religious feelings kaafi hurt hui thi,
aur yeh baat uske dono beto ki nazar se chhupi nahi rahi.
.
Richie the eldest of all the three, was in love with a parsee girl, Dina.
After giving some time to his dad to recover from this shock, very reluctantly usne apne iis affair ki baat apne dad ko batayi.
Now parsee community is quite a strict a community
iis mein non-parsee se shadi valid nahi hai.
The non-parsee boy or girl has to accept the zorastrian religion before getting into the wed-lock with another parsee person.
Toh uun dono ne live-in-relationship mein rehne ka faisla kiya.
A very bold decision..
This was again a revolutionary step for the consevative christian mind of Steve Uncle.
.
After this two consecutive shocks, Rocky ki koi himmat nahi bani apne dad ko tisra shock dene ki, ke unka ek aur beta bhi gay hai.
For Rocky it was a time to undergo a phase of multi-confusion and depression.
.
Despite he himself being a gay, apna chhota bhai gay hai yeh suunkar usey ek dhakka toh laga hi tha.
Magar worse than it, uska chahita-pyara chhota bhai usi mard ke saath associate hone ja raha hai, jisey woh khud bhi ji-jaan se chahta tha.
Ronnie didn't ever know that even before he had met his lover for the first time, Rocky was nursing a hidden love towards that same guy.
.
Rocky ka fault itna hi tha ke woh Ronnie ke jitna bold nahi tha.
Usne yeh imagine bhi nahi kiya tha ke uska one-sided love jispar tha, woh banda gay bhi ho sakta hai.
Apni sharm aur hesitation ke parde mein woh apni chhupi chahat ke dard ka shikar hota raha..hardam..marte damm tak..
Uska apna mard ek gay hai uus baat ki khushi uske naseeb main nahi thi, kyo ke uske jaan-se -pyaare bhai ne pehle hi uus bandey ko book kar liya tha.
.
Rocky seham gaya.. kisi se kuch nahi kaha.. na toh apne sexuality ki baat, aur na hi yeh baat ke woh Ronnie ka sirft bhai hi nahi, ek competitor bhi hai.
Woh koi taqleef nahi dena chahta tha apne dad ko apni sexuality zaheer kar ke.
Aur na hi Ronnie se apni qurbaani ki baat bata kar woh koi sympathy haansil karna chahta tha.
Woh ek aisa chakor bann kar reh gaya, jo sirf apne chaand ko duur se dekh kar hi pyaar karta hai, uus tak kabhi pahuch nahi sakega.
.
magar har ek ke jivan mein kabhi kabhi ek weak-moment toh aati hi hai jab woh apni saari tapasya ko bhula deta hai, kuch lamho ke liye.
.
Teen saal pehle waali christmas ki shaam ko Steve uncle, Roniie Rocky and myself, ham chaaro uske ghar par beer pi rahe thhe.
Richie was in a hurry toh woh jaldi wind up kar ke chala gaya.
Ronnie ko head-ache hone laga toh woh bhi apne kamre mein ja kar so gaya.
Rocky 2 glass khatm hone tak waste ho gaya aur upar bedroom me soney chala gaya.
.
After may be another 15-20mins mai upar gaya, pishaab karne ko.
Tab maine Rocky ko, sirf apni ek short pehne hue, apne bistar pe peit ke bal soya paya. I was shocked to see him in Ronnie's room, mgar Ronnie apne headache ke chalte, sabse nazdeek kamre mein ja kar so gya tha, jo ke Rocky aur Richie ka bedroom tha.
Toh Rocky ab Ronnie ke bedroom mein soya hua tha.
.
Uske mast badan ko mai kuch waqt tak chuup chaap niharta khada reh gaya.
Muj mein sex ki feelings jaagne lagi.
Tabhi maine Ronnie ke saath wild sex ka plan bana liya.
Magar uus jagah se hilne ka will-power khatm hue ja rha tha.
jitna bann sakey utna chup-chaap mai uske karib gaya aur bed par baith kar Rocky ki male-beauty nhiarne laga.
Maine laakh koshish ki minimum aawaz ho meri aahat ki, magar beer ke nashe ki wajah meri movement kuch jyada hi loud ho hi gayi hogi,
kyo ke immediately Rocky ne apni aankhe kholi aur meri taraf taakne laga.
.
Mai uuth khada hua, magar usne mera haath pakad liya- "Nikhil please, yahi baithe raho mere paas."
Mai ne apna haath chhudana chaha. Magar mere marzi aur na-marzi dono iisme apna apna contribution karti rahi. Toh meri koshish mein koi jyada effect nahi raha tha.
Rocky ne pata nahi meri aankho mein kya padh liya, ke woh mujse lipat gaya.
.
Achanak mere hosh thikaane aane lage..toh mai pichchey hatt gaya.
Ronnie ke gay hone ki baat ek jhatka de gayi muje. Uski mardana beauty muje apni taraf lalcha rahi thi. Magar mai koi risk nahi lena chahta tha. meri relationship mein koi complication nahi chahta tha mai.
Magar fir bhi kuch pal tak Rocky aise zoro se mere jism se lipta rha ke mai usey alag nahi kar paya.
mujse lipte hue reh kar usne apne pyar ka izhaar kiya. family mein apni position ki awkwardness ki duhaai deta rha ke..
middle boy hone ki wajah se hardam apne badey bhai Richard ko respect ke saath woh usey badey hone ke sab hakk deta raha.
toh chhote bhai Ronnie ko, woh sabse chhota hone ki saari benefits bhi deta raha tha zindagi bhar.
usne aage kaha ke Ronnie ke jitna bold na hone ki saza usey mil rahi hai. Uus baat mein apne daddy ki taraf ki uski gehri feelings ne usey dhokha diya hai.
.
mai sab baat suunta rha aur fir ahista se us'se alag hone laga.
woh muje chhorna nahi chahta tha.
mai usey samjaane laga ke yeh kabhi bhi sahi nahi hoga ham teeno ke liye.
Ronnie ko saari zindagi khushi dene ke baad uska yeh ek kadam, uske saare kiye-karaaye par paane fer dega, aisa maine usey samjaaya.
.
woh ro diya..
muje kehne laga ke usey mahaan nahi ban'na hai.
woh ek ordinary ladka hai jiske paas apna ek dil bhi hai..
aur zindagi bhar woh dil itni chot khaya hua hai ke ab usey koi bhi cheez dilasa nahi de payegi. zindagi mein khushi paane ka usko bhi haqq milna chaiye.
.
muje laga ke beer ke nashe mein Rocky sentimental ho gaya hai, toh mai uski sacrifice ko appreciate karta hua room se nikalne laga.
.
Rocky ne muje kuch der ke liye, bass sirf 5-10mins ke liye thehar jaane ke liye kaha.
magar maine uski baat ko seriously na lete hue wahi se chal diya.
muje darr tha, ke kahiin Steve-uncle upar kamre mein na aa jaaye, however mai jaanta tha ke asthama ki wajah se woh sidiya chadhne ka avoid karte hai.
.
Uus raat ke baad, dusre din, Rocky muje mila toh apne pichhli raat ke behaviour ke liye sharminda tha aur muje yeh baat Ronnie ko na batane ki request ki.
Maine usey assurance diya ke yeh baat ham-dono ke beech rahegi.
.
Uus din ke baad, woh muje kabhi akele mein nahi mila.
mujse publicly milne ko bhi woh avoid karta raha, ye baat mujse chhipi nahi rahi.
.
magar ek baat thi, jo mujse hardam chhupi rahi..
woh yeh, ke woh ahista ahista deppression mein utarta gaya tha.
Usne hansna chhor diya tha.
hardam apne khayalo mein rehte rehte woh apni memory tak ko injury karta raha.
kuch arse ke baad woh kisi ko pehchanne tak ki position mein nahi raha.
.
Usko kya pain thi, kya marz tha jo usey khaaye ja rha tha, woh koi na jaan saka.
koi ilaaj uus par asar nahi dikha rha tha.
aur ek raat...
pankhe par latak kar usne apne aap ko fansi de di.
.
.
yeh sadma bahut hi gehra tha sab ke liye..
khaas taur pe Ronnie ke liye..
kyo ke Ronnie hi tha jo last tak uske saath raha, taking all care of him, and always
orrying about him..magar apni laakh koshish ke baojuud woh Rocky ka muuh khulva nahi paya.
.
Ronnie ko yeh afsos hardam raha ke agar woh uski taqleef ko jaan paata, toh uska solution shayad woh uska solution nikaal pata.
maine bhi Ronnie ko laakh samjaaya iis ke baare mein..
ultimately mai kaamyaab hua usey convince karne mein, ke agar woh jaan bhi paata toh bhi woh kuch kar nahi pata.. kyo ke Rocky ne wohi kiya jo usne decide kar liya hoga.
Yeh koi aisa kaam nahi tha jo usne achanak over-night excitement mein kiya hai.
.
Ronnie, toh khair convince ho gaya shayad, magar mai apne dil ko iis baat ke liye convince nahi kar paya.
muje dil hi dil mein aisa lag raha hai, ke uus raat ko agar mai kuchh der ke liye uske saath ruuk gaya hota toh shayad aaj Rocky zinda hota...!
.
Maine Ronnie ko kuch nahi bataya uus raat ke baare mein.
Nahi bataya usey ko Rocky koi aisa hero nahi tha, jaisa woh samaz raha hai.
.
Rocky zinda tha tab bhi, aur marne ke baad bhi Ronnie ki nazaro mein ek adarsh bana raha, jisey Ronnie chahta raha, usey follow karna tha.. hardam.
Rocky ek hero tha Ronnie ke liye, jiske naqsh-e-qadam par woh chalna chahta tha.
magar ek guilt mere dil ko khaye ja rahi thi, har din, har raat..ke uski maut ko rok saku aisi positoin mein toh mai tha shayad..mai chahta toh...
.
yehi sab khayalaat mein duuba hua, thakk kar mai kab so gaya kuchh pata hi nahi chala..
.
.
dusre din office gaya toh Soloman tab muje darr tha, ke Soloman muje avoid karega..
magar jaise hi mai apni seat par baitha, ek tufaan ki tarah woh andar aaya-
"hey, I'm so sorry Nikhil, about last night..! After you left me in the bar all alone, I carried on drinking, and got a lot more drunk than I realised. Please don't read into it, it was just a one-off mistake, honestly."
.
Bechara Soloman, thoda sa nervous to dikh hi raha tha, aur jis betaabi se apne aap ko explain kar rha tha, muje toh hansi aa gayi.
yeh dekh kar woh fir chehak utha - "What..? I mean it yaar, I don't fancy about you or any such thing, trust me..I swear."
.
"Soloman it's ok." -I smiled- "Don't worry about it. Just as long as we're still mates, yeah?"
.
uski explaination se muje koi matlab nahi tha, mai jaanta tha ke woh jo kal pesh aaya woh uska normal behaviour nahi tha. Aisa woh aam taur pe kabhi pesh nahi aata tha. koi bhi eye-signal aaj tak uska aisa nahi tha jo yeh baat ki gawaahi de.
.
"If you wanna talk properly about you and Ronnie, you can do now..last night I tried to take advantage of your hard mood.. but normally i'm not like that.."
.
"I believe you Soloman. But yeah, we'll talk sometime, that would be good. My head is a little messed up lately, I'm scared to think how Ronnie must be feeling –OH FUCK..!"
.
"What happened..? -Soloman ne chaunk kar puchha
.
Maine jaldi se jeb mein haath daal kar apna fon nikala, aur dekha ke koi bhi sms nahi aaya tha.
.
"I didn't text any message to Ronnie last night, or even in this morning till now."
.
"Well.. then do it now." -Soloman hans kar bola- "Don't panic, it was probably good
to give him that bit of space."
.
"Yeah I suppose." -mai blank screen ki taraf dekhte hue bola..kya likhna chaiye woh samaj mein nahi aa rha tha.
.
"Ask him out for a drink.." -Soloman ne suggestion di.
.
"Really..?" -maine puccha-"will it not be too casual considering the situation..?"
.
"Not at all yaar, try and have some fun or something. Lighten up the things between the two of you." -ek experienced consultant ki tarah Soloman bol pada
.
Soloman ki baat maan kar maine Ronnie ko text kiya - `Hey, I hope you're ok. I'm missing you so much. Wanna go out for a drink tonight..? Around 6 or something..? I'll come pick you up from your Dad's.."
.
Mera gala sukhne laga. Meri dhakan ki speed bhi badh gayi.. please say yes... please
muje apna fon niche rakhne ka dil nahi ho raha tha.
Mai uski aur taakta raha..uske response ka wait karte hue.
.
"Relax.." -maine Soloman ko kehte suna
mere haath se fon le kar niche rakhte hue woh bola - "Even if he says no, that doesn't mean he isn't gonna take you back again..."
.
maine ek kamzor smile di, aur apni chair par jhuuk gaya, Soloman ke dilaase se mai shayad convinced nahi ho pa raha tha.
"Suppose...well I'll start with my work.. you too get yourself busy..let's see later"
.
"Yeah, ok...see ya later" -kehte hue woh chala gaya meri cabin se.
.
jaise hi darwaaza bandh hua ke fon ki vibration se meir desk thartharane lagi.
maine fauran fon utha liya. Ronnie ka msg tha- "under one condition.."
.
maine jaldi se reply kiya yeh puchhte hue ke kya condition thi uski..
muje koi parwaah nahi thi, bass i was just desperate to make hi agree to pick him up in the evening from his dad's.
.
reply aayi..-"We go to Woodoo.."
.
mai thamm sa gaya..
magar mere paas koi chaara nahi tha uski baat maan'ne ke siwa.
.
-Ok.. will pick u up.." -maine reply text bheja.. (contd..)
.
.
==================================

I'm Sorry (8)

"What do you love about Ronnie?" -Soloman ke aise direct sawaal ne muje achraj mein dubo diya.
Mai aur Soloman bahar living room mein baith kar coffee ki sip le rahe thhe.Tab usne yeh sawaal uthaya.
.
.
Kisi bahut badi misunderstanding ke chalte, maine Soloman ke saath aisa suluk kiya tha jis ki wajah se woh muje itni jaldi maaf nahi karta.
Magar apni galti ko realize karte hi maine usey sms kiya aur usey sorry kaha.
Usne bhi bada dil rakhte hue muje forgive kar diya.
.Pichhle 2 dino se mera chehra aur mera mood meri life mein chal rahe mushkil waqt ki Soloman ko gawahi dete thhe,
and apart from that,
Ronnie ka naam suun kar mera apne aape se baahar chale jaana..
.
Soloman ko ab do aur do chaar karne mein der nahi lagegi woh mai samaj gaya tha,
toh uske aage ab bina kuch chhupaaye apna masla pesh karne ka maine tay kar liya tha.
.
.
Uske aate hi fir se maine ek baar aur maafi maang li
fir ham dono living room mein relax ho kar baithe
aur cofee ka bada sa mug uske haath mein thama kar maine usey sab bata diya.. sab kuchh.
Mai khud bhi apni honesty se hairaan reh gaya ke maine us'se kuch nahi chhupaya.
Muje ab kaafi halka feel ho raha tha, maano ek boj hatt gaya ho dil par se.
.
Jab maine usey yeh bataya ke mai Woodoo mein anjaan ladko ke saath sex karta raha hu toh uska response yeh tha ke mai condom etc ko lekar careful toh rehta hu ke nahi.
Usne aisa koi remark nahi diya ke mai kitna khudgarz hota chala hu apni relationship mein.
.
Fir maine jab usey bataya ke kaise Ronnie ko sab pata chal gaya aur kaise hamdono ke beech kya kya ho raha hai, toh usne muje yeh sawaal kar ke acharaj mein daal diya ke-"What do you love about Ronnie?"
.
"Everything," -mere muuh se nikal gaya.
sahi mein muje koi fault nazar hi nahi aa raha tha Ronnie mein.
Sab kuch perfect tha uska. uska dil, uska jism, uski khubsurati, uski smile..
.
"You say everything, -Soloman ne mere nazdik aate aate pucha-  but then..surely you can't have done this all things. Surely your relationship must have missed something.. Or he must be having a fault or two, that must have bothered to you.."
.
Uski iis baat ko thoda sa khayaal dete hue maine apni aankhe bandh kar li, ke achanak..
I froze..
Soloman ne apne honth, mere hontho par daba liye thhe.
.
.
.
.
(Ronnie ka Khayalaat)
Nikkil se duur bhag kar mai sidha apni car mein baith kar tezi se nikal gaya.
Meri aankhe se mere aansu ek pal bhi ruukne ka naam nahi lete thhe.
Magar abki baar uski wajah alag thi.
I was angry on my self for getting physically closed with Nikhil, for kissing him so intensely. 
Chaahe mai kitna bhi uska pyaar paane ko desperate kyo na tha, magar muje iis tarah se apne aap ko uske hawaale nahi kar dena chaiye tha.
Ab muje lagne laga ke maine apne aap ko kitna cheap, kitna sasta bana diya tha uun kuch palo ke liye.
Mai nahi chahta ke Nikhil ko aisa lage ke usne muje fir se haansil kar liya hai.
Ab aage usey jyada koshish karne ki jarurat nahi hai waisi feeling uske dil mein nahi laani hai muje. Woh itna jaldi kaise maan'ne lage ke maine usey forgive kar diya hai.
Nahi.. kabhi nahi..
Woh mere pyar, meri devotion, meri loyalty ke laayak nahi hai. bilkul hi nahi.
I had given him everything I could; emotionally, financially,..just everything. 
And for what..? For him to throw it in my face by cheating me..? hurting me..? sleeping around as if I was of no value to him?
there is no doubt, ke mai usey ek beokuuf ki tarah pyaar karta raha hu aur seriously muje uski jarurat hai..
magar fir bhi, fil haal toh mera gussa bilkul kam nahi hua hai.
.
yaha waha mai koi bhi direction mein drive karta raha.
Kaha jaau kuch samaj mein nahi aa raha tha.
Koi bhi jagah aisi nazar nahi aa rahi hai, jaha muje thoda sa bhi sukun mil paaye, meri family, mere friends.. kahi nahi jana muje,
ab ki baar toh Rocky ke paas ja kar roney se bhi kuch tasalli nahi milne waali.
.
Rocky ke saamne ja kar baithne se toh meri yaado ka dariya fir se umadne waala hai.
aisi dardnaak yaadein jo meri himmat meri taaqat ko khatm kar dene ke kaabil hai...
Kitne saare anginat sawaal khade kar ke woh muj se bichhad kar iis duniya se chala gaya hai.
Rocky ko kya dard khaye ja raha tha?
Usne aisa kyo kiya..?
aisa aakhri kadam kyo uthaya usne?
Mai Rocky se bahut bahut pyar karta tha, aur ab bhi karta hu, magar mai usey bhi maaf nahi karnewala muje iis tarah akela chhor jaane ke liye.
uski maut ke baad uske har dost, har jaan-pahechan waalo se maine kitni puch-taach ki thi ke usey kis baat ki depression aa gayi thi.
Magar koi kuch nahi bata saka tha. Usne kabhi apna dil kisi ke saamne khola nahi tha, shayad.
Kitna tadpa hoga woh andar hi andar.. uska wohi dard uski jaan lekar hi raha aakhir.
Woh apni sexuality ko lekar khush tha,
apne job se koi problem nahi thi.
kitne saare dost thhe
aur family mein bhi woh ham sabse kitna close tha, dad se, mujse, Richie se..
ham mein se kisi ko kuch nahi bata saka woh..? kyo..?
.
Jab yeh sab khyaal tadpa tadpa kar meri raato ki neend uuda kar muje bich raat mein jaga dete thhe, muje rota tadapta kar de utne zulm sehta tha mai, tab Nikhil mere saath hi tha, hardam.
.
Ek wohi tha, jo muje hausla deta tha, aise situations ka saamna karne ki shakti wohi de pata tha muje.
sirf uski maujudgi ek aisi chattaan bann jaati thi jis'se takra kar Rockie ki yaad ki har lehar tuut kar chhur ho jaati thi.
Mere dad, aur Richie dono bhi thhe mere saath, magar woh dono bhi kaafi tuut chuke thhe toh muje kaise samhalte woh.
tab muje kisi dusre taqatwar insaan ki jarurat thi. Aur woh dusra taaqatwar insaan bana Nikhil.
Woh muje push kar ke aage dhakelta tha, uun baato ka saamna karne ke liye jo ab haqikat bann chuki thi aur kabhi badalne waali baat nahi thi.
Usne muje andhere se bahar nikala aur fir se jine ki raah dikhaayi iin 2 saalo mein, warna mai toh duniye ke sabhi darwaaze bandh kar ke akele hi ghhunt kar marne ki kismat likha kar aaya tha.
Rocky ke sabse karib hone ke naate, muje aisa lagne laga tha ke mera yeh farz tha uske uus dard ko sahi samay par pehchan lene ka, chaahe woh muje kuch kehta ya nahi.
Magar Nikhil muje convince karne mein kaamyaab hua ke agar mai kuch jaan bhi paata toh bhi mai kuch nahi kar paane wala tha. Muje apne aap ko dosh dene ki koi wajah nahi thi, kyo ke Rocky wohi karta jo usko jaruri lagne laga tha.
Magar fir bhi..
kaash mai uske maut ki, uski depression ki wajah jaan pata.
===============
.
.
"What the hell Soloman..!" -mai chilla utha.
apne pairo par khada ho gaya. Coffee ka mug table se girte girte bacha..
.
"What's wrong?" -Soloman asked calmly, while standing up himself- "You want this don't you?"
.
"Want what?" -meri aawaz frustration se kaampne lagi.
.
"Well, me. You want me. don't you?" -mere nazdik fir se aate hue usne kaha.
meri kamar ko pakad kar muje apne nazdeek khiich kar usne muje jakad liya.
.
"Don't do this to me Soloman..." -mai halke se bola,
waise mai kuchh kamzor hota chala tha, uske aage, magar dusre hi pal apne aap ko samhaal liya.
.
Ronnie ne muje cheat karte hue pakda usse pehle agar yeh hota, toh shayad mai Soloman ke hawaale apne aap ko kar deta.. magar ab nahi.
.
Maine usey ek halka sa dhakka diya.
Soloman thoda sa confused hota hua pichhe hatt gaya.
 .
"Sorry Soloman,  I'm madly in love with Ronnie, and now I'm trying to win him back, I've just been explaining to you before you..tried to kiss me."
.
"If you love Ronnie that much, then seriously yaar, why the hell did you cheat so much..? Ham dono dost hai toh muje yeh kehna nai chaiye, magar tum iis baat se inkaar nai kar sakte ke you've been a complete dick to that poor Ronnie."
.
Apni kiss ke rejection ko Soloman ne kaafi aasaani se digest kar liya tha..
thank god...
.
uski baat pe maine koi reaction nahi di
toh usne fir se apna point rakha- "Tell me why you cheated..?
.
"I think..to get some attention." -maine ek thandi saans chhorte hue kaha.
.
"what..? -usne meri baat ko seriously nahi lete hue fir se pucha.
.
"I know, what I am saying sounds stupid to you, right?"
.
"Well, what's wrong with the attention that Ronnie gives you..? woh tumko attention toh deta hi hoga.."
.
"Ha..! What attention..! He may hug and kiss me some times.. that all but he is NEVER up for anything more than that." -maine ab dil pura kholna chaha- "We 'did' it sometimes, once a week or so, since so many months."
Soloman ki bhanve upar chadd gayi..woh ab iis discussion ko aage le jaana chahta tha.
.
maine apni baat aage badhaayi- "Sorry Soloman, even that is not the main problem for me. woh koi bada problem nai hai mere liye.. jab muje woh sex nai de pata woh time depression ka hota, toh mai sex ki itni less frequency ke saath bhi chala leta. koi jyada problem nahi hai mere ko.  I know that sounds awful to you, but  then, there has always something wrong with Ronnie. Always kuch na kuch usey problem rehti hi hai..! "
.
"Always..? what's wrong with him always..?
.
"After being together in this house, just within few months he just changed, he got moody easily and became really insecured to such an extend that he was even hesitant to get undressed in front of me..!  You understand me..? mere saamne nanga hone mein bhi woh hesitate karne laga.."
.
"yeah.. carry on.."
.
"I'm just not used to that Soloman. And then, It has been even worse after Rocky's death.."
"Rocky..?
"His brother.. Rocky..2 years older than him. They were very close to each other"
"ok.."
"At first this was understandable. But yaar, it's been years now, do saal ho gaye uski maut ko but Ronnie is still cut up. He is very much traumatised by the whole thing. Hardam darra hua sehmai... Always mentally disturbed by the death of Rocky. Arey, sometimes I feel more like a therapist then a boyfriend..yaar."
.
Soloman meri taraf ek-tak nazro se dekhta raha. Kuch kehna chaah raha tha woh, magar kuch na bola.
Bass, dekhta raha meri aur.
"Sorry." -maine fir ek thaki hui saans chhorte hue apne maathe par apna haath fera aur kaha- "I've never, actually said any of that to anyone before, except Rocky anyway."
.
"Rocky..?
.
"To be honest,  I don't really like telling people about him" -Rocky ke saath, uske maut ke kuchh arse pehle hue mere ek awkward incident ko yaad karte hue mai bola.
.
"If you feel that way about your relationship with Ronnie, then why don't you speak to him? Why you sleep around with others instead of that ? And besides, you said he is perfect, but it doesn't sound anymore, like you meant it that way..!"
.
"I know it sounds ridiculous, but then.. it gets difficult..day by day.." -maine udaasi se apni baat jaari rakhi.
Jis interest se woh suun raha tha, muje kaafi relief mil rahi thi.
.
"Difficult ..? in which way? -woh puchha
.
"I don't dare to upset him by saying I'm not happy. As it is, he is already broken enough. He is perfect. agar woh insecure aur depressed hai toh It is not his fault, kyo ke when he has a good day, he is the most loving man I've ever met.  But most of the times, I feel like I'm living in somebody's shadow..kisi ki parchhai hardam hamare relation ko kaalikh deti rahi hai.."
.
"So you started finding Ronnie elsewhere..?"
.
"yaar, I know I've been a selfish prick to him. But when I first started `playing away' it started with me just going to that bar to flirt, to get some attention, that's all. But then I started actually having sex, and then..it all went out of my control from there. Really.. I swear..!."
.
"You need to tell Ronnie all this." -Soloman softly muje samjaate hue bola. "Nikhil, How can you expect to move forward if you're not honest with him.. ? uus'e baat kiye bina koi solution kaise niklega"
.
"He will laugh on me Soloman..hansega woh muj par, who wouldn't ? it all sounds so stupid."
.
"No Nikhil, it doesn't. Of course it doesn't sound stupid. You can't give that kind of support to someone constantly. Hardam kitne dino tak tum usey support karte rahoge..You need love and care in return. But Ronnie clearly isn't doing that. There needs to be give and take on both parts."
.
"I know I know, but he does give back. He tries his hardest. Puri koshish karta hai woh muje co-operate karne ki. I know he loves me; but he's just dealing with a lot of shit. Uske dimaag mein kaafi halchal machi hui hai.. Everything is so intense, emotionally, with Ronnie and me. It freaks me out sometimes how much I love him. I almost can't handle that fear of losing him, so going with other guys, gives me some relief from all that. mera dhyan dusre ladko mein juuta kar mai iin sab se kuch waqt ke liye alag ho jata hu. I know I'm not making much sense, but, well, it's hard to explain I guess."
.
"I think you're making more sense then you think." Soloman said, uske hoto par fir ek masti bhari smile aa gayi..
.
"I've never told anyone about all this," -mai bhi hans ke usey response diya- "reasons chaahe kuchh bhi ho, magar yeh koi excuse nahi hui Ronnie ko iitni buri tarah treat karne ki. He deserves so much more."
.
"oh yeah..is it..?" -Soloman kuch naughty-tone mein hans kar bola
.
Tab Muje khayal aaya ke ab serious baatein kaafi ho gayi. Jo muje kehna tha woh mai keh dala.
"I think you must go now, Soloman. It's getting late now. I just need to think it all over again in my privacy. So.. We'll talk tomorrow, yeah? Thanks for coming over."
.
" I'm happy to stay and talk some more, Nikhil?"
.
"Honestly, its fine. You've been amazing." -maine usey kuchh usko appreciate karte hue kaha-"for the most part, anyway."
.
Usney kuch ajeeb si siti bajaayi mere kandhe ko halke se dabate waqt, aur woh khada ho gaya
.
"Ok Nikhil, but I'll see you tomorrow yeah? I'm sorry again about...'that' earlier."
sharm se uske gaalo mein surkhi aa gayi..
.
"It's fine." -maine mazaak ki-"But never try again, ok? See ya later. I deserve a medal for turning you down..!
.
darwaaza bandh hone ki aawaz ke saath mai sofa par leit gaya.
apni aankhe bandh kar li aur sone ki koshish karne laga.magar neend toh maano koso duur bhaag chali thi. Mera mann ateet ki yaado mein duubne laga. Rocky mere khayalo mein mein fir aane laga. uske saath hue uus incident ko yaad karne laga. Mai jaanta tha woh apne aape mein nahi tha.. toh fir mai kyo ruuka nahi tab..?
kuchh der mai ruuk jata uske saath uus raat toh shayad.... (contd..)
.
===========================

I'm Sorry (7)

Ronnie muje cheat kar raha hai, uus khayal ne muje ekdam hila ke rakh diya tha.
Tabhi muje ehsaas hua ke Ronnie, without Ronnie actually cheating me, mai itna distrub ho sakta hu, toh jab Ronnie ne muje range haatho pakad liya tha usey cheat karte hue, toh uske dil par kya biti hogi.
.
Issi khayaalo ke saath mai farsh par be-haal sa pada raha
tab tak..ke jab kisi ne knock kiya mere darwaaze par.
.
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Maine apni writst-watch mein dekha, sham ke 8baj chuke thhe,
matlab kam se kam 30mins mai farsh par pada raha, sirf Ronnie ke baare mein sochte hue.
.
iis waqt ke darmiyaaan mai sochta raha, ke kitna muje Ronnie ne help kiya tha, iis makaan ko kharidne mein, issey real-sense mein ek ghar banane mein, hamara ghar..
.
Mai kabhi apne parents se jyada connected nahi rha hu.
Adulthood acquire karne ke fauran baad, mai ghar ke bahar hi raha hu, for studies or for my job.
Very rarely I went to meet my widow mother and my divorcee elder sister.
.
.
Magar Ronnie toh apni family se always closely attached hi raha hai.
Uski mom kaafi arsey pehle guzar chuki thi, may be more than 15years ago.
But his dad didn't remarry.
Apne teeno ladke, Richie, Rocky aur Ronnie ko unho ne mom and dad dono ka pyar diya. His dad never interfered in the decisions of his sons.
But always guided them in proper fatherly way.
Is'se ghar ka atmosphere kaafi free and friendly raha.
As a result father and the 3 brothers were quite attached to each other.
But even more, Ronnie apne middle bro Rocky se toh bahut jyada attached tha, as compared to the eldest Richie.
uun dono mein age-difference hardly 2saal ka hi tha, may be, yeh ek wajah hogi.
Aise friend-like-family ko chhor kar Ronnie mere saath rehne aa gaya, just for me.
And what he recieve from me, just unjustice and pain.
Tabhi maine fir darwaaze par fir se dastak suni.
Jo bhi tha bahar woh ab jyada betaab ho raha tha.
Maine darwaza khola, ekdam casually without any anxiety,
magar bahar nazar karte hi meri saans thamm gayi.
.
Ronnie tha waha..
Ronnie aaya tha mere ghar magar bilkul khush nahi lag raha tha woh.
maine dekha woh kaafi ruuva sa aur thaka hua dikh rha tha.
.
"What the hell, Nikhil?" -usne zor se chillate hue kaha.
Meri chhati par haath se dhakka dekar usne muje pichhe dhakela aur aage, andar aaya
firr apne pichhe zor se darwaaza bandh kar diya
.
Woh kaafi gussey mein lag rha tha.
Uska itna aggressive hona kaafi nayi baat thi. It wasn't in his nature,
Aur waise bhi ham-dono kabhi ek duje par ek ungli tak nahi rakhte thhe.
toh uska aise muje dhakka de kar andar aana..
.
I was stunned, genuinely shocked at seeing Ronnie so Ronnie.
Hamari for par ki conversation koi arguement nahi thi.
Maine toh usey koi bura-bhala nahi kaha tha.
.
"What's wrong?" -mai hairani se bol pada.
.
"What the fuck was that phone call about?" -woh chillaya- "You ring and go on saying about how you feel about me, tell me that you're sorry and all that shit, but then just hang up the phone on me ? What does that even mean..?"
.
mai hakka-bakka sa dekhtra rha usey.
woh emotionally kaafi tuuta hua dikh raha tha. ek hi waqt mein rota aur chillata hua bhi... kuch bhi kehne ke liye mai kaafi confused tha.
maine aisi confrontation kabhi bhi expect nahi ki thi.
Honesty, muje kuch samaz mein nahi aa rha tha.
.
"huh?" -mai itna hi bol paya
.
"Is it...is it over?" -woh rote hue bola, uska gussa achanak gayab ho gaya- "Is that what you were trying to tell me..?"
.
"No..." -mai sans liye bina bol pada. uska chehra apni hatheliyo mein lekar maine kaha- "No...I was just telling you that I want you to be happy, Ronnie. And if that means not being with me...then I can understand. You're all I care about."
.
I could see the turmoil in his eyes.
Clearly, he didn't want us to come to an end, lekin kuud kar meri baanho mein aane ke liye bhi woh ready nahi tha.
.
Aankho mein nami ke saath ham-dono ek duje ko dekhte rahe.
Kash.. mai uske dil mein fir se bharosa kar paau.
.
Tabhi woh achanak aage badha aur muje apni baaho mein bhar kar muje deep-kiss karne laga.
indeed, yeh ek surprise thi mere liye..
definitely a surprose..
magar ek pal ki iis surprise ke baad, maine apne aap ko samhaal liya aur usey co-operate karne laga.
do-teen pal ki woh deep kiss, kuch der baad ek halki fulki si innocent kiss ban gayi, jismein koi vaasna nahi thi. Agar tha, toh bass ek duje ke liye ka pyaar. .
.
Ek duje ko baaho mein bharte hue bina apne muuh ko alag kiye hue ham dono sofa par baith gaye and we continued it for much much more longer time.
.
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kaafi der ke baad..jab mai jaaga toh Ronnie ab bhi meri baaho mein tha.
Ham dono ki aankh lag gayi thi kuch waqt ke liye.
Mai kaafi relieved feel kar rha tha, ke iis ka kuch toh matlab nikalta hoga jo meri favour mein tha.
agar ham dono ki relationship ka bright-future na hota, toh woh saamne se muje kiss na karta.
aur uske baad bhi ham dono ne ek duje ko countless kisses ki thi.
usne muje yeh jataya ke usne bhi muje utna hi miss kiya tha, jitna ke maine usey. 
.
I too hope that I was been able to make him feel loved, and made him believe that every ounce of my compassion, was meant for him, and him only.
.
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mere siney par apna chehre rakh kar, woh meri baaho mein leita hua tha,
Mai uski har ek detail nihaarta raha.
uske naazuk patle honth, uske sharp-cheekbones, jo ke uske chehre ko itna jyada handsome banate thhe.
And his eyes...those incredible eyes which, even while closed, were amazing with their long, feathery eyelashes.
I couldn't believe how much I loved him.
We made the perfect team, which was proven while obtaining our this home.
.
Meri sister ki la-ilaaj bimaari ki treatment ke kharche ki wajah se, iis ghar ke installments dene mein jab muje financially problems aane lagi thi, tab bhi maine apni sister ko help dene ka jaari rakhne ke decide kiya tha..
magar mere decision mein usne koi dakhal-andaazi nahi di thi.
.
Usne khud bhi ek extra part-time job kar li.
Waise toh woh ek MNC mein HR Dept mein tha, toh waisa aur koi kaam usey milne se raha.
Tab usne ek gande se beer-bar mein late evening mein cashier ka job kar liya.
Mai chahta tha ke Ronnie woh kaam jald se jald chhor de.
But he was determined to get us out of the financial crisis.
.
Ham house-rent na de paate toh deposit tak forfiet ho sakti thi, but Ronnie came out with flying colours in such crucial time of our relationship.
.
Magar maine uske har effort ko dishonour kar diya, Aasif ko hamre bedroom mein le aa karke.
.
Ab yeh sab picche chhut jaane wala hai, uus baat ke ehsaas se relaxed feel karte hue, maine usey apni baaho mein khincha.
Magar ek halke se effort ke saath woh chehra pichhe le gaya.
.
"Come on," -I coaxed- "I've missed you so much."
.
Ronnie ke expressions kuchh relaxed hue.
Woh muje lovingly dekhta raha aur bola -"I too missed you.I don't want to lose you again, Nikhil. I can't... you know? I couldn't have cope-up without you."
.
'cope-up' se uska matlab tha...saamna karna, mukabla karna..!
yes, apne bhai Rockie ko miss karne ki apni ladaai ki woh baat kar raha tha.
.
mai samaj sakta hu ke woh loss uske liye kaafi jordaar saabit hua tha.
Ham-dono ke break-up ne muje jitna todd diya tha, toh khuda na karey, agar Ronnie ko kuch ho jaaye to meri kya condition hogi..uus khyaal se hi mai daar jata hu.
Aise mein Ronnie ko apni jaan-se-bhi-jyada-aziz bhai ki maut ka sadma kitna gehra hoga.. I can very well understand,
.
magar fir bhi,
Rocky ki maut ko 2saal ho gaye hai,
aur aaj 2saal ke baad bhi usey itna difficult kyo ho raha hai, woh muje tajjub sa lag raha tha.
shayad jis tarike se Rocky ki maut hui thi, woh baat hi iske liye jimmedar hogi.
yeh ek gehra shock de gayi hogi.
Abhi bhi Ronnie darr or dard ke maare, chikhta chillata aise jaag uthta hai, jisey witness karna ek horrible baat hoti hai.
woh apni chest ko dabakar masalta rehta hai, maano usey saans bhi lene mein taqlif ho rahi ho.
pure kamre mein yaha-waha woh aise daudta-bhagta hai jaise abhi kuch hi pal mein woh nervous break-down ka shikaar hone wala ho.
.
Woh muje lovingly dekhta raha aur bola -"I too missed you.I don't want to lose you again, Nikhil. I can't... you know, I couldn't have cope-up without you."
.
"I'm not going anywhere," -maine mulayam suur mein kaha- "I love you more than anything, Ronnie."
.
suddenly uski aankho mein udaasi chha gayi aur usne apni aankhe chura li.
mere siney mein apna sar chhupa liya aur apni ungliya mere peit mei chubha kar dabochne laga.
.
"What's wrong..? -maine puccha
"Nothing.." -gehri soch mein dubi hui uski aawaz aayi.
"I promise I'll never hurt you again, Ronnie. I promise I'll spend forever making it up to you."
"I think it's too late," -usne fir roni si aawaz mein kaha-  " I don't hope this pain will ever go away."
Galey aur aankho se uske aansu muje sunnai dene lage.
"It will Ronnie, Please don't lose faith in us," -I whispered,
magar muje khud ko meri iis baat pe vishwaas nahi tha.
muje daar tha ke meri iis dhokhe baazi ka saaya lambe arsey tak hamari relationship par padta rahega, chaahe mai kitni bhi koshish karu mere diye hue iin ghaavo ko bharne ke liye.
.
Ronnie halke se khada hua.
mai bhi bina-marzi ke us'se alag hokar baith gaya.
Uske saath ki iis physical closeness ab khatm honey ja rahi thi..
muje andaza aa gaya ke ab Ronnie fir se hamari problem ke baare mai baat karne wala hai.
.
"I can't stop picturing the two of you. And thinking about who else you've been with, and when..."
.
yes, I was right...mera andaza sahi nikla.
.
"Ronnie, please," -maine apni aawaz soft rakhte hue kaha,
kyo ke mai maanta tha ke usey haq tha yeh baat chhedne ka. magar khudgarzi se mai yehi chahta tha, ke hamari relationship aise jaari rahe, maano kuch nahi hua hai.
.
muje koi marzi nahi thi fir se uus baat ko chhedne ki. as if hamara koi relationship-breakdown hua hi na ho.
.
"I should go.." -usne ek thandi saans lete hue kaha aur apne kapde theek thaak karne laga.
.
Mai uske handsome jism ko niharta raha. bikhri hui zulfo ke chalte woh photoshop ke kisi model ki tarah khubsurat lag raha tha.
..
"We can get through this, you know," -maine kaha uus ummid ke saath ke woh meri baat mein rahe vishwaas ko suun sakey.
Achanak hi Ronnie muje kaafi thaka hua lagne laga..
uski palke bhaari si..
aankho ke nichey black circles..
aadha khula hua uska muuh, jo uskey chehre ko aur lamba sa dikhane laga tha.
yes, maine hi usey itna thaka hua depressed bana diya tha.
.
apne kandho ko jhatka dekar meri baato ko unsuna karte hue woh chal diya.
mai uske pichhey pichey gaya..
"Ronnie," usey apni aarms mein lete hue maine kaha- "Come here."
.
"I wanna go to see Rocky," -mere kandho mein chhipi hui uski siski ko maine suuna.
toh maine usey aur bhi tightly hug kiya.. uski pain ko thodi relief miley iis ummid se.
mai chahta tha ke mai uus mein firse woh confidence inject kar paau, jo ek waqt usmein hua karti thi.
"Just relax Ronnie..You've got me, -maine halke se kaha.
.
yeh suun kar woh achanak roney laga.
Maine usey aur sakhti se jakad liya..
Tab zor se woh mujse alag ho gaya aur mere gaal par ek thappad maar di.
I was shocked.
koi zordaar thappad nahi thi, magar yeh aisi harkat thi jo usne kabhi bhi pehle ki nahi thi..
.
"Fuck you, Nikhilesh Mahajan..!" -he wept- "I haven't got you; I've never had you. Never."
.
aur muje hakka-bakka sa chhor kar woh ghar se bhaag nikla.
.
muje uske pichhe daudna chahiye tha..magar mai nahi dauda
kyo ke usey thodi space dene ka maine decide kar liya tha.
maine usey aise ladke mein tabdeel kar diya tha, jisey mai khud bhi na pehchaan paau.
ab muje, usey waapas paane ke liye, koi nayi strategy ke baare mein sochna tha.
.
sab mess ho chuka tha.. ek pal mein woh meri feelings ko positive response deta hai,
toh dusre hi pal hamari relationship ke aage ek bada sa question mark lagate hue muje chhor kar bhaag nikalta hai.
.
kaise karna, kya karna, kuch samaz main nahi aata tha,
magar mai itna toh jaanta tha ke muje iis masle ko beech mein nahi chhor dena hai, chaahe kitna bhi complex yeh kyo na bann jata ho..
.
.
Shower lene ke baad muje bhukh lagne lagi tab muje Soloman ka khayal aaya.
muje laga ke muje Soloman ko sms karna chaiye.
jis tarah mai uske saath pesh aaya tha, muje us'se maafi maangni chaiye.
Woh ek achcha ladka hai.
.
.
`Hey. I'm sorry about earlier; I completely lost it and I shouldn't have.' -maine sms kiya.
.
fauran uska replya aaya -`It's ok. I'm here if you need to talk.'
.
kaafi achcha feel hua muje..
yeah, I need someone to talk..
meri life mein yeh jo kuch ho raha hai usey kisi ke saath ab muje share karna hi tha.
Toh jyada kuch soche bina maine Soloman ko coffee ke liye mere ghar invite kar diya.
Woh abhi apne ghar nahi pahucha tha.
On the way tha,
toh usne mera invitation kubul kar liya
it was already 10pm magar fir bhi woh mere ghar aane ko taiyaar ho gaya.
Aur mai uski wait karne laga..                  (contd..)
.
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