"I AM happy with you!" -uttejit hokar mai chilla utha- "I don't want to fuck you the way I do the others..! I just want us to go back to how we were before..!"
.
mai fauran chuup ho gaya jab maine dekha ke woh muje ghuur raha hai.
Woh ab upset aur shocked, dono lag raha tha.
.
"Others..? besides Aasif..? " -usne na maan'ne waali aawaz mein puchha.
.
ek dabi hui 'errr' mere hontho se nikal gayi jaise muje realise hua ke mai kya keh gaya.
.
"Aasif isn't the only guy you've cheated on me with?" -usne herat se kaampti hui aazaz mein pucha- "You've been fucking other people too..?"
.
kaash mai confidently juuth bol bata, ke haan, sirf Aasif akela hi tha,
magar mere muh se koi labz bahar nahi nikal pa raha tha.
Bass khula ka khula reh gaya mera muuh, jis'se mere gunaah mere chehre par bilkul saaf padhne laayak ho gaye.
Ronnie ke aansu achanak suukh gaye aur ab woh gusse se kadua ban'ne laga.
.
"How many `others' are there Nikhil..? How many other guys have you been fucking behind my back..?"
"Ronnie, please." -tar'raati hui aawaz mein maine kaha.
"Just fucking tell me Nikhil, how many?"
.
muje koshish karni thi yeh kehne ki, ke Aasif hi akela ladka tha jiske saath maine sex kiya hai, magar mai jaanta tha it yeh pointless hoga.
Ronnie beokuuf nahi tha. Mai kab juuth bol raha hu ye taad lene ki hadd tak woh muje jaanta tha.
Jab mai well-prepared hota hu toh mai achchi tarah juuth bol leta hu
magar aisi spontaneous situation mein toh kabhi nahi ho pata mujse.
.
Roniie muje taak raha tha jawaab ke intazaar mein.
Aisa jawaab jo shayad ham dono ke beech ka sab kuch, fauran khatm kar de.
.
"I don't know..." -maine dhime suur mein kaha.
"What?" -disbelief se uski aawaz ruukne lagi thi- "You don't know..? Why? because you can't remember..? or because there's been that many..?"
.
"Both." -meri aawaz bhi ruukne lagi thi, usey khone de darr ki wajah se
.
I was genuinely shocked at my own honesty. And I felt fucking devastated too.
Mai imagine nahi kar sakta tha ke uus waqt Ronnie kaisa feel karta hoga.
muje chhor kar jaane se usey rokna ab bahut hi mushkil honewala tha woh mai jaan chuka tha.
Meri taraf shocked nazaro se kuch pal dekhne ke baad, Ronnie, apna chehra hatheliyo mein chhipa kar el teer ki tarah room se bhaag nikla.
.
"Ronnie..Ronnie listen please." -mai uske pichhe pichhe bhaga.
He sounded like he could barely breathe as he sobbed heavily
and shouted at me to FUCK OFF.
Uski baanh ko pakad kar usey meri taraf ghuma kar, maine usey meri aagosh mein le liya.
muje darr tha...ek andesha tha muje...ke woh muje dhakka de dega.
magar ulta, woh meri baanho mein collapse ho kar, pura ka pura dil tuut kar bahar aa jaaye uus hadd tak rone laga.
.
bilkul kamzori ke saath usne meri shirt thaam li, aur mere kandho mein apna sar chhupa liya. Ham dono ab khade reh paane ke liye kaafi kamzor ho chale thhe,
toh farsh par apne ghutno ke bal ho gaye.
.
Maine usey apni puri taaqat ke saath jakad liya yehi darr se, ke aainda woh kabhi bhi muje itni nazdikiyaan nahi paane dega.
Mai uski mehak aur garmi se apne aap ko behlaane laga.
Uske mulayam baalo ko feel karna ek ajeeb sa sukuun baksh raha tha muje.
uski uun chhoti chhoti qualities ke baare mein, mai sochne laga jis'se mera dil-o-jaan hardam qaayal raha karte thhe, impressed hua karte thhe, from the smoothness of his skin to his amazing cheerful energy which he constantly expelled.
.
magar tabhi achanak usne apne aap ko meri pakad se riha kar liya
"Ronnie.."I love you so much."
"Get off me." -He wept- "I can't do this Nikhil...you have no idea how much you've hurt me."
"I never wanted to hurt you." -I cried- "It was just sex Ronnie, just meaningless sex. I've not had feelings for any of the men I've been with."
.
Ronnie meri pakad se riha ho kar ab apne pairo par khada ho gaya.
Maine uske pairo ke ird-gird apni baanhe faila kar unhe pakad liya, aur apne aansu se unhe bhigone laga.
I had never felt so scared and desperate in all my life.
"I can't lose you Ronnie, please." -I cried- "You're my world Ronnie. Please don't leave me, please."
.
uske paanve ko, na chhorne ki jidd tak pakde rakh kar, us'se iis tarah bhikh maangne ke baad mai mard kehlane ko laayak nahi tha, but it didn't matter to me how undignified I was being;
Ronnie ke bina ki zindagi jine laayak bilkul nahi thi.
I needed him to stay.
.
"How am I supposed to stay Nikhil..?" -He sobbed- "Tell me? How am I supposed to be able to trust you again? To believe, that you actually love me? To believe that I'm good enough..?"
.
"Because I'll spend every minute, of every day, showing you how much I love you, and how perfect you are. I'll do whatever it requires, to show that yes you can trust me. I'll never leave your sight; you can have my phone, my bike or whatever you want. I'll do whatever you need me to do Ronnie, to prove. I'll never look at another man again." -mai usey jitni sureity de sakta tha, sab de di.
.
kuch palo ke baad maine uskey ghutne chhor diye aur apne pairo par khada ho gaya.
Mere heart aur stomach mein aisi pain ho rahi thi jise bayaan karna muskil hai.
I was totally exhausted.
Maine uska chehra pakad liya aur ek dusre ke maathe par apna maatha tek kar kamzor pillo ki tarah ham-dono tadapte rahe..kaafi der tak.
.
"Please don't give up on us." -dhire se maine kaha
"Me give up on us..? You're the one that gave up on us, by cheating.. By fucking around with, what sounds like ANYONE and EVERYONE..!"
.
" I'm sorry..Please, can we just...talk..?"
.
maano kuch investigate kar raha ho waise nazro ke saath kuchh pal meri taraf dekhne ke baad woh bol utha-
"Ok..But this is only because, I have some questions."
Aur woh tezi se kichen ki aur gaya. Maine usey follow kiya.
.
Dekha ke usne freeze se ek bottle vodka ki nikali.
Silently usney 2 glass mein usey pour kiya aur ek muje pass kiya, jisey maine gratefully accept kiya.
.
muje bhi jarurat thi ek stiff-drink ki
aur jis tarah se ek bada sa ghunnt usne bhara, usey bhi utni hi jarurat thi.
Refrigerator mein Vodka bachi hui thi, kyo ke hamdono mostly wine ya cold beer hi prefer karte hai, vodka toh very rarely pitey hai.
.
muje yaad hai 6 mahine pehle ek shaam ko ham dono kaafi bor ho rahe thhe,
toh hamne ek random-drinking-game khelne ka decide kiya.
iis ke liye dono lower-garden gaye jo mostly young crowd se bhara rehta hai.
Vodka ki bottles saath mein thi
aur agal bagal mein se jab bhi koi particular word sun'ne mein aaye toh hamey ek ek ghunt maarna hai, aisi shart hamne rakhi.
'Fuck' suna toh muje, aur 'shit' suuna toh usey.
need not say, but we both were quite wasted after an hour or so..
magar yeh ek novel experience tha.
.
aisi mazedaar baat yaad aate hi aisi situation mein bhi muje achcha laga. Magar Ronnie ki aur dekhte hi fir reality saamne aa gayi. Woh khidki ke bahar taakta hua guum suum khada tha.
"Wanna go n sit down in the living room..?" -usey chaunka na du, iis tarah halke suur maine puchha.
Sar hila kar woh chal diya, aur mai uske piche piche.
dono ek dusre ke karib baith gaye.
.
"You said that you had questions." -mera glass khatm karte hue maine kaha.
Vodka ki garmi meri halak aur siney mein kaafi comforting lag rahe thhe.
Khaali glass maine coffee-table par rakha.
muje dekhkar Ronnie ne bhi wohi kiya
.
"I want you to be honest with me Nikhil, with whatever I ask you." -thoda sa desparate ho kar woh bola- "I don't know if I'll be able to believe a word you say, but I still need you to promise that you'll be honest with me."
"I promise Ronnie.. No more lies.."
.
aur maine sach hi kaha tha.. i meant it.
Especially, jab ke most serious baat toh maine usye already bata hi di thi ke maine ek se jyada ladko ko lekar usey cheat kiya hai.
.
"When...when were you cheating.? You rarely went out..." -usney apna shaq zaheer kiya.
Maine decide kiya ke ab usey "Woodoo" ke baare mein bata du.
.
"I leave the office at 5.15." -apna decision-change ho jaaye us'se pehle maine jhatt se bata diya
"What..?" -woh chaunk gaya
"I go to this...bar...Woodoo after work." -sehmi hui aawaz mein mai bola- "That's where
I've met the guys I've slept with...including Aasif..."
.
Fuck fuck fuck.
Ab pichhe hatne ka koi chance nahi.
.
uske reaction ki wait karte hue, tensed ho kar mai baitha raha,
iis mein koi shaq nahi ke I was quite terrified.
.
Muje sharminda karti hui nazro se woh muje dekhta raha.
Muje ab apne aap se gheen ho rahi thi, how could i ever forgive my self for everything I've done to him.
.
"I...you..." -woh haklata tha, maano usey labz na mil rahe ho- "When...where? Why?"
"At Woodoo...I went after work for a drink one day, and I ended up...hooking up with someone." -maine admit kya- "I was stressed and I suppose I just wanted some...fun."
.
"Do I bore you or something?" -He spat- "Why you didn't come and talk to me and have that fucking `fun' with me?"
"I should have" -mere aansu fir aa gaye muje kanzor banane ke liye- "I just liked...the excitement of it."
.
mera jawaab me rahi meri reasons kitni behuda lag rahi thi muje hi.. kitini betuuki baatein mai kar raha tha.
How can I ever think that a bit of fun with strangers could be worth this, hurting the love of my life..?
.
"The fucking `excitement' of it..?" - uska kaduepan jaari raha- "What..? so you enjoyed cheating on me? Do I mean that little to you..?"
"I didn't mean it like that.. You're my world Ronnie. I hate myself for what I've done, I really do hate."
"Not as much as I hate YOU." -usne yeh jo kaha woh shocking toh nahi tha, magar fir bhi ek gehra dhakka de gaya muje.
.
"You don't mean that.." -bhari hui aankho ke saath maine uska haath pakadte hue kaha.
apna sar jhuka kar, maathe par haath rakhkar woh chupke chupke rone laga.
.
"I too wish that I didn't mean that, Nikhil. I wish I could hate you. You have no idea how much you're hurting me. I never thought you could hurt me like this. I don't even have the energy right now to be angry. I just want the pain to stop."
.
uskey baad maine sachmuuch, ek beokuuf ki tarah ek baat kahi.
Uus waqt toh muje laga ke is'se matter sulaj jayega. usey mere nazdik laaega. Uske dard ko kam karega.
Magar ulta yeh toh aisa hua ke maine koi switch-on kar di, jis'se woh ek gussail aur kadua insaan mein tabdeel ho gaya.
.
Maine uske kandhe mein apna sar jhuka kar uski gardan mein apna chehra gaadh diya. Kuch palo tak mai waise hi chup-chaap raha, uski nazdiki ko saraahte hue.
Usne bhi apna apna chehra mere chehre par rakh diya tha.
Honestly, muje laga ke ham dono ki baat ab bann rahi hai..
Aur shayad baat bann hi rahi thi,
magar tab tak, ke jab tak maine apna paagal muuh nahi khola tha.
.
"Come to bed with me." -mai fusfusaya.
well..mai usey seduce nahi kar rha tha. sex ki koi suchna nahi thi usme.
muje toh bas usey apni baanho mein dharey rakhna tha,
yeh dikhane ki koshish karni thi ke how much i desperately loved him.
.
Magr Ronnie ek jhatke ke saath khada ho gaya aur apni gusse se bhari hui dahaad se muje chauka diya.
.
"Is that all you fucking care about..? Sex..? I'm telling you how fucking fucked up I feel, and all you want to do is, try it on..?"
.
"No Ronnie." -maine urgency ke saath kaha.
.
"Is that all our relationship has ever been to you..? Just about the sex..? Have I meant nothing more to you, over these years?" -uska gussa jaari raha
.
mai khada hua usey tasalli dene ko.
It was unbelievably hurtful to hear him suggest ke hamari relationship ek kamzor buniyaad par ruuki hui hai. Uski neenv hi sex ki bani hui hai.
.
"How can you even say that, Ronnie?" -mai ro diya- "I love you with all my heart, and even if we never have sex, I will still feel that way only. I still want to spend forever with you."
.
"How can you love me Nikhil..?" -fir uski aawaz tutne lagi siskiyo ki wajah se- "You've been lying to me, for god knows how long, so that you can hook up with people at some dirty bar.. You've even gone through the effort to say that you finish your office at a different time, just so that you can have the fucking sex on a DAILY basis with everyone else, except ME..! You haven't just gone out and done something in the heat of the moment, but you've actually...PLANNED it."
.
Mai kuchh na keh saka.. kya kehta mai..?
Ronnie mere saamne khada tha, bikarta hua, apne aap se woh sab uus dard ki baat ko dohrata hua, jo dard maine usey diye thhe.
.
"And that wasn't even enough for you, was it..? after sex at that bar you still wanted more. So you bring people back here...to what was supposed to be our HOME. We have worked so hard for this place, to have a home together, and you treat it like some fucking...I don't know...brothel or something."
.
Ronnie ki aawaz se reflect hoti hui pain se mai sharmindgi ke bojh taley dabta chala gaya, jab maine realize kiya ke mai kitna selfish bana hua thha pichle kai mahino se.
.
Mai ek kadam aage badha aur Ronnie ka chehra hatheli mein pakad kar uske maathe par apna maath tek diya.
Dard ke iis intolerable excess doz se thakk kar dono ki palkein ab bhaari ho gayi thi.
.
"Why have you done this to me Nikhil..? why..? haven't I been enough?"
"You are enough. I don't know why I've done this. I wish I could take it all back Ronnie, I can't face you leaving me...I can't handle the thought of living without you by my side."
.
Uski aawaz tab bhi utni hi peeda-daayak thi, jab maine uske muuh se suna ke-
"Neither can bear the thought of losing you.."
.
Mai thamm gaya..
magar usne apni baath aage badhayi- "but I will have to go.. I am going to pack-up some things..will you get me some of my clothes from the bedroom please..!" (contd..)
.
===================================
.
mai fauran chuup ho gaya jab maine dekha ke woh muje ghuur raha hai.
Woh ab upset aur shocked, dono lag raha tha.
.
"Others..? besides Aasif..? " -usne na maan'ne waali aawaz mein puchha.
.
ek dabi hui 'errr' mere hontho se nikal gayi jaise muje realise hua ke mai kya keh gaya.
.
"Aasif isn't the only guy you've cheated on me with?" -usne herat se kaampti hui aazaz mein pucha- "You've been fucking other people too..?"
.
kaash mai confidently juuth bol bata, ke haan, sirf Aasif akela hi tha,
magar mere muh se koi labz bahar nahi nikal pa raha tha.
Bass khula ka khula reh gaya mera muuh, jis'se mere gunaah mere chehre par bilkul saaf padhne laayak ho gaye.
Ronnie ke aansu achanak suukh gaye aur ab woh gusse se kadua ban'ne laga.
.
"How many `others' are there Nikhil..? How many other guys have you been fucking behind my back..?"
"Ronnie, please." -tar'raati hui aawaz mein maine kaha.
"Just fucking tell me Nikhil, how many?"
.
muje koshish karni thi yeh kehne ki, ke Aasif hi akela ladka tha jiske saath maine sex kiya hai, magar mai jaanta tha it yeh pointless hoga.
Ronnie beokuuf nahi tha. Mai kab juuth bol raha hu ye taad lene ki hadd tak woh muje jaanta tha.
Jab mai well-prepared hota hu toh mai achchi tarah juuth bol leta hu
magar aisi spontaneous situation mein toh kabhi nahi ho pata mujse.
.
Roniie muje taak raha tha jawaab ke intazaar mein.
Aisa jawaab jo shayad ham dono ke beech ka sab kuch, fauran khatm kar de.
.
"I don't know..." -maine dhime suur mein kaha.
"What?" -disbelief se uski aawaz ruukne lagi thi- "You don't know..? Why? because you can't remember..? or because there's been that many..?"
.
"Both." -meri aawaz bhi ruukne lagi thi, usey khone de darr ki wajah se
.
I was genuinely shocked at my own honesty. And I felt fucking devastated too.
Mai imagine nahi kar sakta tha ke uus waqt Ronnie kaisa feel karta hoga.
muje chhor kar jaane se usey rokna ab bahut hi mushkil honewala tha woh mai jaan chuka tha.
Meri taraf shocked nazaro se kuch pal dekhne ke baad, Ronnie, apna chehra hatheliyo mein chhipa kar el teer ki tarah room se bhaag nikla.
.
"Ronnie..Ronnie listen please." -mai uske pichhe pichhe bhaga.
He sounded like he could barely breathe as he sobbed heavily
and shouted at me to FUCK OFF.
Uski baanh ko pakad kar usey meri taraf ghuma kar, maine usey meri aagosh mein le liya.
muje darr tha...ek andesha tha muje...ke woh muje dhakka de dega.
magar ulta, woh meri baanho mein collapse ho kar, pura ka pura dil tuut kar bahar aa jaaye uus hadd tak rone laga.
.
bilkul kamzori ke saath usne meri shirt thaam li, aur mere kandho mein apna sar chhupa liya. Ham dono ab khade reh paane ke liye kaafi kamzor ho chale thhe,
toh farsh par apne ghutno ke bal ho gaye.
.
Maine usey apni puri taaqat ke saath jakad liya yehi darr se, ke aainda woh kabhi bhi muje itni nazdikiyaan nahi paane dega.
Mai uski mehak aur garmi se apne aap ko behlaane laga.
Uske mulayam baalo ko feel karna ek ajeeb sa sukuun baksh raha tha muje.
uski uun chhoti chhoti qualities ke baare mein, mai sochne laga jis'se mera dil-o-jaan hardam qaayal raha karte thhe, impressed hua karte thhe, from the smoothness of his skin to his amazing cheerful energy which he constantly expelled.
.
magar tabhi achanak usne apne aap ko meri pakad se riha kar liya
"Ronnie.."I love you so much."
"Get off me." -He wept- "I can't do this Nikhil...you have no idea how much you've hurt me."
"I never wanted to hurt you." -I cried- "It was just sex Ronnie, just meaningless sex. I've not had feelings for any of the men I've been with."
.
Ronnie meri pakad se riha ho kar ab apne pairo par khada ho gaya.
Maine uske pairo ke ird-gird apni baanhe faila kar unhe pakad liya, aur apne aansu se unhe bhigone laga.
I had never felt so scared and desperate in all my life.
"I can't lose you Ronnie, please." -I cried- "You're my world Ronnie. Please don't leave me, please."
.
uske paanve ko, na chhorne ki jidd tak pakde rakh kar, us'se iis tarah bhikh maangne ke baad mai mard kehlane ko laayak nahi tha, but it didn't matter to me how undignified I was being;
Ronnie ke bina ki zindagi jine laayak bilkul nahi thi.
I needed him to stay.
.
"How am I supposed to stay Nikhil..?" -He sobbed- "Tell me? How am I supposed to be able to trust you again? To believe, that you actually love me? To believe that I'm good enough..?"
.
"Because I'll spend every minute, of every day, showing you how much I love you, and how perfect you are. I'll do whatever it requires, to show that yes you can trust me. I'll never leave your sight; you can have my phone, my bike or whatever you want. I'll do whatever you need me to do Ronnie, to prove. I'll never look at another man again." -mai usey jitni sureity de sakta tha, sab de di.
.
kuch palo ke baad maine uskey ghutne chhor diye aur apne pairo par khada ho gaya.
Mere heart aur stomach mein aisi pain ho rahi thi jise bayaan karna muskil hai.
I was totally exhausted.
Maine uska chehra pakad liya aur ek dusre ke maathe par apna maatha tek kar kamzor pillo ki tarah ham-dono tadapte rahe..kaafi der tak.
.
"Please don't give up on us." -dhire se maine kaha
"Me give up on us..? You're the one that gave up on us, by cheating.. By fucking around with, what sounds like ANYONE and EVERYONE..!"
.
" I'm sorry..Please, can we just...talk..?"
.
maano kuch investigate kar raha ho waise nazro ke saath kuchh pal meri taraf dekhne ke baad woh bol utha-
"Ok..But this is only because, I have some questions."
Aur woh tezi se kichen ki aur gaya. Maine usey follow kiya.
.
Dekha ke usne freeze se ek bottle vodka ki nikali.
Silently usney 2 glass mein usey pour kiya aur ek muje pass kiya, jisey maine gratefully accept kiya.
.
muje bhi jarurat thi ek stiff-drink ki
aur jis tarah se ek bada sa ghunnt usne bhara, usey bhi utni hi jarurat thi.
Refrigerator mein Vodka bachi hui thi, kyo ke hamdono mostly wine ya cold beer hi prefer karte hai, vodka toh very rarely pitey hai.
.
muje yaad hai 6 mahine pehle ek shaam ko ham dono kaafi bor ho rahe thhe,
toh hamne ek random-drinking-game khelne ka decide kiya.
iis ke liye dono lower-garden gaye jo mostly young crowd se bhara rehta hai.
Vodka ki bottles saath mein thi
aur agal bagal mein se jab bhi koi particular word sun'ne mein aaye toh hamey ek ek ghunt maarna hai, aisi shart hamne rakhi.
'Fuck' suna toh muje, aur 'shit' suuna toh usey.
need not say, but we both were quite wasted after an hour or so..
magar yeh ek novel experience tha.
.
aisi mazedaar baat yaad aate hi aisi situation mein bhi muje achcha laga. Magar Ronnie ki aur dekhte hi fir reality saamne aa gayi. Woh khidki ke bahar taakta hua guum suum khada tha.
"Wanna go n sit down in the living room..?" -usey chaunka na du, iis tarah halke suur maine puchha.
Sar hila kar woh chal diya, aur mai uske piche piche.
dono ek dusre ke karib baith gaye.
.
"You said that you had questions." -mera glass khatm karte hue maine kaha.
Vodka ki garmi meri halak aur siney mein kaafi comforting lag rahe thhe.
Khaali glass maine coffee-table par rakha.
muje dekhkar Ronnie ne bhi wohi kiya
.
"I want you to be honest with me Nikhil, with whatever I ask you." -thoda sa desparate ho kar woh bola- "I don't know if I'll be able to believe a word you say, but I still need you to promise that you'll be honest with me."
"I promise Ronnie.. No more lies.."
.
aur maine sach hi kaha tha.. i meant it.
Especially, jab ke most serious baat toh maine usye already bata hi di thi ke maine ek se jyada ladko ko lekar usey cheat kiya hai.
.
"When...when were you cheating.? You rarely went out..." -usney apna shaq zaheer kiya.
Maine decide kiya ke ab usey "Woodoo" ke baare mein bata du.
.
"I leave the office at 5.15." -apna decision-change ho jaaye us'se pehle maine jhatt se bata diya
"What..?" -woh chaunk gaya
"I go to this...bar...Woodoo after work." -sehmi hui aawaz mein mai bola- "That's where
I've met the guys I've slept with...including Aasif..."
.
Fuck fuck fuck.
Ab pichhe hatne ka koi chance nahi.
.
uske reaction ki wait karte hue, tensed ho kar mai baitha raha,
iis mein koi shaq nahi ke I was quite terrified.
.
Muje sharminda karti hui nazro se woh muje dekhta raha.
Muje ab apne aap se gheen ho rahi thi, how could i ever forgive my self for everything I've done to him.
.
"I...you..." -woh haklata tha, maano usey labz na mil rahe ho- "When...where? Why?"
"At Woodoo...I went after work for a drink one day, and I ended up...hooking up with someone." -maine admit kya- "I was stressed and I suppose I just wanted some...fun."
.
"Do I bore you or something?" -He spat- "Why you didn't come and talk to me and have that fucking `fun' with me?"
"I should have" -mere aansu fir aa gaye muje kanzor banane ke liye- "I just liked...the excitement of it."
.
mera jawaab me rahi meri reasons kitni behuda lag rahi thi muje hi.. kitini betuuki baatein mai kar raha tha.
How can I ever think that a bit of fun with strangers could be worth this, hurting the love of my life..?
.
"The fucking `excitement' of it..?" - uska kaduepan jaari raha- "What..? so you enjoyed cheating on me? Do I mean that little to you..?"
"I didn't mean it like that.. You're my world Ronnie. I hate myself for what I've done, I really do hate."
"Not as much as I hate YOU." -usne yeh jo kaha woh shocking toh nahi tha, magar fir bhi ek gehra dhakka de gaya muje.
.
"You don't mean that.." -bhari hui aankho ke saath maine uska haath pakadte hue kaha.
apna sar jhuka kar, maathe par haath rakhkar woh chupke chupke rone laga.
.
"I too wish that I didn't mean that, Nikhil. I wish I could hate you. You have no idea how much you're hurting me. I never thought you could hurt me like this. I don't even have the energy right now to be angry. I just want the pain to stop."
.
uskey baad maine sachmuuch, ek beokuuf ki tarah ek baat kahi.
Uus waqt toh muje laga ke is'se matter sulaj jayega. usey mere nazdik laaega. Uske dard ko kam karega.
Magar ulta yeh toh aisa hua ke maine koi switch-on kar di, jis'se woh ek gussail aur kadua insaan mein tabdeel ho gaya.
.
Maine uske kandhe mein apna sar jhuka kar uski gardan mein apna chehra gaadh diya. Kuch palo tak mai waise hi chup-chaap raha, uski nazdiki ko saraahte hue.
Usne bhi apna apna chehra mere chehre par rakh diya tha.
Honestly, muje laga ke ham dono ki baat ab bann rahi hai..
Aur shayad baat bann hi rahi thi,
magar tab tak, ke jab tak maine apna paagal muuh nahi khola tha.
.
"Come to bed with me." -mai fusfusaya.
well..mai usey seduce nahi kar rha tha. sex ki koi suchna nahi thi usme.
muje toh bas usey apni baanho mein dharey rakhna tha,
yeh dikhane ki koshish karni thi ke how much i desperately loved him.
.
Magr Ronnie ek jhatke ke saath khada ho gaya aur apni gusse se bhari hui dahaad se muje chauka diya.
.
"Is that all you fucking care about..? Sex..? I'm telling you how fucking fucked up I feel, and all you want to do is, try it on..?"
.
"No Ronnie." -maine urgency ke saath kaha.
.
"Is that all our relationship has ever been to you..? Just about the sex..? Have I meant nothing more to you, over these years?" -uska gussa jaari raha
.
mai khada hua usey tasalli dene ko.
It was unbelievably hurtful to hear him suggest ke hamari relationship ek kamzor buniyaad par ruuki hui hai. Uski neenv hi sex ki bani hui hai.
.
"How can you even say that, Ronnie?" -mai ro diya- "I love you with all my heart, and even if we never have sex, I will still feel that way only. I still want to spend forever with you."
.
"How can you love me Nikhil..?" -fir uski aawaz tutne lagi siskiyo ki wajah se- "You've been lying to me, for god knows how long, so that you can hook up with people at some dirty bar.. You've even gone through the effort to say that you finish your office at a different time, just so that you can have the fucking sex on a DAILY basis with everyone else, except ME..! You haven't just gone out and done something in the heat of the moment, but you've actually...PLANNED it."
.
Mai kuchh na keh saka.. kya kehta mai..?
Ronnie mere saamne khada tha, bikarta hua, apne aap se woh sab uus dard ki baat ko dohrata hua, jo dard maine usey diye thhe.
.
"And that wasn't even enough for you, was it..? after sex at that bar you still wanted more. So you bring people back here...to what was supposed to be our HOME. We have worked so hard for this place, to have a home together, and you treat it like some fucking...I don't know...brothel or something."
.
Ronnie ki aawaz se reflect hoti hui pain se mai sharmindgi ke bojh taley dabta chala gaya, jab maine realize kiya ke mai kitna selfish bana hua thha pichle kai mahino se.
.
Mai ek kadam aage badha aur Ronnie ka chehra hatheli mein pakad kar uske maathe par apna maath tek diya.
Dard ke iis intolerable excess doz se thakk kar dono ki palkein ab bhaari ho gayi thi.
.
"Why have you done this to me Nikhil..? why..? haven't I been enough?"
"You are enough. I don't know why I've done this. I wish I could take it all back Ronnie, I can't face you leaving me...I can't handle the thought of living without you by my side."
.
Uski aawaz tab bhi utni hi peeda-daayak thi, jab maine uske muuh se suna ke-
"Neither can bear the thought of losing you.."
.
Mai thamm gaya..
magar usne apni baath aage badhayi- "but I will have to go.. I am going to pack-up some things..will you get me some of my clothes from the bedroom please..!" (contd..)
.
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