"What do you love about Ronnie?" -Soloman ke aise direct sawaal ne muje achraj mein dubo diya.
Mai aur Soloman bahar living room mein baith kar coffee ki sip le rahe thhe.Tab usne yeh sawaal uthaya.
.
.
Kisi bahut badi misunderstanding ke chalte, maine Soloman ke saath aisa suluk kiya tha jis ki wajah se woh muje itni jaldi maaf nahi karta.
Magar apni galti ko realize karte hi maine usey sms kiya aur usey sorry kaha.
Usne bhi bada dil rakhte hue muje forgive kar diya.
.Pichhle 2 dino se mera chehra aur mera mood meri life mein chal rahe mushkil waqt ki Soloman ko gawahi dete thhe,
and apart from that,
Ronnie ka naam suun kar mera apne aape se baahar chale jaana..
.
Soloman ko ab do aur do chaar karne mein der nahi lagegi woh mai samaj gaya tha,
toh uske aage ab bina kuch chhupaaye apna masla pesh karne ka maine tay kar liya tha.
.
.
Uske aate hi fir se maine ek baar aur maafi maang li
fir ham dono living room mein relax ho kar baithe
aur cofee ka bada sa mug uske haath mein thama kar maine usey sab bata diya.. sab kuchh.
Mai khud bhi apni honesty se hairaan reh gaya ke maine us'se kuch nahi chhupaya.
Muje ab kaafi halka feel ho raha tha, maano ek boj hatt gaya ho dil par se.
.
Jab maine usey yeh bataya ke mai Woodoo mein anjaan ladko ke saath sex karta raha hu toh uska response yeh tha ke mai condom etc ko lekar careful toh rehta hu ke nahi.
Usne aisa koi remark nahi diya ke mai kitna khudgarz hota chala hu apni relationship mein.
.
Fir maine jab usey bataya ke kaise Ronnie ko sab pata chal gaya aur kaise hamdono ke beech kya kya ho raha hai, toh usne muje yeh sawaal kar ke acharaj mein daal diya ke-"What do you love about Ronnie?"
.
"Everything," -mere muuh se nikal gaya.
sahi mein muje koi fault nazar hi nahi aa raha tha Ronnie mein.
Sab kuch perfect tha uska. uska dil, uska jism, uski khubsurati, uski smile..
.
"You say everything, -Soloman ne mere nazdik aate aate pucha- but then..surely you can't have done this all things. Surely your relationship must have missed something.. Or he must be having a fault or two, that must have bothered to you.."
.
Uski iis baat ko thoda sa khayaal dete hue maine apni aankhe bandh kar li, ke achanak..
I froze..
Soloman ne apne honth, mere hontho par daba liye thhe.
.
.
.
.
(Ronnie ka Khayalaat)
Nikkil se duur bhag kar mai sidha apni car mein baith kar tezi se nikal gaya.
Meri aankhe se mere aansu ek pal bhi ruukne ka naam nahi lete thhe.
Magar abki baar uski wajah alag thi.
I was angry on my self for getting physically closed with Nikhil, for kissing him so intensely.
Chaahe mai kitna bhi uska pyaar paane ko desperate kyo na tha, magar muje iis tarah se apne aap ko uske hawaale nahi kar dena chaiye tha.
Ab muje lagne laga ke maine apne aap ko kitna cheap, kitna sasta bana diya tha uun kuch palo ke liye.
Mai nahi chahta ke Nikhil ko aisa lage ke usne muje fir se haansil kar liya hai.
Ab aage usey jyada koshish karne ki jarurat nahi hai waisi feeling uske dil mein nahi laani hai muje. Woh itna jaldi kaise maan'ne lage ke maine usey forgive kar diya hai.
Nahi.. kabhi nahi..
Woh mere pyar, meri devotion, meri loyalty ke laayak nahi hai. bilkul hi nahi.
I had given him everything I could; emotionally, financially,..just everything.
And for what..? For him to throw it in my face by cheating me..? hurting me..? sleeping around as if I was of no value to him?
there is no doubt, ke mai usey ek beokuuf ki tarah pyaar karta raha hu aur seriously muje uski jarurat hai..
magar fir bhi, fil haal toh mera gussa bilkul kam nahi hua hai.
.
yaha waha mai koi bhi direction mein drive karta raha.
Kaha jaau kuch samaj mein nahi aa raha tha.
Koi bhi jagah aisi nazar nahi aa rahi hai, jaha muje thoda sa bhi sukun mil paaye, meri family, mere friends.. kahi nahi jana muje,
ab ki baar toh Rocky ke paas ja kar roney se bhi kuch tasalli nahi milne waali.
.
Rocky ke saamne ja kar baithne se toh meri yaado ka dariya fir se umadne waala hai.
aisi dardnaak yaadein jo meri himmat meri taaqat ko khatm kar dene ke kaabil hai...
Kitne saare anginat sawaal khade kar ke woh muj se bichhad kar iis duniya se chala gaya hai.
Rocky ko kya dard khaye ja raha tha?
Usne aisa kyo kiya..?
aisa aakhri kadam kyo uthaya usne?
Mai Rocky se bahut bahut pyar karta tha, aur ab bhi karta hu, magar mai usey bhi maaf nahi karnewala muje iis tarah akela chhor jaane ke liye.
uski maut ke baad uske har dost, har jaan-pahechan waalo se maine kitni puch-taach ki thi ke usey kis baat ki depression aa gayi thi.
Magar koi kuch nahi bata saka tha. Usne kabhi apna dil kisi ke saamne khola nahi tha, shayad.
Kitna tadpa hoga woh andar hi andar.. uska wohi dard uski jaan lekar hi raha aakhir.
Woh apni sexuality ko lekar khush tha,
apne job se koi problem nahi thi.
kitne saare dost thhe
aur family mein bhi woh ham sabse kitna close tha, dad se, mujse, Richie se..
ham mein se kisi ko kuch nahi bata saka woh..? kyo..?
.
Jab yeh sab khyaal tadpa tadpa kar meri raato ki neend uuda kar muje bich raat mein jaga dete thhe, muje rota tadapta kar de utne zulm sehta tha mai, tab Nikhil mere saath hi tha, hardam.
.
Ek wohi tha, jo muje hausla deta tha, aise situations ka saamna karne ki shakti wohi de pata tha muje.
sirf uski maujudgi ek aisi chattaan bann jaati thi jis'se takra kar Rockie ki yaad ki har lehar tuut kar chhur ho jaati thi.
Mere dad, aur Richie dono bhi thhe mere saath, magar woh dono bhi kaafi tuut chuke thhe toh muje kaise samhalte woh.
tab muje kisi dusre taqatwar insaan ki jarurat thi. Aur woh dusra taaqatwar insaan bana Nikhil.
Woh muje push kar ke aage dhakelta tha, uun baato ka saamna karne ke liye jo ab haqikat bann chuki thi aur kabhi badalne waali baat nahi thi.
Usne muje andhere se bahar nikala aur fir se jine ki raah dikhaayi iin 2 saalo mein, warna mai toh duniye ke sabhi darwaaze bandh kar ke akele hi ghhunt kar marne ki kismat likha kar aaya tha.
Rocky ke sabse karib hone ke naate, muje aisa lagne laga tha ke mera yeh farz tha uske uus dard ko sahi samay par pehchan lene ka, chaahe woh muje kuch kehta ya nahi.
Magar Nikhil muje convince karne mein kaamyaab hua ke agar mai kuch jaan bhi paata toh bhi mai kuch nahi kar paane wala tha. Muje apne aap ko dosh dene ki koi wajah nahi thi, kyo ke Rocky wohi karta jo usko jaruri lagne laga tha.
Magar fir bhi..
kaash mai uske maut ki, uski depression ki wajah jaan pata.
===============
.
.
"What the hell Soloman..!" -mai chilla utha.
apne pairo par khada ho gaya. Coffee ka mug table se girte girte bacha..
.
"What's wrong?" -Soloman asked calmly, while standing up himself- "You want this don't you?"
.
"Want what?" -meri aawaz frustration se kaampne lagi.
.
"Well, me. You want me. don't you?" -mere nazdik fir se aate hue usne kaha.
meri kamar ko pakad kar muje apne nazdeek khiich kar usne muje jakad liya.
.
"Don't do this to me Soloman..." -mai halke se bola,
waise mai kuchh kamzor hota chala tha, uske aage, magar dusre hi pal apne aap ko samhaal liya.
.
Ronnie ne muje cheat karte hue pakda usse pehle agar yeh hota, toh shayad mai Soloman ke hawaale apne aap ko kar deta.. magar ab nahi.
.
Maine usey ek halka sa dhakka diya.
Soloman thoda sa confused hota hua pichhe hatt gaya.
.
"Sorry Soloman, I'm madly in love with Ronnie, and now I'm trying to win him back, I've just been explaining to you before you..tried to kiss me."
.
"If you love Ronnie that much, then seriously yaar, why the hell did you cheat so much..? Ham dono dost hai toh muje yeh kehna nai chaiye, magar tum iis baat se inkaar nai kar sakte ke you've been a complete dick to that poor Ronnie."
.
Apni kiss ke rejection ko Soloman ne kaafi aasaani se digest kar liya tha..
thank god...
.
uski baat pe maine koi reaction nahi di
toh usne fir se apna point rakha- "Tell me why you cheated..?
.
"I think..to get some attention." -maine ek thandi saans chhorte hue kaha.
.
"what..? -usne meri baat ko seriously nahi lete hue fir se pucha.
.
"I know, what I am saying sounds stupid to you, right?"
.
"Well, what's wrong with the attention that Ronnie gives you..? woh tumko attention toh deta hi hoga.."
.
"Ha..! What attention..! He may hug and kiss me some times.. that all but he is NEVER up for anything more than that." -maine ab dil pura kholna chaha- "We 'did' it sometimes, once a week or so, since so many months."
Soloman ki bhanve upar chadd gayi..woh ab iis discussion ko aage le jaana chahta tha.
.
maine apni baat aage badhaayi- "Sorry Soloman, even that is not the main problem for me. woh koi bada problem nai hai mere liye.. jab muje woh sex nai de pata woh time depression ka hota, toh mai sex ki itni less frequency ke saath bhi chala leta. koi jyada problem nahi hai mere ko. I know that sounds awful to you, but then, there has always something wrong with Ronnie. Always kuch na kuch usey problem rehti hi hai..! "
.
"Always..? what's wrong with him always..?
.
"After being together in this house, just within few months he just changed, he got moody easily and became really insecured to such an extend that he was even hesitant to get undressed in front of me..! You understand me..? mere saamne nanga hone mein bhi woh hesitate karne laga.."
.
"yeah.. carry on.."
.
"I'm just not used to that Soloman. And then, It has been even worse after Rocky's death.."
"Rocky..?
"His brother.. Rocky..2 years older than him. They were very close to each other"
"ok.."
"At first this was understandable. But yaar, it's been years now, do saal ho gaye uski maut ko but Ronnie is still cut up. He is very much traumatised by the whole thing. Hardam darra hua sehmai... Always mentally disturbed by the death of Rocky. Arey, sometimes I feel more like a therapist then a boyfriend..yaar."
.
Soloman meri taraf ek-tak nazro se dekhta raha. Kuch kehna chaah raha tha woh, magar kuch na bola.
Bass, dekhta raha meri aur.
"Sorry." -maine fir ek thaki hui saans chhorte hue apne maathe par apna haath fera aur kaha- "I've never, actually said any of that to anyone before, except Rocky anyway."
.
"Rocky..?
.
"To be honest, I don't really like telling people about him" -Rocky ke saath, uske maut ke kuchh arse pehle hue mere ek awkward incident ko yaad karte hue mai bola.
.
"If you feel that way about your relationship with Ronnie, then why don't you speak to him? Why you sleep around with others instead of that ? And besides, you said he is perfect, but it doesn't sound anymore, like you meant it that way..!"
.
"I know it sounds ridiculous, but then.. it gets difficult..day by day.." -maine udaasi se apni baat jaari rakhi.
Jis interest se woh suun raha tha, muje kaafi relief mil rahi thi.
.
"Difficult ..? in which way? -woh puchha
.
"I don't dare to upset him by saying I'm not happy. As it is, he is already broken enough. He is perfect. agar woh insecure aur depressed hai toh It is not his fault, kyo ke when he has a good day, he is the most loving man I've ever met. But most of the times, I feel like I'm living in somebody's shadow..kisi ki parchhai hardam hamare relation ko kaalikh deti rahi hai.."
.
"So you started finding Ronnie elsewhere..?"
.
"yaar, I know I've been a selfish prick to him. But when I first started `playing away' it started with me just going to that bar to flirt, to get some attention, that's all. But then I started actually having sex, and then..it all went out of my control from there. Really.. I swear..!."
.
"You need to tell Ronnie all this." -Soloman softly muje samjaate hue bola. "Nikhil, How can you expect to move forward if you're not honest with him.. ? uus'e baat kiye bina koi solution kaise niklega"
.
"He will laugh on me Soloman..hansega woh muj par, who wouldn't ? it all sounds so stupid."
.
"No Nikhil, it doesn't. Of course it doesn't sound stupid. You can't give that kind of support to someone constantly. Hardam kitne dino tak tum usey support karte rahoge..You need love and care in return. But Ronnie clearly isn't doing that. There needs to be give and take on both parts."
.
"I know I know, but he does give back. He tries his hardest. Puri koshish karta hai woh muje co-operate karne ki. I know he loves me; but he's just dealing with a lot of shit. Uske dimaag mein kaafi halchal machi hui hai.. Everything is so intense, emotionally, with Ronnie and me. It freaks me out sometimes how much I love him. I almost can't handle that fear of losing him, so going with other guys, gives me some relief from all that. mera dhyan dusre ladko mein juuta kar mai iin sab se kuch waqt ke liye alag ho jata hu. I know I'm not making much sense, but, well, it's hard to explain I guess."
.
"I think you're making more sense then you think." Soloman said, uske hoto par fir ek masti bhari smile aa gayi..
.
"I've never told anyone about all this," -mai bhi hans ke usey response diya- "reasons chaahe kuchh bhi ho, magar yeh koi excuse nahi hui Ronnie ko iitni buri tarah treat karne ki. He deserves so much more."
.
"oh yeah..is it..?" -Soloman kuch naughty-tone mein hans kar bola
.
Tab Muje khayal aaya ke ab serious baatein kaafi ho gayi. Jo muje kehna tha woh mai keh dala.
"I think you must go now, Soloman. It's getting late now. I just need to think it all over again in my privacy. So.. We'll talk tomorrow, yeah? Thanks for coming over."
.
" I'm happy to stay and talk some more, Nikhil?"
.
"Honestly, its fine. You've been amazing." -maine usey kuchh usko appreciate karte hue kaha-"for the most part, anyway."
.
Usney kuch ajeeb si siti bajaayi mere kandhe ko halke se dabate waqt, aur woh khada ho gaya
.
"Ok Nikhil, but I'll see you tomorrow yeah? I'm sorry again about...'that' earlier."
sharm se uske gaalo mein surkhi aa gayi..
.
"It's fine." -maine mazaak ki-"But never try again, ok? See ya later. I deserve a medal for turning you down..!
.
darwaaza bandh hone ki aawaz ke saath mai sofa par leit gaya.
apni aankhe bandh kar li aur sone ki koshish karne laga.magar neend toh maano koso duur bhaag chali thi. Mera mann ateet ki yaado mein duubne laga. Rocky mere khayalo mein mein fir aane laga. uske saath hue uus incident ko yaad karne laga. Mai jaanta tha woh apne aape mein nahi tha.. toh fir mai kyo ruuka nahi tab..?
kuchh der mai ruuk jata uske saath uus raat toh shayad.... (contd..)
.
===========================
Mai aur Soloman bahar living room mein baith kar coffee ki sip le rahe thhe.Tab usne yeh sawaal uthaya.
.
.
Kisi bahut badi misunderstanding ke chalte, maine Soloman ke saath aisa suluk kiya tha jis ki wajah se woh muje itni jaldi maaf nahi karta.
Magar apni galti ko realize karte hi maine usey sms kiya aur usey sorry kaha.
Usne bhi bada dil rakhte hue muje forgive kar diya.
.Pichhle 2 dino se mera chehra aur mera mood meri life mein chal rahe mushkil waqt ki Soloman ko gawahi dete thhe,
and apart from that,
Ronnie ka naam suun kar mera apne aape se baahar chale jaana..
.
Soloman ko ab do aur do chaar karne mein der nahi lagegi woh mai samaj gaya tha,
toh uske aage ab bina kuch chhupaaye apna masla pesh karne ka maine tay kar liya tha.
.
.
Uske aate hi fir se maine ek baar aur maafi maang li
fir ham dono living room mein relax ho kar baithe
aur cofee ka bada sa mug uske haath mein thama kar maine usey sab bata diya.. sab kuchh.
Mai khud bhi apni honesty se hairaan reh gaya ke maine us'se kuch nahi chhupaya.
Muje ab kaafi halka feel ho raha tha, maano ek boj hatt gaya ho dil par se.
.
Jab maine usey yeh bataya ke mai Woodoo mein anjaan ladko ke saath sex karta raha hu toh uska response yeh tha ke mai condom etc ko lekar careful toh rehta hu ke nahi.
Usne aisa koi remark nahi diya ke mai kitna khudgarz hota chala hu apni relationship mein.
.
Fir maine jab usey bataya ke kaise Ronnie ko sab pata chal gaya aur kaise hamdono ke beech kya kya ho raha hai, toh usne muje yeh sawaal kar ke acharaj mein daal diya ke-"What do you love about Ronnie?"
.
"Everything," -mere muuh se nikal gaya.
sahi mein muje koi fault nazar hi nahi aa raha tha Ronnie mein.
Sab kuch perfect tha uska. uska dil, uska jism, uski khubsurati, uski smile..
.
"You say everything, -Soloman ne mere nazdik aate aate pucha- but then..surely you can't have done this all things. Surely your relationship must have missed something.. Or he must be having a fault or two, that must have bothered to you.."
.
Uski iis baat ko thoda sa khayaal dete hue maine apni aankhe bandh kar li, ke achanak..
I froze..
Soloman ne apne honth, mere hontho par daba liye thhe.
.
.
.
.
(Ronnie ka Khayalaat)
Nikkil se duur bhag kar mai sidha apni car mein baith kar tezi se nikal gaya.
Meri aankhe se mere aansu ek pal bhi ruukne ka naam nahi lete thhe.
Magar abki baar uski wajah alag thi.
I was angry on my self for getting physically closed with Nikhil, for kissing him so intensely.
Chaahe mai kitna bhi uska pyaar paane ko desperate kyo na tha, magar muje iis tarah se apne aap ko uske hawaale nahi kar dena chaiye tha.
Ab muje lagne laga ke maine apne aap ko kitna cheap, kitna sasta bana diya tha uun kuch palo ke liye.
Mai nahi chahta ke Nikhil ko aisa lage ke usne muje fir se haansil kar liya hai.
Ab aage usey jyada koshish karne ki jarurat nahi hai waisi feeling uske dil mein nahi laani hai muje. Woh itna jaldi kaise maan'ne lage ke maine usey forgive kar diya hai.
Nahi.. kabhi nahi..
Woh mere pyar, meri devotion, meri loyalty ke laayak nahi hai. bilkul hi nahi.
I had given him everything I could; emotionally, financially,..just everything.
And for what..? For him to throw it in my face by cheating me..? hurting me..? sleeping around as if I was of no value to him?
there is no doubt, ke mai usey ek beokuuf ki tarah pyaar karta raha hu aur seriously muje uski jarurat hai..
magar fir bhi, fil haal toh mera gussa bilkul kam nahi hua hai.
.
yaha waha mai koi bhi direction mein drive karta raha.
Kaha jaau kuch samaj mein nahi aa raha tha.
Koi bhi jagah aisi nazar nahi aa rahi hai, jaha muje thoda sa bhi sukun mil paaye, meri family, mere friends.. kahi nahi jana muje,
ab ki baar toh Rocky ke paas ja kar roney se bhi kuch tasalli nahi milne waali.
.
Rocky ke saamne ja kar baithne se toh meri yaado ka dariya fir se umadne waala hai.
aisi dardnaak yaadein jo meri himmat meri taaqat ko khatm kar dene ke kaabil hai...
Kitne saare anginat sawaal khade kar ke woh muj se bichhad kar iis duniya se chala gaya hai.
Rocky ko kya dard khaye ja raha tha?
Usne aisa kyo kiya..?
aisa aakhri kadam kyo uthaya usne?
Mai Rocky se bahut bahut pyar karta tha, aur ab bhi karta hu, magar mai usey bhi maaf nahi karnewala muje iis tarah akela chhor jaane ke liye.
uski maut ke baad uske har dost, har jaan-pahechan waalo se maine kitni puch-taach ki thi ke usey kis baat ki depression aa gayi thi.
Magar koi kuch nahi bata saka tha. Usne kabhi apna dil kisi ke saamne khola nahi tha, shayad.
Kitna tadpa hoga woh andar hi andar.. uska wohi dard uski jaan lekar hi raha aakhir.
Woh apni sexuality ko lekar khush tha,
apne job se koi problem nahi thi.
kitne saare dost thhe
aur family mein bhi woh ham sabse kitna close tha, dad se, mujse, Richie se..
ham mein se kisi ko kuch nahi bata saka woh..? kyo..?
.
Jab yeh sab khyaal tadpa tadpa kar meri raato ki neend uuda kar muje bich raat mein jaga dete thhe, muje rota tadapta kar de utne zulm sehta tha mai, tab Nikhil mere saath hi tha, hardam.
.
Ek wohi tha, jo muje hausla deta tha, aise situations ka saamna karne ki shakti wohi de pata tha muje.
sirf uski maujudgi ek aisi chattaan bann jaati thi jis'se takra kar Rockie ki yaad ki har lehar tuut kar chhur ho jaati thi.
Mere dad, aur Richie dono bhi thhe mere saath, magar woh dono bhi kaafi tuut chuke thhe toh muje kaise samhalte woh.
tab muje kisi dusre taqatwar insaan ki jarurat thi. Aur woh dusra taaqatwar insaan bana Nikhil.
Woh muje push kar ke aage dhakelta tha, uun baato ka saamna karne ke liye jo ab haqikat bann chuki thi aur kabhi badalne waali baat nahi thi.
Usne muje andhere se bahar nikala aur fir se jine ki raah dikhaayi iin 2 saalo mein, warna mai toh duniye ke sabhi darwaaze bandh kar ke akele hi ghhunt kar marne ki kismat likha kar aaya tha.
Rocky ke sabse karib hone ke naate, muje aisa lagne laga tha ke mera yeh farz tha uske uus dard ko sahi samay par pehchan lene ka, chaahe woh muje kuch kehta ya nahi.
Magar Nikhil muje convince karne mein kaamyaab hua ke agar mai kuch jaan bhi paata toh bhi mai kuch nahi kar paane wala tha. Muje apne aap ko dosh dene ki koi wajah nahi thi, kyo ke Rocky wohi karta jo usko jaruri lagne laga tha.
Magar fir bhi..
kaash mai uske maut ki, uski depression ki wajah jaan pata.
===============
.
.
"What the hell Soloman..!" -mai chilla utha.
apne pairo par khada ho gaya. Coffee ka mug table se girte girte bacha..
.
"What's wrong?" -Soloman asked calmly, while standing up himself- "You want this don't you?"
.
"Want what?" -meri aawaz frustration se kaampne lagi.
.
"Well, me. You want me. don't you?" -mere nazdik fir se aate hue usne kaha.
meri kamar ko pakad kar muje apne nazdeek khiich kar usne muje jakad liya.
.
"Don't do this to me Soloman..." -mai halke se bola,
waise mai kuchh kamzor hota chala tha, uske aage, magar dusre hi pal apne aap ko samhaal liya.
.
Ronnie ne muje cheat karte hue pakda usse pehle agar yeh hota, toh shayad mai Soloman ke hawaale apne aap ko kar deta.. magar ab nahi.
.
Maine usey ek halka sa dhakka diya.
Soloman thoda sa confused hota hua pichhe hatt gaya.
.
"Sorry Soloman, I'm madly in love with Ronnie, and now I'm trying to win him back, I've just been explaining to you before you..tried to kiss me."
.
"If you love Ronnie that much, then seriously yaar, why the hell did you cheat so much..? Ham dono dost hai toh muje yeh kehna nai chaiye, magar tum iis baat se inkaar nai kar sakte ke you've been a complete dick to that poor Ronnie."
.
Apni kiss ke rejection ko Soloman ne kaafi aasaani se digest kar liya tha..
thank god...
.
uski baat pe maine koi reaction nahi di
toh usne fir se apna point rakha- "Tell me why you cheated..?
.
"I think..to get some attention." -maine ek thandi saans chhorte hue kaha.
.
"what..? -usne meri baat ko seriously nahi lete hue fir se pucha.
.
"I know, what I am saying sounds stupid to you, right?"
.
"Well, what's wrong with the attention that Ronnie gives you..? woh tumko attention toh deta hi hoga.."
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"Ha..! What attention..! He may hug and kiss me some times.. that all but he is NEVER up for anything more than that." -maine ab dil pura kholna chaha- "We 'did' it sometimes, once a week or so, since so many months."
Soloman ki bhanve upar chadd gayi..woh ab iis discussion ko aage le jaana chahta tha.
.
maine apni baat aage badhaayi- "Sorry Soloman, even that is not the main problem for me. woh koi bada problem nai hai mere liye.. jab muje woh sex nai de pata woh time depression ka hota, toh mai sex ki itni less frequency ke saath bhi chala leta. koi jyada problem nahi hai mere ko. I know that sounds awful to you, but then, there has always something wrong with Ronnie. Always kuch na kuch usey problem rehti hi hai..! "
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"Always..? what's wrong with him always..?
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"After being together in this house, just within few months he just changed, he got moody easily and became really insecured to such an extend that he was even hesitant to get undressed in front of me..! You understand me..? mere saamne nanga hone mein bhi woh hesitate karne laga.."
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"yeah.. carry on.."
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"I'm just not used to that Soloman. And then, It has been even worse after Rocky's death.."
"Rocky..?
"His brother.. Rocky..2 years older than him. They were very close to each other"
"ok.."
"At first this was understandable. But yaar, it's been years now, do saal ho gaye uski maut ko but Ronnie is still cut up. He is very much traumatised by the whole thing. Hardam darra hua sehmai... Always mentally disturbed by the death of Rocky. Arey, sometimes I feel more like a therapist then a boyfriend..yaar."
.
Soloman meri taraf ek-tak nazro se dekhta raha. Kuch kehna chaah raha tha woh, magar kuch na bola.
Bass, dekhta raha meri aur.
"Sorry." -maine fir ek thaki hui saans chhorte hue apne maathe par apna haath fera aur kaha- "I've never, actually said any of that to anyone before, except Rocky anyway."
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"Rocky..?
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"To be honest, I don't really like telling people about him" -Rocky ke saath, uske maut ke kuchh arse pehle hue mere ek awkward incident ko yaad karte hue mai bola.
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"If you feel that way about your relationship with Ronnie, then why don't you speak to him? Why you sleep around with others instead of that ? And besides, you said he is perfect, but it doesn't sound anymore, like you meant it that way..!"
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"I know it sounds ridiculous, but then.. it gets difficult..day by day.." -maine udaasi se apni baat jaari rakhi.
Jis interest se woh suun raha tha, muje kaafi relief mil rahi thi.
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"Difficult ..? in which way? -woh puchha
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"I don't dare to upset him by saying I'm not happy. As it is, he is already broken enough. He is perfect. agar woh insecure aur depressed hai toh It is not his fault, kyo ke when he has a good day, he is the most loving man I've ever met. But most of the times, I feel like I'm living in somebody's shadow..kisi ki parchhai hardam hamare relation ko kaalikh deti rahi hai.."
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"So you started finding Ronnie elsewhere..?"
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"yaar, I know I've been a selfish prick to him. But when I first started `playing away' it started with me just going to that bar to flirt, to get some attention, that's all. But then I started actually having sex, and then..it all went out of my control from there. Really.. I swear..!."
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"You need to tell Ronnie all this." -Soloman softly muje samjaate hue bola. "Nikhil, How can you expect to move forward if you're not honest with him.. ? uus'e baat kiye bina koi solution kaise niklega"
.
"He will laugh on me Soloman..hansega woh muj par, who wouldn't ? it all sounds so stupid."
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"No Nikhil, it doesn't. Of course it doesn't sound stupid. You can't give that kind of support to someone constantly. Hardam kitne dino tak tum usey support karte rahoge..You need love and care in return. But Ronnie clearly isn't doing that. There needs to be give and take on both parts."
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"I know I know, but he does give back. He tries his hardest. Puri koshish karta hai woh muje co-operate karne ki. I know he loves me; but he's just dealing with a lot of shit. Uske dimaag mein kaafi halchal machi hui hai.. Everything is so intense, emotionally, with Ronnie and me. It freaks me out sometimes how much I love him. I almost can't handle that fear of losing him, so going with other guys, gives me some relief from all that. mera dhyan dusre ladko mein juuta kar mai iin sab se kuch waqt ke liye alag ho jata hu. I know I'm not making much sense, but, well, it's hard to explain I guess."
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"I think you're making more sense then you think." Soloman said, uske hoto par fir ek masti bhari smile aa gayi..
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"I've never told anyone about all this," -mai bhi hans ke usey response diya- "reasons chaahe kuchh bhi ho, magar yeh koi excuse nahi hui Ronnie ko iitni buri tarah treat karne ki. He deserves so much more."
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"oh yeah..is it..?" -Soloman kuch naughty-tone mein hans kar bola
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Tab Muje khayal aaya ke ab serious baatein kaafi ho gayi. Jo muje kehna tha woh mai keh dala.
"I think you must go now, Soloman. It's getting late now. I just need to think it all over again in my privacy. So.. We'll talk tomorrow, yeah? Thanks for coming over."
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" I'm happy to stay and talk some more, Nikhil?"
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"Honestly, its fine. You've been amazing." -maine usey kuchh usko appreciate karte hue kaha-"for the most part, anyway."
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Usney kuch ajeeb si siti bajaayi mere kandhe ko halke se dabate waqt, aur woh khada ho gaya
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"Ok Nikhil, but I'll see you tomorrow yeah? I'm sorry again about...'that' earlier."
sharm se uske gaalo mein surkhi aa gayi..
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"It's fine." -maine mazaak ki-"But never try again, ok? See ya later. I deserve a medal for turning you down..!
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darwaaza bandh hone ki aawaz ke saath mai sofa par leit gaya.
apni aankhe bandh kar li aur sone ki koshish karne laga.magar neend toh maano koso duur bhaag chali thi. Mera mann ateet ki yaado mein duubne laga. Rocky mere khayalo mein mein fir aane laga. uske saath hue uus incident ko yaad karne laga. Mai jaanta tha woh apne aape mein nahi tha.. toh fir mai kyo ruuka nahi tab..?
kuchh der mai ruuk jata uske saath uus raat toh shayad.... (contd..)
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