Subah uthte hi anjaane mein mera hath feil gaya, Ronnie ko apni aagosh mein khinchne ke liye,
magar fir niche bistar se ja takraya.
Just for a moment I had completely forgotten about last night.,
lekin achanak ek zordaar thappad ki tarah, har dardnaak detail muje yaad aa gayi.
mera haath ki mutthi bandh gayi
aur anjaane mein hi..
mai muthi mein bed-sheet ko masalne laga, as if ke is'se kuch raahat milegi.
.
soney ke liye, kal raat muje kaafi struggle karni padi.
hamaare beech is'se pehle bhi kai ek baar arguements hui hai, magar bistar mein jaane ke baad, soney se pehle ham har complain ko sort-out kar hi paate thhe.
.
But last-night, na toh woh arguement karne ke liye haazir tha,
aur na hi usey solve karne ke liye.
due to that, a dull ache had decended over my body for not knowing where i stood without Ronnie, while trying to drift off to sleep.
.
usne muje jab bedroom mein Aasif ke saath dekha, uus waqt ke uske chehre ke expressions ko mai bhula nahi pa raha tha.
Woh bilkul chillaya nahi tha, na hi temper lose kiya tha,
bas uski aankhe bhar aayi thi..
aur aankho se kai guuna jyada uska dil ro raha tha, jo ke uske chehre se saaf dikhaai de rha tha.
uska wohi chehra meri nazro ke saamne se hat'ta nahi tha.
.
I felt physically sick from guilt;
I couldn't believe I had allowed myself to hurt Ronnie so much.
It wasn't going to be easy getting him back.
.
.
Maine office mein call kar ke keh diya ke mai afternoon tak office nahi aa paunga.
Bistar se apne aap ko khinch kar mai wash-room mein gaya.
Aur daily routine nipta kar ready ho gaya.
Apni bike le kar mai Ronnie ke dad ke ghar ki aur nikal pada.
.
Bahut hi maayus subah thi.
Baadlo se aakash bhara hua tha, aur kabhi bhi baarish hone ke aasaar nazar aa rahe thhe.
apni bike Ronnie ke dad ke ghar ke bahar park karte samay, fir se mai sochne laga ke unse mai kya reason du, ke kyo maine Ronnie ko cheat kiya hai.
Magar iis baar bhi koi solid reason nahi mil payi.
.
I may have had no idea what to say to his dad..but still I was eager to see Ronnie again.
toh Main-door ki taraf mai badhne laga.
maine darwaaze par knock kiya aur khulne ka wait karne laga.
anxiety se mera stomach ab kuch upset hone laga..
.
Darwaza khula
Uske dad thhe darwaaze par.
"Gud Morning Steve Uncle," -maine juthe confidence ke saath puchha- "is Ronnie there please?"
.
"No, he's not here," -kuch confusing aawaz mein unhone respond kiya- "he was to come last night, but didn't turn up. I assume he might have forgotten"
.
of course, muje koi dhakka nahi laga, ye suunkar, magar fir bhi, mera dil baithne laga.
.
"Ohhh..ok, no problem Uncle. Sorry to bother you."
"Everything ok?"
"Yeah. Just couldn't remember where he was stopping last night," -maine juth kaha- "but I'll find him."
unhe agar koi fikr ho rahi ho, toh use hataane ke liye maine halki si mazakiya smile apne chehre par present kar di
.
Hamre kuch common-friends hai,
ab usko fon karke puchna maine munasib samja.
toh ghar ja kar uske uun dosto ko call karna tha, ab.
Mai fir bike par sawaar ho gaya, aur ghar aa gaya.
.
Har call ke baad mera dil aur bhi bhaari hota chala.
No one was knowing Ronnie's whereabouts.
No one had heard from him nor seen him.
.
Ab meri aakhri ummid thi, Richard, uska bada bhai.
usey call lagaya..
and I waited anxiously for him to answer his fon.
.
'Hi Dina, -maine uski girl friend ki aawaz suun kar usey greet kiya. Richard was staying with her in a live-in relationship.
"oh..hello Nikhil, "
"may i speak to Richie.."
"just hang on, he's on another fon"
.
uski wait karte karte meri dsperation aur bhi badhti gayi
and when he answered my call, definitely he must have heard that despration in my voice.
"Richie, is Ronnie there? Have you heard from him..?"
"No, should I have done..?" Richard ne calmly reply kiya.
.
mai apni frustration jyada der chhipa nahi paya.
muuh se ek aah ke saath sath, apne nasib ko kosti hui ek gaali nikal padi.
I needed to talk to Ronnie
but where the hell was he..?
.
"What's happened Nikhil?"
Richard was Ronnie's older brother,
aur usey agar pata chale ke exactly what I have done,
then..he would smack me and make sure that Ronnie never spoke to me again.
.
"last night after we had a bit of a row, he didn't come home." -thoda awkward feel karte hue maine reply kiya
"Well have you tried Dad's or his friend's?"
"Yes and yes.." -maine mayusi se kaha- "no one has heard anything."
.
"then he might have just slept in his car, Nikhil. Don't worry too much, I'm sure he'll be back soon." -usne muje confidence ke saath assure kiya- "you always kiss him and make up after the tiffs, right..?"
.
Richard aur Steve-uncle, dono mere aur Ronnie ki relationship se kaafi comfortable thhe.
After the death of Ronnie' mom, uske dad ne, mom-dad dono ka farz ada kiya hai aur utna hi pyar diya hai, apne ladko ko.
Ghar mein kaafi friendly atmosphere banaaye rakhne ki hamesha unki koshish rahi.
They are portuguese christians. Aur 1961 mein azaadi ke baad jo kuch thode bahut portuguese, India chhor kar nahi gaye, balke yahi Daman mein, bass gaye, unme se ek family iinki bhi hai.
Ham dono ke gay relationship ko shuru ke kuch resistance ke baad, unho ne accept kar liya hai.
waise bhi, apne ladko ki khushi mein hi Steve-uncle ne apni khushi dekhi hai, hamesha.
Richard is nearly of my age.
aur woh bhi ab hamare iis relationship se ab kaafi comfortable ho chuka tha.
he knew how easily i solved the small problems between myself and Ronnie.
toh uski baat mein ek confidence tha ke nothing can go wrong between us.
but i was not as confident as him, because i knew, this time we had had more than just a small arguement. In fact no arguement at all..
.
"Thanks Richie, I'll let you know when he turns up." mai apne aap par reham khaate hue badbadaya.
"Cheers Nikhil, see you around..!"
maine fon disconnect kar diya
.
and immediately tried to call on Ronnie's number, praying that he would answer it,
so that.. atleast I'll be re-assured that he was safe.
magar..
uska fon toh switched off tha..!
.
"Fuck..!" -bike ke handle par apna haath patakte hue mai chillaya.
yeh jaan'na mere liye jaruri tha, ke he was safe.
It wasn't like Ronnie to shut everyone out.
kabhi ham dono mein behas hoti aur dono mein se ek gussey se bahar chala jaata
toh bhi Ronnie hamesha kisi na kisi se baat jarur karta tha.
Mostly toh apne dad se hi, taa ke apne dil ka saara ubaal woh nikal pa kar usey halka kar sakey.
fortunately abhi tak, uske dad ke mere baare mein views negative nahi hue thhe. He is still quiet a considerate old man.
.
Mai ghar ke andar bhaga, shayad meri absence mein woh fir se laut aaya ho.
paaglo ki tarah har kamre ko chhaan mara.
all rooms were empty which fuelled my growing panic.
.
He was not a drinker too. so it was unlikely that he would be drowning his sorrows in a bar.
Besides, woh apna wallet bhi saath le kar nahi gaya..
toh uskey paas koi paise bhi nahi honge, iin sab ke liye.
.
mai police mein missing-report bhi nahi de sakta tha, kyo ke abhi koi jyada waqt nahi guzra tha.
magar fir muje ek khayal aaya.
maine apne bed ke nichey ki raddi-pasti mein se apni phone-book nikali
aur hospitals ko call karne laga.
.
I would never wish to find out that he was injured, or something like that.
magar mere dil ka hissa yehi chahta tha ke woh, bataur ek patient, kisi hospital mein admitted ho, taa ke mai usey pa saku, usey dekh saku and tasalli kar saku ke wo salamat hai.
.
I called six hospitals and he wasn't admitted in any of them.
mere haath ab kaampne lage
aur apni helplessness par muje rona aa rha tha.
.
ab mai Ronnie ko waapas pana nahi chah rha tha..
wherever he was, i simply begged for him to be all-right.
I started to worry ke usne koi beokuufi kar li hogi. apni car kisi anjaan sumsaan jagah par crash kar di hogi, aur abhi tak koi usey dekh tak nahi paya hoga.
.
As I feared the possibility of different scenarios, the pain in my heart became more and more intense and I cried harder.
.
Maine decide kar liya ke ab mai apni bike par, purey Daman-city ki har galli ko chhaan marunga. even yaha ke sea-beach tak ko..
maine apne aap ko convince karna chaha ke he will be fine, but us'sey meri pain aur panic mein koi kami nahi hui.
.
for about an hour or more, mai usey dhundta rha, magar kuch nahi ho paya.
Ham dono jaha pehli baar miley thhe uus LOGO naam ke bar mein bhi ja kar aaya.
shayad apni pehli mulaqaat ko yaad karta hua paunga usey.
magar nahi.
.
tabhi aur ek jagah muje yaad aayi.
The cementery...!
kabrastaan..!
yes, woh yahi hoga..!
.
2 saal pehle ki tarah, ab woh har roz nahi jata hai, waha.
apne bhai Rocky ki kabar par ja kar comfort paane ki uski aadat, ab kam hoti chali thi
magar jab kabhi bhi woh mayuus ya udaas hota, toh definitely woh yahi aa jata.
Ronnie mere saath rehne ko aaya, us'se bas kuch hi arsa pehle Rockie ki maut ho gayi thi.
Dono bhai ek duje ke bahut hi karib thhe, toh yeh ek gehre se gehra sadma tha Ronnie ke liye.
I had tried my best to help him, through it.
and in the past year he only went to visit the grave, when he really felt like there was no one for him.
.
Pichhli baar woh uus kabar par tabhi gaya tha jab uski, apne dad ke saath, kisi baat par ladaai ho gayi thhi,
aur maine bhi beokuuf ki tarah uske dad ki side li thi.
Toh woh drive karte hue wahiin chala gaya tha, aur tab muje maluum tha ke woh kaha gaya hoga.
.
Ab ki baar bhi wahii gaya hoga, aisa khyaal muje pehle kyo nahi aaya uski koi idea nahi muje.
how stupid..!
.
Jaise hi mai church ki aur badha ke maine waha Ronnie ki car dekhi.
Maine apni bike uske pichhe dump kar di aur Rockie ki kabar ki aur dauda.
Cementery ke pichhle wale hissey mien thi, woh.
.
Duur se hi maine Ronnie ko dekha, kabar ki bagal mei baitha hua.
apni chaal maine dhimi kar di..taa ki meri fuuli hui saanse control mein aa jaaye.
uski suji hui aankho se aansu behte hue dekhe maine.
chhoti chhoti siskiyo ke nikalne par, uska nichla honth thartharata tha.
maine usey itna upset kabhi nahi dekha tha.
aisa lagta tha, ke woh ghanto se ro rha hoga.
Rocky ki kabar ke head-stone ke baaju mein, apne ghutono ke bich woh apni chin daba kar baitha hua tha.
.
meri aankhe bhi gili hoti chali.
uske iird-giird apni baahein faila kar usey comfort dene ke liye mein betaab ho uutha. magar mai jaanta tha.. ke he will push me away.
.
yeh sab maine kiya tha usey.
I had caused the love of my life to crumble into an emotional mess.
I made him feel so rejected, so hurt and so alone that he had turned to his dead brother for some comfort.
Woh apne Dad ke paas kyo nahi gaya? woh usey hug karte. aur atleast ek kandha toh milta usey, jispar sar rakhkar woh ro sakta..
.
Jaise mai kareeb gaya toh usne upar bhi nahi dekha,
meri presence ki usey jaankaari tak nahi hui, shayad
.
toh ahista se mai uski bagal mein duubak kar baith gaya.
fir bhi woh bilkul hila-dula nahi,
aur na hi usne Rockie ke head-stone ko taakna bandh kiya.
.
muje samaj mein nahi aa rha tha ke mai usey touch karu, ya us'se kuch kahu ta ki usey mehsuus ho ke woh akela nahi, yaha.
meri dhokhedaazi ne mere lover ki condition ko itni karibi se dekhne ke baad mere aansuo par mera koi kaabu nahi rha. I lost my control over them.
.
Itni sentimental condition mein bhi kaafi saawdhani ke saath, maine Ronnie ke kandhe ke aas-paas apni baanh faila di.
and surprisingly, he did not resist..usne koi pratirodh nahi kiya.
.
meri gardan par apna chehra rakhne ke liye woh actually thoda sa jhuka bhi.
Uske gaal par maine apna gaal rakha, toh woh meri shirt pakad kar betahasha tarike se rone laga.
Mai uske saath roya.
Muje kaafi relief mili ke at last maine usey dhuund liya..
zinda..aur salamat..!
.
aur sabse important yeh ke woh meri affection ko reject nahi kar rha tha.
"I love you so much," -I whispered as I held on tight, to his trembling body.
.
pata nahi kitni der, may be half an hour, hamdono aise hi baithe rahe,
tab tak ke hamare aansu behna ruuk gaye.
.
fir Ronnie thoda sa hila-dula, toh maine apni pakad dhili kar di.
aisa hotey hi Ronnie mujse alag ho gaya.
Usne apni thaki hui aankho ko pochha.
Magar ab bhi woh meri taraf dekh nahi raha tha.
.
Mai tuutne laga.
Hamare beech mein jo distance woh rakh raha tha, woh horrible tha mere liye.
Mai uski aankho ki chamak fir se dekhna chahta tha.
aur uska woh khul kar hansna, jis'se saaf pata chal pata ke woh muje chahta hai, ab bhi.
.
apne aap ko hold karne ke liye usne muje allow toh kiya tha,
but I knew he was still tensed and hesitant.
Ronnie khada hua
aur niche zameen par apni nazar tikaaye hue mujse kaha- 'I'm going to my Dad's.."
.
"come back home, so we can talk" -maine request ki.
magar usne sar hilaya aur chal dene ke liye muuda.
mai uske saath saath chane laga, aur uska haath pakadna chaha magar usne muje aisa karne nahi diya.
"Please Ronnie," I said quietly, "Come home."
magar usne apni aankhe pochhi aur kuch na kehna jaari rakha.
uski car tak maine usey follow kiya, yehi prarthna karte hue ke car mein baithne se pehle woh muje kahega ke woh ghar aa rha hai.
"I'll send my Dad round, to get some stuff for me." -usne tut'ti hui aawaz mein kaha.
"No Ronnie, please, we need to talk. We need to sort things out."
"I'm not ready to talk to you." -uskii aawaaz ke saath ek aur siski bhi nikal aayi
woh ab bhi meri taraf dekhne ko raazi nahi tha.
"When..when can we...?" ab meri aawaaz tuut rahi thi.
magar usne bass sirf... apne kandhe jhaad diye. (contd...)
.
===============================
magar fir niche bistar se ja takraya.
Just for a moment I had completely forgotten about last night.,
lekin achanak ek zordaar thappad ki tarah, har dardnaak detail muje yaad aa gayi.
mera haath ki mutthi bandh gayi
aur anjaane mein hi..
mai muthi mein bed-sheet ko masalne laga, as if ke is'se kuch raahat milegi.
.
soney ke liye, kal raat muje kaafi struggle karni padi.
hamaare beech is'se pehle bhi kai ek baar arguements hui hai, magar bistar mein jaane ke baad, soney se pehle ham har complain ko sort-out kar hi paate thhe.
.
But last-night, na toh woh arguement karne ke liye haazir tha,
aur na hi usey solve karne ke liye.
due to that, a dull ache had decended over my body for not knowing where i stood without Ronnie, while trying to drift off to sleep.
.
usne muje jab bedroom mein Aasif ke saath dekha, uus waqt ke uske chehre ke expressions ko mai bhula nahi pa raha tha.
Woh bilkul chillaya nahi tha, na hi temper lose kiya tha,
bas uski aankhe bhar aayi thi..
aur aankho se kai guuna jyada uska dil ro raha tha, jo ke uske chehre se saaf dikhaai de rha tha.
uska wohi chehra meri nazro ke saamne se hat'ta nahi tha.
.
I felt physically sick from guilt;
I couldn't believe I had allowed myself to hurt Ronnie so much.
It wasn't going to be easy getting him back.
.
.
Maine office mein call kar ke keh diya ke mai afternoon tak office nahi aa paunga.
Bistar se apne aap ko khinch kar mai wash-room mein gaya.
Aur daily routine nipta kar ready ho gaya.
Apni bike le kar mai Ronnie ke dad ke ghar ki aur nikal pada.
.
Bahut hi maayus subah thi.
Baadlo se aakash bhara hua tha, aur kabhi bhi baarish hone ke aasaar nazar aa rahe thhe.
apni bike Ronnie ke dad ke ghar ke bahar park karte samay, fir se mai sochne laga ke unse mai kya reason du, ke kyo maine Ronnie ko cheat kiya hai.
Magar iis baar bhi koi solid reason nahi mil payi.
.
I may have had no idea what to say to his dad..but still I was eager to see Ronnie again.
toh Main-door ki taraf mai badhne laga.
maine darwaaze par knock kiya aur khulne ka wait karne laga.
anxiety se mera stomach ab kuch upset hone laga..
.
Darwaza khula
Uske dad thhe darwaaze par.
"Gud Morning Steve Uncle," -maine juthe confidence ke saath puchha- "is Ronnie there please?"
.
"No, he's not here," -kuch confusing aawaz mein unhone respond kiya- "he was to come last night, but didn't turn up. I assume he might have forgotten"
.
of course, muje koi dhakka nahi laga, ye suunkar, magar fir bhi, mera dil baithne laga.
.
"Ohhh..ok, no problem Uncle. Sorry to bother you."
"Everything ok?"
"Yeah. Just couldn't remember where he was stopping last night," -maine juth kaha- "but I'll find him."
unhe agar koi fikr ho rahi ho, toh use hataane ke liye maine halki si mazakiya smile apne chehre par present kar di
.
Hamre kuch common-friends hai,
ab usko fon karke puchna maine munasib samja.
toh ghar ja kar uske uun dosto ko call karna tha, ab.
Mai fir bike par sawaar ho gaya, aur ghar aa gaya.
.
Har call ke baad mera dil aur bhi bhaari hota chala.
No one was knowing Ronnie's whereabouts.
No one had heard from him nor seen him.
.
Ab meri aakhri ummid thi, Richard, uska bada bhai.
usey call lagaya..
and I waited anxiously for him to answer his fon.
.
'Hi Dina, -maine uski girl friend ki aawaz suun kar usey greet kiya. Richard was staying with her in a live-in relationship.
"oh..hello Nikhil, "
"may i speak to Richie.."
"just hang on, he's on another fon"
.
uski wait karte karte meri dsperation aur bhi badhti gayi
and when he answered my call, definitely he must have heard that despration in my voice.
"Richie, is Ronnie there? Have you heard from him..?"
"No, should I have done..?" Richard ne calmly reply kiya.
.
mai apni frustration jyada der chhipa nahi paya.
muuh se ek aah ke saath sath, apne nasib ko kosti hui ek gaali nikal padi.
I needed to talk to Ronnie
but where the hell was he..?
.
"What's happened Nikhil?"
Richard was Ronnie's older brother,
aur usey agar pata chale ke exactly what I have done,
then..he would smack me and make sure that Ronnie never spoke to me again.
.
"last night after we had a bit of a row, he didn't come home." -thoda awkward feel karte hue maine reply kiya
"Well have you tried Dad's or his friend's?"
"Yes and yes.." -maine mayusi se kaha- "no one has heard anything."
.
"then he might have just slept in his car, Nikhil. Don't worry too much, I'm sure he'll be back soon." -usne muje confidence ke saath assure kiya- "you always kiss him and make up after the tiffs, right..?"
.
Richard aur Steve-uncle, dono mere aur Ronnie ki relationship se kaafi comfortable thhe.
After the death of Ronnie' mom, uske dad ne, mom-dad dono ka farz ada kiya hai aur utna hi pyar diya hai, apne ladko ko.
Ghar mein kaafi friendly atmosphere banaaye rakhne ki hamesha unki koshish rahi.
They are portuguese christians. Aur 1961 mein azaadi ke baad jo kuch thode bahut portuguese, India chhor kar nahi gaye, balke yahi Daman mein, bass gaye, unme se ek family iinki bhi hai.
Ham dono ke gay relationship ko shuru ke kuch resistance ke baad, unho ne accept kar liya hai.
waise bhi, apne ladko ki khushi mein hi Steve-uncle ne apni khushi dekhi hai, hamesha.
Richard is nearly of my age.
aur woh bhi ab hamare iis relationship se ab kaafi comfortable ho chuka tha.
he knew how easily i solved the small problems between myself and Ronnie.
toh uski baat mein ek confidence tha ke nothing can go wrong between us.
but i was not as confident as him, because i knew, this time we had had more than just a small arguement. In fact no arguement at all..
.
"Thanks Richie, I'll let you know when he turns up." mai apne aap par reham khaate hue badbadaya.
"Cheers Nikhil, see you around..!"
maine fon disconnect kar diya
.
and immediately tried to call on Ronnie's number, praying that he would answer it,
so that.. atleast I'll be re-assured that he was safe.
magar..
uska fon toh switched off tha..!
.
"Fuck..!" -bike ke handle par apna haath patakte hue mai chillaya.
yeh jaan'na mere liye jaruri tha, ke he was safe.
It wasn't like Ronnie to shut everyone out.
kabhi ham dono mein behas hoti aur dono mein se ek gussey se bahar chala jaata
toh bhi Ronnie hamesha kisi na kisi se baat jarur karta tha.
Mostly toh apne dad se hi, taa ke apne dil ka saara ubaal woh nikal pa kar usey halka kar sakey.
fortunately abhi tak, uske dad ke mere baare mein views negative nahi hue thhe. He is still quiet a considerate old man.
.
Mai ghar ke andar bhaga, shayad meri absence mein woh fir se laut aaya ho.
paaglo ki tarah har kamre ko chhaan mara.
all rooms were empty which fuelled my growing panic.
.
He was not a drinker too. so it was unlikely that he would be drowning his sorrows in a bar.
Besides, woh apna wallet bhi saath le kar nahi gaya..
toh uskey paas koi paise bhi nahi honge, iin sab ke liye.
.
mai police mein missing-report bhi nahi de sakta tha, kyo ke abhi koi jyada waqt nahi guzra tha.
magar fir muje ek khayal aaya.
maine apne bed ke nichey ki raddi-pasti mein se apni phone-book nikali
aur hospitals ko call karne laga.
.
I would never wish to find out that he was injured, or something like that.
magar mere dil ka hissa yehi chahta tha ke woh, bataur ek patient, kisi hospital mein admitted ho, taa ke mai usey pa saku, usey dekh saku and tasalli kar saku ke wo salamat hai.
.
I called six hospitals and he wasn't admitted in any of them.
mere haath ab kaampne lage
aur apni helplessness par muje rona aa rha tha.
.
ab mai Ronnie ko waapas pana nahi chah rha tha..
wherever he was, i simply begged for him to be all-right.
I started to worry ke usne koi beokuufi kar li hogi. apni car kisi anjaan sumsaan jagah par crash kar di hogi, aur abhi tak koi usey dekh tak nahi paya hoga.
.
As I feared the possibility of different scenarios, the pain in my heart became more and more intense and I cried harder.
.
Maine decide kar liya ke ab mai apni bike par, purey Daman-city ki har galli ko chhaan marunga. even yaha ke sea-beach tak ko..
maine apne aap ko convince karna chaha ke he will be fine, but us'sey meri pain aur panic mein koi kami nahi hui.
.
for about an hour or more, mai usey dhundta rha, magar kuch nahi ho paya.
Ham dono jaha pehli baar miley thhe uus LOGO naam ke bar mein bhi ja kar aaya.
shayad apni pehli mulaqaat ko yaad karta hua paunga usey.
magar nahi.
.
tabhi aur ek jagah muje yaad aayi.
The cementery...!
kabrastaan..!
yes, woh yahi hoga..!
.
2 saal pehle ki tarah, ab woh har roz nahi jata hai, waha.
apne bhai Rocky ki kabar par ja kar comfort paane ki uski aadat, ab kam hoti chali thi
magar jab kabhi bhi woh mayuus ya udaas hota, toh definitely woh yahi aa jata.
Ronnie mere saath rehne ko aaya, us'se bas kuch hi arsa pehle Rockie ki maut ho gayi thi.
Dono bhai ek duje ke bahut hi karib thhe, toh yeh ek gehre se gehra sadma tha Ronnie ke liye.
I had tried my best to help him, through it.
and in the past year he only went to visit the grave, when he really felt like there was no one for him.
.
Pichhli baar woh uus kabar par tabhi gaya tha jab uski, apne dad ke saath, kisi baat par ladaai ho gayi thhi,
aur maine bhi beokuuf ki tarah uske dad ki side li thi.
Toh woh drive karte hue wahiin chala gaya tha, aur tab muje maluum tha ke woh kaha gaya hoga.
.
Ab ki baar bhi wahii gaya hoga, aisa khyaal muje pehle kyo nahi aaya uski koi idea nahi muje.
how stupid..!
.
Jaise hi mai church ki aur badha ke maine waha Ronnie ki car dekhi.
Maine apni bike uske pichhe dump kar di aur Rockie ki kabar ki aur dauda.
Cementery ke pichhle wale hissey mien thi, woh.
.
Duur se hi maine Ronnie ko dekha, kabar ki bagal mei baitha hua.
apni chaal maine dhimi kar di..taa ki meri fuuli hui saanse control mein aa jaaye.
uski suji hui aankho se aansu behte hue dekhe maine.
chhoti chhoti siskiyo ke nikalne par, uska nichla honth thartharata tha.
maine usey itna upset kabhi nahi dekha tha.
aisa lagta tha, ke woh ghanto se ro rha hoga.
Rocky ki kabar ke head-stone ke baaju mein, apne ghutono ke bich woh apni chin daba kar baitha hua tha.
.
meri aankhe bhi gili hoti chali.
uske iird-giird apni baahein faila kar usey comfort dene ke liye mein betaab ho uutha. magar mai jaanta tha.. ke he will push me away.
.
yeh sab maine kiya tha usey.
I had caused the love of my life to crumble into an emotional mess.
I made him feel so rejected, so hurt and so alone that he had turned to his dead brother for some comfort.
Woh apne Dad ke paas kyo nahi gaya? woh usey hug karte. aur atleast ek kandha toh milta usey, jispar sar rakhkar woh ro sakta..
.
Jaise mai kareeb gaya toh usne upar bhi nahi dekha,
meri presence ki usey jaankaari tak nahi hui, shayad
.
toh ahista se mai uski bagal mein duubak kar baith gaya.
fir bhi woh bilkul hila-dula nahi,
aur na hi usne Rockie ke head-stone ko taakna bandh kiya.
.
muje samaj mein nahi aa rha tha ke mai usey touch karu, ya us'se kuch kahu ta ki usey mehsuus ho ke woh akela nahi, yaha.
meri dhokhedaazi ne mere lover ki condition ko itni karibi se dekhne ke baad mere aansuo par mera koi kaabu nahi rha. I lost my control over them.
.
Itni sentimental condition mein bhi kaafi saawdhani ke saath, maine Ronnie ke kandhe ke aas-paas apni baanh faila di.
and surprisingly, he did not resist..usne koi pratirodh nahi kiya.
.
meri gardan par apna chehra rakhne ke liye woh actually thoda sa jhuka bhi.
Uske gaal par maine apna gaal rakha, toh woh meri shirt pakad kar betahasha tarike se rone laga.
Mai uske saath roya.
Muje kaafi relief mili ke at last maine usey dhuund liya..
zinda..aur salamat..!
.
aur sabse important yeh ke woh meri affection ko reject nahi kar rha tha.
"I love you so much," -I whispered as I held on tight, to his trembling body.
.
pata nahi kitni der, may be half an hour, hamdono aise hi baithe rahe,
tab tak ke hamare aansu behna ruuk gaye.
.
fir Ronnie thoda sa hila-dula, toh maine apni pakad dhili kar di.
aisa hotey hi Ronnie mujse alag ho gaya.
Usne apni thaki hui aankho ko pochha.
Magar ab bhi woh meri taraf dekh nahi raha tha.
.
Mai tuutne laga.
Hamare beech mein jo distance woh rakh raha tha, woh horrible tha mere liye.
Mai uski aankho ki chamak fir se dekhna chahta tha.
aur uska woh khul kar hansna, jis'se saaf pata chal pata ke woh muje chahta hai, ab bhi.
.
apne aap ko hold karne ke liye usne muje allow toh kiya tha,
but I knew he was still tensed and hesitant.
Ronnie khada hua
aur niche zameen par apni nazar tikaaye hue mujse kaha- 'I'm going to my Dad's.."
.
"come back home, so we can talk" -maine request ki.
magar usne sar hilaya aur chal dene ke liye muuda.
mai uske saath saath chane laga, aur uska haath pakadna chaha magar usne muje aisa karne nahi diya.
"Please Ronnie," I said quietly, "Come home."
magar usne apni aankhe pochhi aur kuch na kehna jaari rakha.
uski car tak maine usey follow kiya, yehi prarthna karte hue ke car mein baithne se pehle woh muje kahega ke woh ghar aa rha hai.
"I'll send my Dad round, to get some stuff for me." -usne tut'ti hui aawaz mein kaha.
"No Ronnie, please, we need to talk. We need to sort things out."
"I'm not ready to talk to you." -uskii aawaaz ke saath ek aur siski bhi nikal aayi
woh ab bhi meri taraf dekhne ko raazi nahi tha.
"When..when can we...?" ab meri aawaaz tuut rahi thi.
magar usne bass sirf... apne kandhe jhaad diye. (contd...)
.
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