Ronnie ke saath raatbhar tuut kar pyaar karne ke baad, subah jab ham relaxed mood mein leite thhe,
tab..
usne fir se wohi baat chhedi, ke usey mai baar cheat kiya hu toh uske pichhe koi to reason hogi..
.
He was right..!
koi toh wajah thi hi na..!
.
Ham dono ne apne aap ko khiinch kar ek duje se alag kar diya..
aur fir sidhey, peeth ke bal leit kar, ceiling ki aur taakne lage.
.
Yes, muje Ronnie ke saath be-rehmi ki hadd tak honest hona padega.
sach chaahe jitna bhi kadua ho, uske saamne ek dawa ki tarah rakhna hi hoga..
juuth ke mithe zehar se toh, hamare reletionship ki yeh prem-lata murjaane lagi thi.
Agar hamare iis rishte ko fuulna-falna hai..
toh ab muje puuri imaandari ke saath us'se baat karni hogi.
.
Dard se vichaleet mera gala, muje bolne ki manjuuri de, us'se pehle maine apni aankhe muund li.
So, here it goes...
.
"I wish you could move on from Rocky." -maine itni tezi se yeh baat keh di, maano uske dil par se koi band-aid ki patti ukhaad raha tha- "I wish you had more confidence. And..and I wish you weren't so perfect..."
maine ek gehri saans li, fir muud kar uski aur dekha.
Woh chhatt ki taraf taake raha, uski aankho mein nami chhane lagi thi- "And.. I wish we could just go back in past-time, and have fun together like we used to Ronnie, before Rocky died."
.
Meri chhati ko aur vazandaar banaate hue Ronnie ne apni aankhe muund li.
Mere galey mein atka hua woh lump aur bhi bada hota chala, jisey mai bahar nikal fenkna chahta tha.
Ronnie ko itna hurt karte hue kitna awful feel kar raha tha mai.
.
"I know you're right." -Ronnie bola.
Uski aawaaz galey ki kharaash ki wajah se tuutne lagi thi,
Uska nichla honth kaampne laga tha- "I just...can't seem to let go..I know Nikhil, I've been pushing you away. But I would give anything to know why Rocky did it...why he left me.."
.
"I wish I could help you." -ab meri bhi aawaaz tuutne lagi thi- "I've really tried to help you."
Maine ek laaambi saans chhori. Ronnie ko dilasa dene ki kit-kitni baar maine koshish kari thi, woh baat mere zehan mein fir se ubharne lagi- "Ronnie, I cheat..I cheat because I crave some excitement. I know it sounds awful, but our home life has gotten so draining. You know, trying to comfort someone who cannot be comforted...it's heartbreaking, it's exhausting."
.
"I'm sorry," -mera haath zoro se pakadte hue Ronnie ro pada.
.
"I feel so guilty saying these things," -I said quietly- "Because I know you're amazing. I know it's not your fault. You are down. and you lack confidence. But I miss how you used to be..so much."
.
"Before Rocky died, did you ever cheat then..?" -apne hi khayaalo mein khoya hua Ronnie puuch baitha.
.
Mera saara badan tangg ho gaya.
iis liye nahi ke mai guilty feel kar raha tha, magar iis liye kyo ke tabhi muje Rocky ke saath wali conversation yaad aa gayi.
Aur yaad aa gayi uski woh koshish mere saath ishq ladane ki, muje kiss karne ki.
.
kya iisey yeh sab kehna chahiye..?
Mera gala aur mera muuh sukha padne laga.
Baat karne ke liye muje apni zubaan hilane mein taqleef hone lagi.
.
"Yup, three times.." -maine itna dhime kaha ke usey sun'ne mein bhi na aaye.
Maine Ronnie ki siski suuni..jiski awaaz mere dil mein khanzar chubho diya.
.
"Why..?" -He wept.
.
"Remember when you worked at that bar..?" -abmere bhi aansu ab behne lage thhe- "And you were getting a really hard time there..? You were so down. Even depressed at one point. You wouldn't even let me touch you. I know it was difficult for you, getting harassed by a bunch of pervy strangers. But I told you to not go back to work in that beer-bar. I told you, but you wouldn't leave that place. You were determined to bring some extra income to our house. But that had changed you..you know that..?"
.
"hmmm..so you cheated..!" -Uski yeh statement, uske conclusion ki tarah lag rahi thi.
.
"I'm not proud of what I did Ronnie." -maine ekdam humble ton mein kaha- "I know it's incredibly wrong. I dealt with the things in such a stupid, stupid way. I should have talked to you. Not tried to get excitement from other men, and still expecting to get everything else from you."
.
"How are we supposed to get back together..?" -Ronnie ki siskiya badhne lagi- "Bcoz everytime I'm down, I'm upset, you'll just go off and cheat. Won't you..?. Whenever things get tough, you'll go elsewhere.."
.
maine jhatke ke saath uski aur karwat li.
Ek haath se uske gaalo ko pakda aur usey meri taraf dekhne ko majbuur kiya.
Uski khubsurat aankho mein dard bhara hua tha..itna dard jo meri bardasht ki hadd se kai jyada tha.
.
"I swear I will never cheat again. If things get tough, we'll work on it. I won't stray ever again. I promise. Please believe me Ronnie, I love you so much." -meri aankho ke aansu meri aawaz ko bahar aane nahi dete thhe..magar fir bhi mai kehta gaya.
.
Mera sina bhaari aur halka ek saath lagne laga, jab Ronnie ne achanak apni baanhe meri aaspas lapet di.
Meri gardan mein apna chehra gaad kar, dhimi dhimi siskiyaa lete hue muje tightly hug karne laga.
.
Maine usey aise zoro se jakad liya jaise ke meri life uus par depend kar rahi ho.
Uske baalo ko chumbano se nehlaane laga.
Meri naak aur aankhe eksaath beh rahi thi par muje koi parwaah nahi thi.
.
"Ronnie, we can do this. We can get through this. Please... " -I wept.
mai chahta tha ke woh muje ek chance de.
mai usey kisi bhi kimmat par khona nahi chahta tha.
.
"I really want us to. Nikhil, I really want to believe you." -Bhaari aur bhari hui aawaz mein woh bola.
.
Mai us'sey thoda duur hatt gaya, ta ke usey mai dekh saku.
"Cheating on you was the worst mistake of my life. I'll never forgive myself for hurting you, betraying you. But..but I can't ask for you back, until I've been completely honest with you." -maine himmat batorte hue kaha.
.
Ronnie ne chaunk kar muje dekha.
Uski aankhe chaudi hoti chali maano woh taiyaar kar raha tha apne aap ko, woh suune ke liye jis ka usey kuch andesa ho gaya tha.
.
"Ronnie, I...I...Rocky.."
.
"You've slept with Rocky..?" -kuch chilla kar kehte hue woh mujse alag ho gaya
Maine usey fir pakad kar apne saath jakad liya.
.
"No Ronnie, of course not.." -maine shaant aawaz mein kaha- "He just tried it on.. we, kissed." -maine apni thhuk gale ke niche utaarte hue kaha- "I was drunk, otherwise that wouldn't have happened, I swear."
.
mujse muuh ferte hue Ronnie dusri aur dekhne laga.
usne apna chehra cover kar liya tha.
uske ashq aur tezi se behne lage thhe.
.
mere dil mein ek tez tarrar dard uuth raha tha.
Mai maan nahi sakta tha ke mai usey kitni baar hurt karta raha hu.
So many times I have made him cry.
.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." -maine uski baanh pakadte hue kaha.
.
"I, I thought, I thought he was lying. I thought he had made up a story." -Ronnie sisikiyo ke beech itna hi bol paya
.
Mai thamm gaya. Meri saans maano ruuk gayi.
"What..?" -mai haklaate hue bol utha.
.
"He..he told me once when we both were drunk, that he tried it on with you. That he tried to get you into bed, but you turned him down. You pushed him away when he kissed you, and u told him that you loved me." -Ronnie ne mushkil se nikalti hui aawaz mein apni sentence puuri ki aur fir aage bola- "I thought he had just said those things to upset me, bcoz it was during a fight over the table. I didn't even believe it was true. I..I hardly knew that he was a gay"
.
ab meri aankho ke saath saath mera gala bhi sukhne laga tha.
Mera muuh Ronnie ki baat ko hazam na kar paane ki wajah se khulla ka khula hi reh gaya.
.
"Are you serious..? All this time you've known..? You've known all this ..?" - maine ek sharp ton mein apni sentence puuri ki. Gussey ki ek lehar mere andar daud gayi.
Maine ab kuch tann kar Ronnie ki kalaai pakad li thi.
Itne dino, mai hardam guilty feel kiye raha, apne aap se nafrat karta raha ke maine Ronnie se Rocky ki baat chhupaye rakhi thi.
magar..
magar woh toh yeh baat already jaanta tha.
.
Mai bistar se kuud kar bahar aa gaya aur jald se apni track-pant pehan'ne laga.
.
"What's wrong? Why are you mad at me?" -Ronnie ne halke se puccha.
uski siskiya ab bandh none lagi thi.
.
zip ke upar jarurat se jyada zor laga kar, apni pant ko pehante hue, maine uski aur dekhna avoid kiya.
"You have no idea how much that has eaten me away" -maine uttejit hokar kaha- "I was scared of ruining you and your brother's relationship. But you already knew what he did, and just didn't cared about it, at all. yaar, I've been simply tormented for nothing..!"
.
"Even you didn't tell me..!" Ronnie ne bhi kuch zor se reply back kiya..woh bhi bistar se uuth khada hua aur apni pant pehan'ne laga- "I never asked you about it, because I trusted you..! How fucking stupid I am, eh..!"
.
Mai ruuk gaya, Ronnie ki aur peeth kar ke deewar ki aur taakta hua.
A deep sigh exhaled from my painfully tight lungs.
Muje Ronnie par gussa nahi hona chahiye tha.
Ronnie ne ek secret rakkha, toh maine bhi toh rakha tha..kai ek secrets rakhe thhe.
Rocky ke maut ke baad, kaafi dardnaak tha iis baat ko jhelna, ke mai aisi koi baat jaanta hu, jo Ronnie nahi jaanta. Aur fir yeh sochna, ke yeh baat agar saamne aa gayi, toh Rocky ki jo bhi memories thi Ronnie ke mann mein, woh sab damage ho jayegi.
.
"I'm sorry." -meri aawaz dhimi padd gayi- "I know I have no right to be pissed about this. But it's just been tearing my insides since he died. I was scared of telling you. You looked up to him so much. I couldn't risk damaging your memory of him."
.
"But what about, before Rocky died..? What was your reason for not telling it to me before his death..?"
.
Ronnie ka yeh cross-examination wala attitude mere chehre par muskurahat laane ki koshish karne laga.
Aise attitude dikhate waqt Ronnie ekdam cute lagta hai. Muje pichhe muud kar Ronnie ko ek nazar dekh lene ki ichcha hui..magar mai waise hi muh fer kar khada raha.
"You adored him Ronnie..u admired him and I didn't want to hurt you. To ruin the bond you had with him." -sar niche jhukaye rakh kar maine dhire se kaha.
.
Tab Ronnie ne picche se mere aaspaas apni baanhe faila di.
Uski aagosh mein jaane se pehle ek pal ke liye hichkichaya.
Mere kandho ki haddi par usne apna gaal tek diya.
Maine apna sar pichhe dhaal diya, uski kuch aur nazdiki paane ke liye.
.
.
Hamne dono ne ek aah bhari.
Mere nange peit par rakhe hue uske haath par maine apna haath rakha.
sachmuuch, uska haath kaafi narm aur garm aanch se bharpuur hua tha.
.
"I really want us to try again. Nikhil. But I need your word. I need your word that you'll never keep anything from me again. If I'm pushing you away, tell me. Please.. please tell me, Nikhil.." -meri peeth par apne hoth halke se dabane se pehle Ronnie fufusaya.
.
Uske iin alfaazo ki taan par mera dil aflatoon naach karne laga
aur uski iis kiss ne mere peit mein titliyo si lehar paida kar di.
"On my life Ronnie, on my life."" -kehte hue meri aankh se ek katra ashq ka chhalak pada.. (contd...)
.
==================================
tab..
usne fir se wohi baat chhedi, ke usey mai baar cheat kiya hu toh uske pichhe koi to reason hogi..
.
He was right..!
koi toh wajah thi hi na..!
.
Ham dono ne apne aap ko khiinch kar ek duje se alag kar diya..
aur fir sidhey, peeth ke bal leit kar, ceiling ki aur taakne lage.
.
Yes, muje Ronnie ke saath be-rehmi ki hadd tak honest hona padega.
sach chaahe jitna bhi kadua ho, uske saamne ek dawa ki tarah rakhna hi hoga..
juuth ke mithe zehar se toh, hamare reletionship ki yeh prem-lata murjaane lagi thi.
Agar hamare iis rishte ko fuulna-falna hai..
toh ab muje puuri imaandari ke saath us'se baat karni hogi.
.
Dard se vichaleet mera gala, muje bolne ki manjuuri de, us'se pehle maine apni aankhe muund li.
So, here it goes...
.
"I wish you could move on from Rocky." -maine itni tezi se yeh baat keh di, maano uske dil par se koi band-aid ki patti ukhaad raha tha- "I wish you had more confidence. And..and I wish you weren't so perfect..."
maine ek gehri saans li, fir muud kar uski aur dekha.
Woh chhatt ki taraf taake raha, uski aankho mein nami chhane lagi thi- "And.. I wish we could just go back in past-time, and have fun together like we used to Ronnie, before Rocky died."
.
Meri chhati ko aur vazandaar banaate hue Ronnie ne apni aankhe muund li.
Mere galey mein atka hua woh lump aur bhi bada hota chala, jisey mai bahar nikal fenkna chahta tha.
Ronnie ko itna hurt karte hue kitna awful feel kar raha tha mai.
.
"I know you're right." -Ronnie bola.
Uski aawaaz galey ki kharaash ki wajah se tuutne lagi thi,
Uska nichla honth kaampne laga tha- "I just...can't seem to let go..I know Nikhil, I've been pushing you away. But I would give anything to know why Rocky did it...why he left me.."
.
"I wish I could help you." -ab meri bhi aawaaz tuutne lagi thi- "I've really tried to help you."
Maine ek laaambi saans chhori. Ronnie ko dilasa dene ki kit-kitni baar maine koshish kari thi, woh baat mere zehan mein fir se ubharne lagi- "Ronnie, I cheat..I cheat because I crave some excitement. I know it sounds awful, but our home life has gotten so draining. You know, trying to comfort someone who cannot be comforted...it's heartbreaking, it's exhausting."
.
"I'm sorry," -mera haath zoro se pakadte hue Ronnie ro pada.
.
"I feel so guilty saying these things," -I said quietly- "Because I know you're amazing. I know it's not your fault. You are down. and you lack confidence. But I miss how you used to be..so much."
.
"Before Rocky died, did you ever cheat then..?" -apne hi khayaalo mein khoya hua Ronnie puuch baitha.
.
Mera saara badan tangg ho gaya.
iis liye nahi ke mai guilty feel kar raha tha, magar iis liye kyo ke tabhi muje Rocky ke saath wali conversation yaad aa gayi.
Aur yaad aa gayi uski woh koshish mere saath ishq ladane ki, muje kiss karne ki.
.
kya iisey yeh sab kehna chahiye..?
Mera gala aur mera muuh sukha padne laga.
Baat karne ke liye muje apni zubaan hilane mein taqleef hone lagi.
.
"Yup, three times.." -maine itna dhime kaha ke usey sun'ne mein bhi na aaye.
Maine Ronnie ki siski suuni..jiski awaaz mere dil mein khanzar chubho diya.
.
"Why..?" -He wept.
.
"Remember when you worked at that bar..?" -abmere bhi aansu ab behne lage thhe- "And you were getting a really hard time there..? You were so down. Even depressed at one point. You wouldn't even let me touch you. I know it was difficult for you, getting harassed by a bunch of pervy strangers. But I told you to not go back to work in that beer-bar. I told you, but you wouldn't leave that place. You were determined to bring some extra income to our house. But that had changed you..you know that..?"
.
"hmmm..so you cheated..!" -Uski yeh statement, uske conclusion ki tarah lag rahi thi.
.
"I'm not proud of what I did Ronnie." -maine ekdam humble ton mein kaha- "I know it's incredibly wrong. I dealt with the things in such a stupid, stupid way. I should have talked to you. Not tried to get excitement from other men, and still expecting to get everything else from you."
.
"How are we supposed to get back together..?" -Ronnie ki siskiya badhne lagi- "Bcoz everytime I'm down, I'm upset, you'll just go off and cheat. Won't you..?. Whenever things get tough, you'll go elsewhere.."
.
maine jhatke ke saath uski aur karwat li.
Ek haath se uske gaalo ko pakda aur usey meri taraf dekhne ko majbuur kiya.
Uski khubsurat aankho mein dard bhara hua tha..itna dard jo meri bardasht ki hadd se kai jyada tha.
.
"I swear I will never cheat again. If things get tough, we'll work on it. I won't stray ever again. I promise. Please believe me Ronnie, I love you so much." -meri aankho ke aansu meri aawaz ko bahar aane nahi dete thhe..magar fir bhi mai kehta gaya.
.
Mera sina bhaari aur halka ek saath lagne laga, jab Ronnie ne achanak apni baanhe meri aaspas lapet di.
Meri gardan mein apna chehra gaad kar, dhimi dhimi siskiyaa lete hue muje tightly hug karne laga.
.
Maine usey aise zoro se jakad liya jaise ke meri life uus par depend kar rahi ho.
Uske baalo ko chumbano se nehlaane laga.
Meri naak aur aankhe eksaath beh rahi thi par muje koi parwaah nahi thi.
.
"Ronnie, we can do this. We can get through this. Please... " -I wept.
mai chahta tha ke woh muje ek chance de.
mai usey kisi bhi kimmat par khona nahi chahta tha.
.
"I really want us to. Nikhil, I really want to believe you." -Bhaari aur bhari hui aawaz mein woh bola.
.
Mai us'sey thoda duur hatt gaya, ta ke usey mai dekh saku.
"Cheating on you was the worst mistake of my life. I'll never forgive myself for hurting you, betraying you. But..but I can't ask for you back, until I've been completely honest with you." -maine himmat batorte hue kaha.
.
Ronnie ne chaunk kar muje dekha.
Uski aankhe chaudi hoti chali maano woh taiyaar kar raha tha apne aap ko, woh suune ke liye jis ka usey kuch andesa ho gaya tha.
.
"Ronnie, I...I...Rocky.."
.
"You've slept with Rocky..?" -kuch chilla kar kehte hue woh mujse alag ho gaya
Maine usey fir pakad kar apne saath jakad liya.
.
"No Ronnie, of course not.." -maine shaant aawaz mein kaha- "He just tried it on.. we, kissed." -maine apni thhuk gale ke niche utaarte hue kaha- "I was drunk, otherwise that wouldn't have happened, I swear."
.
mujse muuh ferte hue Ronnie dusri aur dekhne laga.
usne apna chehra cover kar liya tha.
uske ashq aur tezi se behne lage thhe.
.
mere dil mein ek tez tarrar dard uuth raha tha.
Mai maan nahi sakta tha ke mai usey kitni baar hurt karta raha hu.
So many times I have made him cry.
.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." -maine uski baanh pakadte hue kaha.
.
"I, I thought, I thought he was lying. I thought he had made up a story." -Ronnie sisikiyo ke beech itna hi bol paya
.
Mai thamm gaya. Meri saans maano ruuk gayi.
"What..?" -mai haklaate hue bol utha.
.
"He..he told me once when we both were drunk, that he tried it on with you. That he tried to get you into bed, but you turned him down. You pushed him away when he kissed you, and u told him that you loved me." -Ronnie ne mushkil se nikalti hui aawaz mein apni sentence puuri ki aur fir aage bola- "I thought he had just said those things to upset me, bcoz it was during a fight over the table. I didn't even believe it was true. I..I hardly knew that he was a gay"
.
ab meri aankho ke saath saath mera gala bhi sukhne laga tha.
Mera muuh Ronnie ki baat ko hazam na kar paane ki wajah se khulla ka khula hi reh gaya.
.
"Are you serious..? All this time you've known..? You've known all this ..?" - maine ek sharp ton mein apni sentence puuri ki. Gussey ki ek lehar mere andar daud gayi.
Maine ab kuch tann kar Ronnie ki kalaai pakad li thi.
Itne dino, mai hardam guilty feel kiye raha, apne aap se nafrat karta raha ke maine Ronnie se Rocky ki baat chhupaye rakhi thi.
magar..
magar woh toh yeh baat already jaanta tha.
.
Mai bistar se kuud kar bahar aa gaya aur jald se apni track-pant pehan'ne laga.
.
"What's wrong? Why are you mad at me?" -Ronnie ne halke se puccha.
uski siskiya ab bandh none lagi thi.
.
zip ke upar jarurat se jyada zor laga kar, apni pant ko pehante hue, maine uski aur dekhna avoid kiya.
"You have no idea how much that has eaten me away" -maine uttejit hokar kaha- "I was scared of ruining you and your brother's relationship. But you already knew what he did, and just didn't cared about it, at all. yaar, I've been simply tormented for nothing..!"
.
"Even you didn't tell me..!" Ronnie ne bhi kuch zor se reply back kiya..woh bhi bistar se uuth khada hua aur apni pant pehan'ne laga- "I never asked you about it, because I trusted you..! How fucking stupid I am, eh..!"
.
Mai ruuk gaya, Ronnie ki aur peeth kar ke deewar ki aur taakta hua.
A deep sigh exhaled from my painfully tight lungs.
Muje Ronnie par gussa nahi hona chahiye tha.
Ronnie ne ek secret rakkha, toh maine bhi toh rakha tha..kai ek secrets rakhe thhe.
Rocky ke maut ke baad, kaafi dardnaak tha iis baat ko jhelna, ke mai aisi koi baat jaanta hu, jo Ronnie nahi jaanta. Aur fir yeh sochna, ke yeh baat agar saamne aa gayi, toh Rocky ki jo bhi memories thi Ronnie ke mann mein, woh sab damage ho jayegi.
.
"I'm sorry." -meri aawaz dhimi padd gayi- "I know I have no right to be pissed about this. But it's just been tearing my insides since he died. I was scared of telling you. You looked up to him so much. I couldn't risk damaging your memory of him."
.
"But what about, before Rocky died..? What was your reason for not telling it to me before his death..?"
.
Ronnie ka yeh cross-examination wala attitude mere chehre par muskurahat laane ki koshish karne laga.
Aise attitude dikhate waqt Ronnie ekdam cute lagta hai. Muje pichhe muud kar Ronnie ko ek nazar dekh lene ki ichcha hui..magar mai waise hi muh fer kar khada raha.
"You adored him Ronnie..u admired him and I didn't want to hurt you. To ruin the bond you had with him." -sar niche jhukaye rakh kar maine dhire se kaha.
.
Tab Ronnie ne picche se mere aaspaas apni baanhe faila di.
Uski aagosh mein jaane se pehle ek pal ke liye hichkichaya.
Mere kandho ki haddi par usne apna gaal tek diya.
Maine apna sar pichhe dhaal diya, uski kuch aur nazdiki paane ke liye.
.
.
Hamne dono ne ek aah bhari.
Mere nange peit par rakhe hue uske haath par maine apna haath rakha.
sachmuuch, uska haath kaafi narm aur garm aanch se bharpuur hua tha.
.
"I really want us to try again. Nikhil. But I need your word. I need your word that you'll never keep anything from me again. If I'm pushing you away, tell me. Please.. please tell me, Nikhil.." -meri peeth par apne hoth halke se dabane se pehle Ronnie fufusaya.
.
Uske iin alfaazo ki taan par mera dil aflatoon naach karne laga
aur uski iis kiss ne mere peit mein titliyo si lehar paida kar di.
"On my life Ronnie, on my life."" -kehte hue meri aankh se ek katra ashq ka chhalak pada.. (contd...)
.
==================================
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