~ I am Sorry ~
.
Frnds,
ham mein se kaafi bande, sache pyaar ki talash mein hai, long term relationhip mein juudna chahte hai.
Magar yeh relationship maintain karna kitna mushkil hota hai, yeh kabhi kisi ne soch hai?
kitna jatan karna padta hai, usey tika kar rakhne mein..!
ek pal ki kamzori, palbhar ki ek jismani laalach bhi usey zakhmi karne ke liye kaafi hai.
.
Aur fir..?
kitni koshish, kitni mannate karni padti hai, usey fir se purane ruup mein dhaalne ke liye..!
.
yehi sab hai, meri iis agli story mein, jiska naam hai- " I'm Sorry"
.
meri kaafi saari stories ki tarah ek sex story nahi hai, yeh waali..
ismein koi aisi baat nahi hai, jo kisi ki bhanve uuchi kar de..
bass, ek simple si love-story hai..
.
sorry masturbators..!
masturbation ka koi masala nahi hai iismein..
.
aisi story likhne ki muje aadat nahi hai..
magar fir bhi..
ek koshish kar rha hu, fir se..!
.
'Bhul gaya sab kuch' aur 'Barsaat ki Raat' ke baad, fir se ek koshish hai, ek emotional melodrama pesh karne ki.
.
I hope..
if not many, at least some guys will appreciate this..
.
.
===============
~ I am Sorry.. (1) ~
.
mai office se nikla. aur ek cigarette jalayi.
sham ke kariban 5.15 baj rahe thhe, kaafi jaldi tha yeh waqt, ghar lautne ke liye.
aur maine apni bike ghar ke raste ke bajaye dusri taraf mod di.
ghar jaane se pehle muje kahiin aur jana tha..
meri manzil koi aur thi.
.
bass, 15mins drive karne ke baad, mai khada tha, 'Woo-doo' ke bahar.
yes, yahiin muje aana tha..aur mai aa gaya.
.
magar mere chehre par mayusi chha gayi, yeh dekh kar ke 'Woo-doo' toh bandh thi.
kal bhi yeh bandh thi.. aur aaj bhi.
kal ki tarah aaj bhi maine bahar lage hua board par nazar daali.
'Closed due to death in family'
pata nahi kaun marr gaya hai iiska.. yaha apni halat tangg ho rahi hai..-maine socha
.
'hi Nikhil..' -mai jaane ke liye muuda, ke pichhe se aawaz aayi
muud kar dekha toh Sohil tha.
mai samaj gya ke yeh bhi meri hi tarah apni tharak thandi karne, yaha aaya hai
.
'hi Sohil.. what's up..'
'nothing much yaar.. pata nahi iis Charlie ka bachcha kaha chala gaya..death in the family likha hai..kahi khuud toh nahi mar-mara gaya' -Sohil ne latke hue muuh ke saath kadua vachan kaha.
.
'arey shubh shubh bol yaar.. aisa hua toh yeh toh bechara tadapta reh jayega,' -maine nichey, apne pant ki aur ishara karte huye kaha.
.
'oh yeah..' -woh niche nazar kar ke, aankh maarte hue hans diya- 'so gya kya bechara..?'
-puchhte puchhte usne apna hath wahaan badhaya,
aur mai pichhe hatt gaya.
.
Sohil aur uske jaise ladko ka kuch bharosa nahi hota.
Kaafi besharm.. i mean, kaafi bold type ke hotey hai, yeh.
Public places mein bhi aisi-waisi harkat karte hue hich-kichate nahi.
.
Waise koi jyada public nahi thi raste par, magar fir bhi mai pichhe hatt gaya
kyo ke, at least muje toh public places ki fikr lagi hi rehti hai.
After all mai ek izzatdaar aur jimmedar citizen hu, iis shehar ka.
ek badi reputed salt industry mein chief account-executive ki respectful position par job kar rha hu.
Aur mai kabhi bhi nahi chahunga ke beech sadak par kisi ko bhi aisa koi shaq ho, jo meri reputation ko nuksaan pahuchaaye.
After all kitni mehnat aur kabiliyat se, 28 saal ki umar mein hi maine apne career ka woh makaam haasil kar liya hai, jo logo ko 40+ ke baad bhi mushkil se haansil ho pata hai.
magar meri jawani ka josh hi hai, jo muje aisi jagah le aata hai aur Sohil ke jaise ladko se milata hai.
.
Sohil yaha iis hotel Woodoo mein frequently, ya toh nearly daily aata rehta hai.
shaam ke 7baje ke baad toh kaafi bhiid hoti hai yaha.
aur gay bando ke jhuund ke jhuund umad aate hai, yaha.
kyo ke Charlie, jo ke iis hotel ka maalik ya manager ya care-taker jo bhi kaho, woh kaafi gay-friendly hai. in fact khud bhi gay hi hai.
.
toh..
through mouth-publicity yeh baat iis ilaake ka mostly har gay banda jaanta hai, ke Woo-doo mein aap ko gay atmosphere jaruur milega.
magar mai jyada involve nahi hota iin sab mein.
iisi liye mai 5 baje ke aas-paas aata hu and by 6.30, apna 'kaam' nipta kar bhiid jama hone se pehle nikal leta hu.
.
yes, iis hotel ke toilet mein, mai apna quick-session nipta leta hu, Sohil jaisa koi ladka aasani se mil jata hai yaha.
abhi 4 din pehle hi iis waqt, iis Sohil ko mai hotel ke toilet mein le kar gaya tha
aur ham dono ki jism ki pyaas bujha li thi.
.
Charlie yeh sab jaanta hai. magar usey koi objection nahi aisi harkato se, as long as yeh dusre customers ko problem na deti ho.
Aur yeh tab hi possible hota hai, agar mai bhiid hone se pehle hi yaha aa jaau.
Aur aaj bhi waisa hi kiya tha, magr kal ki tarah aaj bhi Woo-doo bandh hai,
toh koi ilaaj nahi tha mere paas except ke waise hi ghar laut jaau, lukkha-sukha
.
Mai jaanta tha ke Sohil ke paas koi 'place' nahi hai, aur na hi mere paas koi hai.
toh mai us'se pichha chhuda kar apni bike pe chal diya apne ghar ki aur..
woh ghar jaha koi mera intzaar kar raha tha..
mera boy friend,
mera Ronnie..
.
*****
.
Ronnie, yani ke Ronald..!
yeh mera boy friend hai.
bahut hi khubsurat, 24 saal ka nau-jawan hai woh.
patla sa magar muscular badan wala, maasum mgar mardana,
muje par apni jaan chhidakne wala, Ronald.
.
Woh samaj raha hai ke mai office se 6.30 baje nikalta hu aur 7 baje ghar pahuchta hu..
toh uus waqt woh mere liye meri favourite black-coffee ready rakhta hai.
par usey nahi pata ke mai toh, apni senior-most post ka faida utha kar, 5.15 baje hi office se nikal leta hu, aur Woo-doo mein ek-dedh ghanta spend karne ke baad hi ghar pahuchta hu.
Hotel se nikalte hi, Lynx ka ek doze apne muuh mein chhidak leta hu, taaki alchohol aur cigerette ki smell, mera bhaanda na fod de.
aaj toh beer nahi pi thi,
magar fir bhi maine mouth freshner apne muuh mein chhidak di.
after all, I did smoke a cigarette yaar..
aur Ronnie ko pata nahi chalna chahiye ke i've not yet stopped smoking..
usey meri sehat ki kaafi fikr lagi rehti hai, aur iisi liye smoking se duur rakhta hai muje.
aur mai bhi uske saamne, toh 'sarif-banda' bann kar hi rehta hu.
after all woh mera aisa boy-friend hai, jise 3 saal se mai jaanta hu,
aur pichle 2 saal se ham saath reh rahe hai
aur fir bhi..
ham dono ka pyaar waisa hi bar-karaar hai.
mai usey naraaz nahi kar sakta..
I love him yaar..
and he..?
he loves me more than himself, more than anyone in this world..
I'm lucky, ke aisa boy friend muje mila..aur aaj tak mere saath hi hai..
and yaar, 3 years is quite a long period in this gay-world to stick to each other..
but we are still togather..
touch-wood, so lucky guy, I am..!
.
But you will wonder about Sohil and other such boys..!
ok yaar.. i am a serial-cheater magar woh Ronnie ki wajah se nahi.
i do this just to get some thrill..!
i often feel guilty for this but i can't help it out..
aisi dates mein jo excitement milti hai muje, wo hi responsible hai muje cheater banane ke liye.
.
'iis' ke alawa, mai Ronnie ka khuub khayal rakhta hu.
usey bahar ghumane le jaane mein ek aur hi maza hai.
uski muuh-maangi man-pasand cheeze dilwa kar usey spoil karna meri aadat si ho gayi hai. usey jo achcha lagey, woh sab karne mein muje bada lutf milta hai,
kyo ke mai jaanta hu, ke without him, i am nothing..!
.
apni bike ko hamare ghar ke bahar park kar ke maine uus row-house ki aur dekha
and i felt proud of it.
maine aur Roniie ne kaafi mehnat kar ke yeh ghar basaya hai.
.
mai jaise hi ghar mein enter hua, ke Ronnie ne muje greet kiya..
'hey Nikhil..' -woh muje lipat kar bola- 'had a good day..?'
.
maine usey apne kareeb khincha aur reply dene ke pehle maine ek deep kiss ki uske rasile hontho par.
'yeah.. but i missed you constantly.' -maine usey ek kaatil smile dete hue kaha.
woh kitna lovable ladka hai..
usey dekhte hi mera dil pighalne lagta hai.
'bless you, come I'll get your coffee ready..you are early today so I've not yet prepared' -Ronnie ne muje lead kiya.
.
mai uske pichhe pichhe andar gaya.
Maine dekha ke uski house-keeping perfect thi.
har room puuri tarah saaf-suthra aur sajaya hua tha.
totally spotless..!
woh ek perfect boy-friend hai..
bhagwaan se mai iisse jyada kuch nahi maang pata, jo ke usne muje bin-maange hi de diya hai.
.
'thank you' -uski kamar par apna haath lapet kar uske gaal par ek aur kiss chipka kar
mai uske kaano mein fusfusaya.
uske badan ki khusbu mere naak me bhar gayi aur muje deewana banati gayi.
coffee ka glass aur sandwich ki plate ke saath ham living room mein aaye.
.
Jaise ham baithe toh maine dekha ke woh kuch nervous sa lag rha hai.
'everything ok..?' -maine puchha
'yeah..' -thoda hesitantly woh bola.
.
Roniie shayad thoda sa guilty feel kar rha tha- 'would you mind if i visit my dad's place for a while..? He wants me to set up the internet connection for him. It won't take more than a couple of hours.'
.
uski iis masuumiyat par hans dene se mai apne aap ko rok nahi paya.
Muje chhor kar bahar kahi jaane mein usey kaafi bura lagta hai, chaahe woh uske dad ka ghar hi kyu na ho.
.
'I always tell u Ronnie, you don't need my permission, I don't mind at all."
'sorry..' -woh sharma kar bola.
jab woh sharmata hai, toh aur bhi lovable lagta hai muje.
.
'This coffee tastes great, by the way..' maine ek smile dete hue kaha.
usne sharmana jaari rakhte hue muje smile-back kiya.
.
Jab bhi mai usey compliment deta hu toh woh kaafi uncomfortable feel karta hai.
woh kaafi insecure feel karta hai, jis se mai kaafi taajjub hota hu.
woh itna good-looking, dashing aur bloody-perfect ladka hai, toh usey koi wajah nahi hai itna insecure feel karne ki.
na maan'ne ki hadd tak woh generous, caring aur humourous banda hai.
agar woh chahta, toh literally bahar ja kar jisey chaahe usey pa sakta hai.
koi andha aur beokuuf hi hoga jo uski iis qualities ko appreciate na kar paaye
I felt like the luckiest man alive, to have him in my life.
.
Jaise hi maine apni coffee khatm ki, usne plate aur glass utha kar kitchen mein gaya.
mai uske pichhe gaya.
woh sab crockery wash karta tha
toh mai us'se pichche se lipat kar uski gardan mein kiss dete dete uske baalo ki scent ka maza leta rha.
.
'I'm going Nikhil..' -usne softly kaha- 'it shouldn't take too long..'
'ok babe..' -usey ulta ghumate hue maine kaha, taake mai usey tightly hug kar paau.
'I need to go, Nikhil..' -usne halke se apne aap ko chhurate hue kaha.
.
( 'but i am horny now..' -muje kehna tha.. magar mai keh nahi paya.)
'I love u so much..' -maine yehi kaha..
'love you too, Nikhil, more than myself..morethan anything.'
.
.
.
woh apne shoes pehanta raha, tab tak mai apne fon-book ki list tatolta raha,
ke kaun sa banda aa sakta hai abhi, yaha..
jald hi..
immediately..
.
iis 2 ghante ka waqt jo muje mil raha hai, uus darmyaan mai jo sex-encounter kar paunga woh kaafi electrifying hoga, I'm sure..!
.
'see you soon..' -keh kar Ronnie chala gaya
aur mai concentrate karne laga apni fon-book par.
.
Akhtar..?
no, he is out of city for at least 2 months.
.
Chintu..?
never again, uske saath ek baar karo, toh woh hafta 2 hafta tak chipka hua rehta hai, 'i love u' kehte hue, fon ke thru aur sms ke thru.
and i can't let this happen..quite risky.
.
Mayank..?
yeah..let me call him..
but wait.. woh toh abhi office mein hoga.. it's still quite early..
.
Aasif..?
yes, perfect..!
woh tattoo-artist hai, aur apne studio mein hi hoga abhi.
week days mein iis waqt jyada client nahi hotey toh woh free hoga iis waqt.
.
maine usey call kiya..
aur woh aa gaya..just in 10mins..
in the meanwhile, mai apni bike ke tool-box se condom ka pack le kar aaya.
.
Aasif meri hi umar ka hai..
aur meri hi tarah mardana aur muscular banda hai, jo ke mere taste se kuch kuch match nahi karta..
but still yaar, he is quite handsome..
so no problm..
.
Aatey hi, usne muje apni aur khinch aur mere muuh par ek zordaar kiss kari.
'chal, upar bedroom mein chalte hai..' -mai usey hamare, mere aur Ronnie ke, bedroom mein le jaate hue kaha.
.
.
.
Aasif ke saath sex karte karte mai itna kho gaya, ke aas-paas ka kuch pata hi nahi rha.
yahaa tak, ke kisi ne halke se bedroom ka darwaaza khola iis baat ka bhi andaza nahi laga.
halki si aahat ko suun kar mai pichhey ghuma, yeh dekhne ke liye ke kaun hai waha..
aur jo maine dekha uske liye mai bilkul prepared nahi tha.
bilkul hi nahi...
kisi ki bhi aankho mein maine, kabhi bhi.. itna dard nahi dekha tha
I was froze when i saw Ronnie standing there.
His expression looked full of inconsolable hurt.
He looked utterly devastated, with tears streaming down his face.
.
Yeh dekh kar mere siney mein gazab ki pain uthne lagi..maano chhuri chali gayi ho andar.
What the fuck have i done..!
.
Vikcy ek teer ki tarah wahaa se bahar bhaaga..
fauran maine apni trousers pehan li, uske pichhe daudne se pehle..
mera dil kaafi zor zor se dhadakne laga tha.
.
'Ronnie..' -meri aawaz mere gale mein hi atak ke reh gayi, jab maine usey ghar ke main door se bahar jaate hue dekha.
mai sadak tak uskey pichey dauda usey pakad kar rokne ke liye..
magar mai waisa karu us'se pehle toh woh apni car mein baith chuka tha aur doors lock kar diye thhe.
Fuck..!
He was out of reach..!
'Ronnie, please..!' -I begged while hitting the door-window- 'Ronnie..!'
He can't leave.
We need to talk about this.
There's no way, he can leave..!
jab usne car start ki tab mai uska chehra dekh nahi paya
aur na hi mai uska woh dard-bhara chehra dekhn chahta tha..
I couldn't stand the sight of the pain, that was clearly written all-over his face.
I continued to shout his name
magar woh speedily drive karta hua nikal liya.
.
mai apne baal khinchta raha..by way of frustration
meri aankho se ashq chhalak padey.
mera badan kaampne laga.
guilt aur regret meri nas-nas mein bhar gaye, jo dard bann kar mere khoon mein daudne lage.
How the fuck I have allowed myself hurt Ronnie, like that?
.
Mai ghar ke andar gaya tab Aasif bedroom se niche aa rha tha
maine uski aur gussey se dekha.
woh meri bagal se, kaafi karib se guzar gaya, bina kuch bole.
mai jaanta tha, uska koi fault nahi hai, magar muje uus par gussa aa rha tha, bina-wajah.
kya karu, kuch samaz mein nahi aa rha tha.
.
I felt terrified at the thought of losing Ronnie.
Ronnie meri zindagi ki behtarin asset hai.
Suddenly, I couldn't see why I'd ever risked in damaging our relationship.
Maine apna fon bahar nikal kar Ronnie ko call karne ki try ki.
.
But there was no answer.
aur kamse kam seven times maine try ki
aur fir..
fon patak diya.
.
fir Living room mein ja kar sofa par ludhak gaya, haatho mein apna chehra ghusa kar.
Bhigi hui annkho ke saath mai bahaane dhuundne laga, jis'se mai Ronnie ko convince kar saku.
Magar usne jo dekha hai abhi abhi, uski takkar ka koi bahana nahi mil pa rha tha.
.
Fir bhi muje koi toh aisa raasta dhundna padega, jis'se mai apne Ronnie ko apne paas rakh saku.
woh muje chhor kar gaya hai, muje ab pyar nahi karta hai aur na hi mujse baat karna chahta hai, -yeh sab soch kar muje saanse lene mein bhi ab dikkat hone lagi.
.
No, I will not let this happen.
I want to have my Ronnie back..
Back with me once again.. (Contd..)
.
=================================
.
Frnds,
ham mein se kaafi bande, sache pyaar ki talash mein hai, long term relationhip mein juudna chahte hai.
Magar yeh relationship maintain karna kitna mushkil hota hai, yeh kabhi kisi ne soch hai?
kitna jatan karna padta hai, usey tika kar rakhne mein..!
ek pal ki kamzori, palbhar ki ek jismani laalach bhi usey zakhmi karne ke liye kaafi hai.
.
Aur fir..?
kitni koshish, kitni mannate karni padti hai, usey fir se purane ruup mein dhaalne ke liye..!
.
yehi sab hai, meri iis agli story mein, jiska naam hai- " I'm Sorry"
.
meri kaafi saari stories ki tarah ek sex story nahi hai, yeh waali..
ismein koi aisi baat nahi hai, jo kisi ki bhanve uuchi kar de..
bass, ek simple si love-story hai..
.
sorry masturbators..!
masturbation ka koi masala nahi hai iismein..
.
aisi story likhne ki muje aadat nahi hai..
magar fir bhi..
ek koshish kar rha hu, fir se..!
.
'Bhul gaya sab kuch' aur 'Barsaat ki Raat' ke baad, fir se ek koshish hai, ek emotional melodrama pesh karne ki.
.
I hope..
if not many, at least some guys will appreciate this..
.
.
===============
~ I am Sorry.. (1) ~
.
mai office se nikla. aur ek cigarette jalayi.
sham ke kariban 5.15 baj rahe thhe, kaafi jaldi tha yeh waqt, ghar lautne ke liye.
aur maine apni bike ghar ke raste ke bajaye dusri taraf mod di.
ghar jaane se pehle muje kahiin aur jana tha..
meri manzil koi aur thi.
.
bass, 15mins drive karne ke baad, mai khada tha, 'Woo-doo' ke bahar.
yes, yahiin muje aana tha..aur mai aa gaya.
.
magar mere chehre par mayusi chha gayi, yeh dekh kar ke 'Woo-doo' toh bandh thi.
kal bhi yeh bandh thi.. aur aaj bhi.
kal ki tarah aaj bhi maine bahar lage hua board par nazar daali.
'Closed due to death in family'
pata nahi kaun marr gaya hai iiska.. yaha apni halat tangg ho rahi hai..-maine socha
.
'hi Nikhil..' -mai jaane ke liye muuda, ke pichhe se aawaz aayi
muud kar dekha toh Sohil tha.
mai samaj gya ke yeh bhi meri hi tarah apni tharak thandi karne, yaha aaya hai
.
'hi Sohil.. what's up..'
'nothing much yaar.. pata nahi iis Charlie ka bachcha kaha chala gaya..death in the family likha hai..kahi khuud toh nahi mar-mara gaya' -Sohil ne latke hue muuh ke saath kadua vachan kaha.
.
'arey shubh shubh bol yaar.. aisa hua toh yeh toh bechara tadapta reh jayega,' -maine nichey, apne pant ki aur ishara karte huye kaha.
.
'oh yeah..' -woh niche nazar kar ke, aankh maarte hue hans diya- 'so gya kya bechara..?'
-puchhte puchhte usne apna hath wahaan badhaya,
aur mai pichhe hatt gaya.
.
Sohil aur uske jaise ladko ka kuch bharosa nahi hota.
Kaafi besharm.. i mean, kaafi bold type ke hotey hai, yeh.
Public places mein bhi aisi-waisi harkat karte hue hich-kichate nahi.
.
Waise koi jyada public nahi thi raste par, magar fir bhi mai pichhe hatt gaya
kyo ke, at least muje toh public places ki fikr lagi hi rehti hai.
After all mai ek izzatdaar aur jimmedar citizen hu, iis shehar ka.
ek badi reputed salt industry mein chief account-executive ki respectful position par job kar rha hu.
Aur mai kabhi bhi nahi chahunga ke beech sadak par kisi ko bhi aisa koi shaq ho, jo meri reputation ko nuksaan pahuchaaye.
After all kitni mehnat aur kabiliyat se, 28 saal ki umar mein hi maine apne career ka woh makaam haasil kar liya hai, jo logo ko 40+ ke baad bhi mushkil se haansil ho pata hai.
magar meri jawani ka josh hi hai, jo muje aisi jagah le aata hai aur Sohil ke jaise ladko se milata hai.
.
Sohil yaha iis hotel Woodoo mein frequently, ya toh nearly daily aata rehta hai.
shaam ke 7baje ke baad toh kaafi bhiid hoti hai yaha.
aur gay bando ke jhuund ke jhuund umad aate hai, yaha.
kyo ke Charlie, jo ke iis hotel ka maalik ya manager ya care-taker jo bhi kaho, woh kaafi gay-friendly hai. in fact khud bhi gay hi hai.
.
toh..
through mouth-publicity yeh baat iis ilaake ka mostly har gay banda jaanta hai, ke Woo-doo mein aap ko gay atmosphere jaruur milega.
magar mai jyada involve nahi hota iin sab mein.
iisi liye mai 5 baje ke aas-paas aata hu and by 6.30, apna 'kaam' nipta kar bhiid jama hone se pehle nikal leta hu.
.
yes, iis hotel ke toilet mein, mai apna quick-session nipta leta hu, Sohil jaisa koi ladka aasani se mil jata hai yaha.
abhi 4 din pehle hi iis waqt, iis Sohil ko mai hotel ke toilet mein le kar gaya tha
aur ham dono ki jism ki pyaas bujha li thi.
.
Charlie yeh sab jaanta hai. magar usey koi objection nahi aisi harkato se, as long as yeh dusre customers ko problem na deti ho.
Aur yeh tab hi possible hota hai, agar mai bhiid hone se pehle hi yaha aa jaau.
Aur aaj bhi waisa hi kiya tha, magr kal ki tarah aaj bhi Woo-doo bandh hai,
toh koi ilaaj nahi tha mere paas except ke waise hi ghar laut jaau, lukkha-sukha
.
Mai jaanta tha ke Sohil ke paas koi 'place' nahi hai, aur na hi mere paas koi hai.
toh mai us'se pichha chhuda kar apni bike pe chal diya apne ghar ki aur..
woh ghar jaha koi mera intzaar kar raha tha..
mera boy friend,
mera Ronnie..
.
*****
.
Ronnie, yani ke Ronald..!
yeh mera boy friend hai.
bahut hi khubsurat, 24 saal ka nau-jawan hai woh.
patla sa magar muscular badan wala, maasum mgar mardana,
muje par apni jaan chhidakne wala, Ronald.
.
Woh samaj raha hai ke mai office se 6.30 baje nikalta hu aur 7 baje ghar pahuchta hu..
toh uus waqt woh mere liye meri favourite black-coffee ready rakhta hai.
par usey nahi pata ke mai toh, apni senior-most post ka faida utha kar, 5.15 baje hi office se nikal leta hu, aur Woo-doo mein ek-dedh ghanta spend karne ke baad hi ghar pahuchta hu.
Hotel se nikalte hi, Lynx ka ek doze apne muuh mein chhidak leta hu, taaki alchohol aur cigerette ki smell, mera bhaanda na fod de.
aaj toh beer nahi pi thi,
magar fir bhi maine mouth freshner apne muuh mein chhidak di.
after all, I did smoke a cigarette yaar..
aur Ronnie ko pata nahi chalna chahiye ke i've not yet stopped smoking..
usey meri sehat ki kaafi fikr lagi rehti hai, aur iisi liye smoking se duur rakhta hai muje.
aur mai bhi uske saamne, toh 'sarif-banda' bann kar hi rehta hu.
after all woh mera aisa boy-friend hai, jise 3 saal se mai jaanta hu,
aur pichle 2 saal se ham saath reh rahe hai
aur fir bhi..
ham dono ka pyaar waisa hi bar-karaar hai.
mai usey naraaz nahi kar sakta..
I love him yaar..
and he..?
he loves me more than himself, more than anyone in this world..
I'm lucky, ke aisa boy friend muje mila..aur aaj tak mere saath hi hai..
and yaar, 3 years is quite a long period in this gay-world to stick to each other..
but we are still togather..
touch-wood, so lucky guy, I am..!
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But you will wonder about Sohil and other such boys..!
ok yaar.. i am a serial-cheater magar woh Ronnie ki wajah se nahi.
i do this just to get some thrill..!
i often feel guilty for this but i can't help it out..
aisi dates mein jo excitement milti hai muje, wo hi responsible hai muje cheater banane ke liye.
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'iis' ke alawa, mai Ronnie ka khuub khayal rakhta hu.
usey bahar ghumane le jaane mein ek aur hi maza hai.
uski muuh-maangi man-pasand cheeze dilwa kar usey spoil karna meri aadat si ho gayi hai. usey jo achcha lagey, woh sab karne mein muje bada lutf milta hai,
kyo ke mai jaanta hu, ke without him, i am nothing..!
.
apni bike ko hamare ghar ke bahar park kar ke maine uus row-house ki aur dekha
and i felt proud of it.
maine aur Roniie ne kaafi mehnat kar ke yeh ghar basaya hai.
.
mai jaise hi ghar mein enter hua, ke Ronnie ne muje greet kiya..
'hey Nikhil..' -woh muje lipat kar bola- 'had a good day..?'
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maine usey apne kareeb khincha aur reply dene ke pehle maine ek deep kiss ki uske rasile hontho par.
'yeah.. but i missed you constantly.' -maine usey ek kaatil smile dete hue kaha.
woh kitna lovable ladka hai..
usey dekhte hi mera dil pighalne lagta hai.
'bless you, come I'll get your coffee ready..you are early today so I've not yet prepared' -Ronnie ne muje lead kiya.
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mai uske pichhe pichhe andar gaya.
Maine dekha ke uski house-keeping perfect thi.
har room puuri tarah saaf-suthra aur sajaya hua tha.
totally spotless..!
woh ek perfect boy-friend hai..
bhagwaan se mai iisse jyada kuch nahi maang pata, jo ke usne muje bin-maange hi de diya hai.
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'thank you' -uski kamar par apna haath lapet kar uske gaal par ek aur kiss chipka kar
mai uske kaano mein fusfusaya.
uske badan ki khusbu mere naak me bhar gayi aur muje deewana banati gayi.
coffee ka glass aur sandwich ki plate ke saath ham living room mein aaye.
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Jaise ham baithe toh maine dekha ke woh kuch nervous sa lag rha hai.
'everything ok..?' -maine puchha
'yeah..' -thoda hesitantly woh bola.
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Roniie shayad thoda sa guilty feel kar rha tha- 'would you mind if i visit my dad's place for a while..? He wants me to set up the internet connection for him. It won't take more than a couple of hours.'
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uski iis masuumiyat par hans dene se mai apne aap ko rok nahi paya.
Muje chhor kar bahar kahi jaane mein usey kaafi bura lagta hai, chaahe woh uske dad ka ghar hi kyu na ho.
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'I always tell u Ronnie, you don't need my permission, I don't mind at all."
'sorry..' -woh sharma kar bola.
jab woh sharmata hai, toh aur bhi lovable lagta hai muje.
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'This coffee tastes great, by the way..' maine ek smile dete hue kaha.
usne sharmana jaari rakhte hue muje smile-back kiya.
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Jab bhi mai usey compliment deta hu toh woh kaafi uncomfortable feel karta hai.
woh kaafi insecure feel karta hai, jis se mai kaafi taajjub hota hu.
woh itna good-looking, dashing aur bloody-perfect ladka hai, toh usey koi wajah nahi hai itna insecure feel karne ki.
na maan'ne ki hadd tak woh generous, caring aur humourous banda hai.
agar woh chahta, toh literally bahar ja kar jisey chaahe usey pa sakta hai.
koi andha aur beokuuf hi hoga jo uski iis qualities ko appreciate na kar paaye
I felt like the luckiest man alive, to have him in my life.
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Jaise hi maine apni coffee khatm ki, usne plate aur glass utha kar kitchen mein gaya.
mai uske pichhe gaya.
woh sab crockery wash karta tha
toh mai us'se pichche se lipat kar uski gardan mein kiss dete dete uske baalo ki scent ka maza leta rha.
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'I'm going Nikhil..' -usne softly kaha- 'it shouldn't take too long..'
'ok babe..' -usey ulta ghumate hue maine kaha, taake mai usey tightly hug kar paau.
'I need to go, Nikhil..' -usne halke se apne aap ko chhurate hue kaha.
.
( 'but i am horny now..' -muje kehna tha.. magar mai keh nahi paya.)
'I love u so much..' -maine yehi kaha..
'love you too, Nikhil, more than myself..morethan anything.'
.
.
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woh apne shoes pehanta raha, tab tak mai apne fon-book ki list tatolta raha,
ke kaun sa banda aa sakta hai abhi, yaha..
jald hi..
immediately..
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iis 2 ghante ka waqt jo muje mil raha hai, uus darmyaan mai jo sex-encounter kar paunga woh kaafi electrifying hoga, I'm sure..!
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'see you soon..' -keh kar Ronnie chala gaya
aur mai concentrate karne laga apni fon-book par.
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Akhtar..?
no, he is out of city for at least 2 months.
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Chintu..?
never again, uske saath ek baar karo, toh woh hafta 2 hafta tak chipka hua rehta hai, 'i love u' kehte hue, fon ke thru aur sms ke thru.
and i can't let this happen..quite risky.
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Mayank..?
yeah..let me call him..
but wait.. woh toh abhi office mein hoga.. it's still quite early..
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Aasif..?
yes, perfect..!
woh tattoo-artist hai, aur apne studio mein hi hoga abhi.
week days mein iis waqt jyada client nahi hotey toh woh free hoga iis waqt.
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maine usey call kiya..
aur woh aa gaya..just in 10mins..
in the meanwhile, mai apni bike ke tool-box se condom ka pack le kar aaya.
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Aasif meri hi umar ka hai..
aur meri hi tarah mardana aur muscular banda hai, jo ke mere taste se kuch kuch match nahi karta..
but still yaar, he is quite handsome..
so no problm..
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Aatey hi, usne muje apni aur khinch aur mere muuh par ek zordaar kiss kari.
'chal, upar bedroom mein chalte hai..' -mai usey hamare, mere aur Ronnie ke, bedroom mein le jaate hue kaha.
.
.
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Aasif ke saath sex karte karte mai itna kho gaya, ke aas-paas ka kuch pata hi nahi rha.
yahaa tak, ke kisi ne halke se bedroom ka darwaaza khola iis baat ka bhi andaza nahi laga.
halki si aahat ko suun kar mai pichhey ghuma, yeh dekhne ke liye ke kaun hai waha..
aur jo maine dekha uske liye mai bilkul prepared nahi tha.
bilkul hi nahi...
kisi ki bhi aankho mein maine, kabhi bhi.. itna dard nahi dekha tha
I was froze when i saw Ronnie standing there.
His expression looked full of inconsolable hurt.
He looked utterly devastated, with tears streaming down his face.
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Yeh dekh kar mere siney mein gazab ki pain uthne lagi..maano chhuri chali gayi ho andar.
What the fuck have i done..!
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Vikcy ek teer ki tarah wahaa se bahar bhaaga..
fauran maine apni trousers pehan li, uske pichhe daudne se pehle..
mera dil kaafi zor zor se dhadakne laga tha.
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'Ronnie..' -meri aawaz mere gale mein hi atak ke reh gayi, jab maine usey ghar ke main door se bahar jaate hue dekha.
mai sadak tak uskey pichey dauda usey pakad kar rokne ke liye..
magar mai waisa karu us'se pehle toh woh apni car mein baith chuka tha aur doors lock kar diye thhe.
Fuck..!
He was out of reach..!
'Ronnie, please..!' -I begged while hitting the door-window- 'Ronnie..!'
He can't leave.
We need to talk about this.
There's no way, he can leave..!
jab usne car start ki tab mai uska chehra dekh nahi paya
aur na hi mai uska woh dard-bhara chehra dekhn chahta tha..
I couldn't stand the sight of the pain, that was clearly written all-over his face.
I continued to shout his name
magar woh speedily drive karta hua nikal liya.
.
mai apne baal khinchta raha..by way of frustration
meri aankho se ashq chhalak padey.
mera badan kaampne laga.
guilt aur regret meri nas-nas mein bhar gaye, jo dard bann kar mere khoon mein daudne lage.
How the fuck I have allowed myself hurt Ronnie, like that?
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Mai ghar ke andar gaya tab Aasif bedroom se niche aa rha tha
maine uski aur gussey se dekha.
woh meri bagal se, kaafi karib se guzar gaya, bina kuch bole.
mai jaanta tha, uska koi fault nahi hai, magar muje uus par gussa aa rha tha, bina-wajah.
kya karu, kuch samaz mein nahi aa rha tha.
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I felt terrified at the thought of losing Ronnie.
Ronnie meri zindagi ki behtarin asset hai.
Suddenly, I couldn't see why I'd ever risked in damaging our relationship.
Maine apna fon bahar nikal kar Ronnie ko call karne ki try ki.
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But there was no answer.
aur kamse kam seven times maine try ki
aur fir..
fon patak diya.
.
fir Living room mein ja kar sofa par ludhak gaya, haatho mein apna chehra ghusa kar.
Bhigi hui annkho ke saath mai bahaane dhuundne laga, jis'se mai Ronnie ko convince kar saku.
Magar usne jo dekha hai abhi abhi, uski takkar ka koi bahana nahi mil pa rha tha.
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Fir bhi muje koi toh aisa raasta dhundna padega, jis'se mai apne Ronnie ko apne paas rakh saku.
woh muje chhor kar gaya hai, muje ab pyar nahi karta hai aur na hi mujse baat karna chahta hai, -yeh sab soch kar muje saanse lene mein bhi ab dikkat hone lagi.
.
No, I will not let this happen.
I want to have my Ronnie back..
Back with me once again.. (Contd..)
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