( Note: Guys, kehne ko toh yeh ek hindi story hai, but you must have noticed ke iisme
english ka usage kuch jyada hi ho raha hai.
Pata nahi kyo, magar muje lag rha hai ke yeh story jitni english mein achchi tarah mai pesh kar sakta hu utni, shayad hindi mein na kar paau.
I hope u guys wudn't mind about this.
waise bhi mai jab sochta hu, toh, I think in english, and then translate it in hindi.
toh sometimes hindi translation itni effective nahi ho paati. Bear with me guys..
aur dusri baat yeh ke story ka ek character portuguese christian hai,
toh uske muuh se hindi nahi bulwa kar, maine uske saath wali puri conversation english mein hi rakhi hai, which should look natural.
Ek personal reason yeh bhi hai, ke mera ek boy-friend tha, jiski hindi kaafi weak thi,
toh uske saath mera pyar, meri ladaai, arguments-behas sab kuchh english mein hi hoti thi.
yeh story likhte waqt, wohi ladka mere dil-o-dimaag mein rehta hai..
that's all..!
agar aap ko lage ke english ke badle hindi mein conversation honi chaiye, toh tell me, I'll write it that way.. )
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"Please Ronnie," -maine halke suur mein kaha..
apne jaan se pyaare dilbar ke saath dhokedaazi karte waqt hi, range haatho pakde jaane ke baad, woh naraaz ho kar muje chhor kar chala gaya.
uska naraaz hona laazmi tha; mai isi ke laayak tha.
ab mai usey apne ghar waapas laut aane ki ji-jaan se koshish kar rha tha.
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"Come home." -I said quietly
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magar usne apni aankhe pochhi aur kuch na kehna jaari rakha.
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"I'll send my Dad round, to get some stuff for me." -fir usne tut'ti hui aawaz mein kaha.
"No Ronnie, please, we need to talk. We need to sort things out."
"I'm not ready to talk to you." -uskii aawaaz ke saath ek aur siski bhi nikal aayi
woh ab bhi meri taraf dekhne ko raazi nahi tha.
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"When..when can we...?" ab baari thi, meri aawaaz ke tuutne ki.
magar usne bass sirf... apne kandhe jhaad diye.
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mai desperate tha ke Ronnie muje ek chance de, apne aap ko explain karne ke liye.
I wanted to hug him, to kiss him and make him smile again.
"Come round tomorrow...please.. I want us to talk...I need to explain...please Ronnie"
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Usne ghuum kar apni car ka darwaza khola; andar baithne se pehle woh ruuka..
"Ok.." -woh ekdam ahista se bola, aur car mein baith kar drive kar gaya.
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Uske jaane ke baad mai office gaya, kuch ghanto ke liye.
Kaam me dhyaan bantne se uske khyaal aate bandh ho jaayenge, aisa socha tha,
magr uski yaad ne pichha nahi chhora.
aisi behuda maine kabhi feel nahi kiya tha, apni life mein..
itna guilty.. itna sharminda..itni beokuf..
sach mein, muje ab laga raha tha, ke mai sachmuuch kaafi beokuuf tha aisi harqat karne ko.
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Ghar ja kar apne chhote se well-maintained (all credit to Ronnie) garden mein baith kar, mai cigarette ke dhuue mein apni fikr ko udane laga.
kitna akela..kitna dara hua.. feel kar rha tha mai.
.
fir, raat mein kuch bhi khaane se inkaar karte hue, maine apne aap ko bistar ke hawaale kar diya.
I was feeling like a shit..
and i deserved that..
Ronnie ke takiye ko kass ke pakad kar usme bachi kuuchi Ronnie ke badan ki mahek ko mehsuus karte karte, mai so gaya.
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Dusri subah hi maine Ronnie ko SMS kiya tha yeh puchhne ke liye, ke what time he is
coming around.
Magar mid-afternoon tak usne koi reply nahi diya tha.
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Din-bhar office mein apne aap ko busy rakhne ki try karta raha.
Hardam apne laptop ko lekar baitha raha.
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Magar ab meri petience jawaab de rahi thi.
Mai aur intazaar nahi kar pa rha tha.
Maine usey call kiya.
Magar muje tajjub hua, ke pehli hi try mein usne fon receive kar liya.
Maine toh socha tha ke muje kai ek baar try karni padegi.
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"Ronnie?"
"Yeah?" -uska suur bilkul thanda halka tha
"W-what time you coming round?" -maine puchha.
betaabi meri aawaz mein saaf jhalak rahi thi.
magr muje koi parwaah nahi thi.
.
kuch palo ke liye ek jaanleva khamoshi chhaai rahi, jo ek darr paida kar rhi thi ke kya jawaab dega woh.
iis intazaar ki ghadi mein mere haath thande hote chale,
yehi dua thi, ke kahi usne apna mind change na kar diya ho.
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"I don't know.." -uski aawaz mein chhipi siski ki kampan thi.
"I love you so much" -maine bina kuch soche jawaab diya.
aur apni hatheli par apna sar tika kar apni aankhe muunde raha mai.
soch raha tha ke aage kya kahu ke woh yaha aane ke liye raazi ho jaaye, aur muje apne aap ko explain karne ka, usey waapas jeet lene ka aisa ek mauka de, jiske liye mai laayak bhi nahi tha.
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"please Ronnie, we need to talk"
"seven" -aawaaz mein jabardasti paida ki hui sakhti ke saath woh bola- "I'll come by seven."
"shall I cook some..."
"no, " -meri baat ko kaat'te hue woh bola- "I'll come for an hour. I need to get some things anyway."
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do buund aansuo ki mere chehre se tapak kar nichey giri.
I didn't want him to only stay for an hour and fuck off.
I wanted him back; I wanted him to stay; I needed him not to leave again.
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"aa.." -I started to say, magar usne fon kaat diya.
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FUCK..maine fon apne desk par patak diya
tabhi kisi ne meri cabin ke darwaaze par knock kiya.
I had totally forgotten that i was in the office
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Maine apni aankhein pochh li ;
apni peeth pichhe tika kar dono pair aaram se faila diye.
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Solomon, of the technical support department, came inside.
"You alright Nikhil?" -usne concern ke saath puchha
"Yeah, "what's up..?"
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Soloman mujse thoda sa short, aur ek slim magar achchi personality wala, good-looking ladka tha, umar Ronnie ke jitni hi, yaani ke mujse kuch saal chhota.
Office mein yeh ek hi banda tha, jiske saath mein kuch kuch intimate tha,
magar fir bhi personal baatein share nahi hoti thi, ham dono mein
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"nothing much, but you alright mate..? You look...tired?"
"Honestly.. I'm fine."
"ok.. I just need to check some network details on your laptop, if that's ok.."
"Yeah no problem." -apni chair se uthte hue maine kaha- "I need to pop outside, so I'll leave you to it." -usko ek weak smile dete hue, maine apna fon utha kar usey kaha
aur office se bahar nikal liya.
.
Bike ke golve-box se ja kar cigs ka pack nikala aur unmein se ek jalaayi.
Ronnie ki absence ki wajah se jo heavy feelings aa rahi thi, usey mai fed-up ho chuka tha,
magar mai jaanta tha,
ke jab tak Ronnie laut kar nahi aata, iin se mera chhutkara nahi hone wala.
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Fon par nazar daali to ek text-message aaya hua tha.
I had totally forgotten that my fon was on a silent-mode.
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magar..
I wish I had not read it though, bcoz it made me want to break-down and sob.
I bitterly switched-off my fon and chucked it in my pocket.
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aur fir apna nichla honth daanto taley zor se daba diya, apne aap ko rone se rokne ke
liye.
Usne jo ek sentence likha tha, woh chhota sa tha, magar kaafi jaanleva.."I hate you..'
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ghar ja kar shave-shower se pehle maine ghar ko thoda sa thik-thaak kar liya.
I wanted to look my best for Ronnie,
toh Shower ke baad, baalo mein gel laga kar unhe chamka liya,
Ronnie ki pasand ki Calvin Klien ki Summer Pefume chhidak di.
Apni best-fitting jeans pehan kar, woh tank-top pehni, jiski Ronnie hardam taarif kiye rehta hai.
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agar kuch success nahi hua, toh iis tarah Ronnie ko seduce karne ka plan bhi thoda thoda mere dimaag mein tha.
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fir aaine mein apne aap ko dekha
mai koi bollywood-star ke jitna handsome na sahi, magar fir bhi good-looking banda hu,
5.9 ki height aur 68-70kg ka sehatmand, muscle-toned badan meri personality ko kaafi attractive banata hai.
hafte mein 3 din mai work-out ke liye jata hu magar pichle 4weeks se nahi ja paya hu,
toh thoda sa unfit lag rha tha, magar mere broad shoulders uski kami puuri karte hai.
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Yeh wohi shoulders hai, sex karte waqt jisme aksar Ronnie apne nakhuun chubho deta hai.
Uske naakhun jyada bade toh nahi hai, magar fir bhi woh kuch kharonch toh de hi dete hai.
Kabhi kabhi toh khoon bhi nikal aata hai.
magar fir bhi ham wohi missionary-style mein sex karna pasand karte hai, kyo ke iis position mein, mai uski aankho mein aanke daal kar usey meri penetration enjoy karte mai dekh sakta hu.
Jab woh apni orgasm ke kareeb hota hai, tab woh behadd khubsurat lagta hai.
uski palkein ekdam bojhal ho jaati hai, jab woh meri aur taakte taakte, kilkaariyo ke beech apne haatho se apni climax achieve karta hai.
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Dusro ke saath, mai yeh position kabhi try nahi karta.
Unhe toh bas khade khade, aage jhuka kar..
becoz I dont fuck others for intimacy, I just fuck them for pleasure.
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Ronnie ke saath mai dusri ek position bhi try karta rehta hu kai ek baar.
for example jab sofa par hota hai sex,
toh apni gode mein bitha kar penetrate karte hue, mai uske purey badan par apne haath
pasaarta hu, uski gardan ko kiss karte karte, uske ozaar ko apne haatho ki karamaat se uski manzil dikhata hu.
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I needed to stop thinking about sex.
bcoz I didn't have time to take care of a hard-on, right now.
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Before it reached 7 o'clock, I quickly changed the bedding, kyo ke iispar aakhri kaun soya tha iis baat ka khyaal aate hi, Ronnie iis par sona bilkul pasand nahi karega.
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Fir mai uska intazaar karne laga.
Maine apna fon switch-on kiya, magar yehi dua karta raha, ke Ronnie ki aur se fir se koi aisa hurtful text-msg na aaya ho.
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magar ek msg tha Richard ka- "You fucking scumbag..!"
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aah..
it means Ronnie ne atleast apne ghar mein kuch toh baat kar hi li hai.
thoda sa toh halka ho liya hai woh.
chalo achcha hai..
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tabhi maine darwaaze par knock suna, aur maine fon drawer mein rakh diya.
I couldn't believe it, when i opened the door to see Ronnie.
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I felt surprisingly hurt too, that he had not just walked in.
He still lived here...this was OUR home.
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"Why did you knock?" I said sounding quiet and pathetic.
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Woh meri taraf dekh nahi raha tha;
he was just staring down at the floor.
I wanted to cry again. Cry and pull him into a hug.
Mai side par khiska aur woh andar aaya
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"I need to get some clothes." -woh badbadaya
"Ronnie, look at me." -maine urge kiya- "Please look at me...you're fucking killing me..."
"No." -dardnaak dheemi aawaz mein usne kaha.
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maine uska haath pakda;
usey khinch kar living-room mein lekar aaya;
aur mere paas bithaya.
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usne kisi bhi tarah resist nahi kiya.
uski aisi halat dekh kar meri feelings par se mera control jaata rha.
Woh khud bhi toh bilkul tuuta hua nazar aa rha tha.
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"I'm sorry." -maine siskiyo ke beech kaha- "I'm so sorry."
"Why Nikhil..?" -waise hi dheeme swar mein woh bola- "Why did you do it..? Why..? wasn't I enough for you..?"
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Mainie uske chehre ko apni hatheliyo me lekar usey meri taraf dekhne ko majbuur kiya.
"What I did, has nothing to do with you." -maine roti hui aawaaz mein jawab diya- "You're more than enough for me Ronnie, I swear.."
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Usne mere haatho ko dhakel kar khada hona chaha, magar maine aisa nahi hone diya.
Uski baanh pakad kar usey fir nichey sofa par khincha.
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"Ronnie -"
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"I didn't think you' would ever hurt me like this, Nikhil." -He sobbed- "I thought we were happy. I tried so hard to make you happy.."
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"You do make me happy. Everyday you make me happy." -I wept- "Ronnie I wouldn't exchange you for the whole world.."
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"Bullshit." -He whimpered- "You wouldn't cheat if you were happy.."
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Rehte rehte hamari siskiyaa kuch halki hokar sirf aansuo mein tabdil hoti gayi
aur meine realise kia ke mai abhi tak usey pakde hue hu, toh maine apni pakad dhili kar di.
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"Who was he? How long have you been...seeing him for?"
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Shit..!!!
Obviously, mai aise sawaalat ko expect toh kar hi raha tha,
magar I didn't know what to answer.
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Mai usey nahi batana chahta thha ke Aasif sirf akela ladka nahi hai, ke jiski wajah se maine usey cheat kiya hai.
Aur mai uus gay-bar "Woodoo", jaha mai frequently jaya karta tha, uska bhi zikar nahi karna chahta tha.
mai usey kabhi bhi aisa nahi keh sakta tha, ke Aasif ko mai Woo-doo mein mila tha..!!!
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toh.. I had to improvise.
"two weeks before." -maine jawaab diya, magar jhutha
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"Who is he? How do you know him?" -Ronnie ne shaky voice mein puchha.
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"We used to go to school together." -darrte hue mai aage bola- "He got in touch a few days ago and he asked me to go out for a drink, then one thing led to another."
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"Why...why...?" -aankho se fir aansu ke nikalte, uski aawaaz ko nikalne mein dikkat hone lagi
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Ronnie ko aur bhi jyada upset hote dekhna mere liye totally devastating tha.
I wanted to comfort him, and not feel him worse.
Mai usey halka feel karne ki koshish mein tha magar woh aur hi bojhal hue ja rha tha.
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"I don't know." - apni aawaz ke volume ko ho sake utna low karte hue maine bass itna hi jawab diya
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"Do you love him..? Seriously..?"
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"No Ronnie no, of course not. I love you and only you. It was just a plain sex with him, nothing else."
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'sex' ka naam suunte hi uske chehra dard se badsurat ho gaya,
shayad woh ek reminder tha uus raat ka jab usne muje aur Aasif ko woh karte hue pakad liya tha.
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"I need to know something," -usne kaampti hui aawaz mein puchha-. "At Rocky's funeral, when you disappeared for half an hour...were you with him?"
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Well that really fucking hurt..!!
I couldn't believe ke Ronnie aisi baat karega.
Uske bhai ki maiyat par bhi mai usey cheat karne mein busy tha.. waisa bhi woh sochne laga tha..!
mai itna giir gaya uski nigaho mein..?
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Uus maiyat ke din, Ronnie absolute mess condition mein tha.
Woh puuri tarah se tukdo mein bikhar chuka tha, apne chahite bhai ki laash ko dafnate hue dekh kar.
It was fucking heartbreaking to see him that way.
Whole the time woh muje pakad kar hi rakhta tha.
Maine apni best koshish kari thi usey samhaalne ki, use comfort dene ki.
Magar uski pain ko halka karna utna aasan nahi tha.
At one point I did sneak off..
but it was just for a cigarette.
Yeh khudgarzi thi, magar muje 5mins chahiye thi mere apne liye.
Ronnie ko itna guumsuum aur inconsolable dekh kar mera dil bhi itna tensed tha, ke ek cigrette shayad kuch relief de sakti hai, aisa muje laga tha.
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"No Ronnie." -I said quietly- "Like I said you, I've only been in touch with Aasif for a couple of weeks."
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"Aasif..? His name's Aasif..?" -he sounded so bitter now.
Ronnie ko ab ek naam mil gaya tha 'uus' ke liye.
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Maine uska haath thaamte hue haami bhari.
Ronnie mera haath chhura kar ab khada ho gaya,
aur abki baar maine usey pakad kar roka nahi.
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"Why did you do it Nikhil?" -He sobbed- "Why did you cheat on me?"
"I'm sorry. I really am. I never wanted to hurt you, I love you so much.."
"If you loved me, you wouldn't have slept with someone else.." -woh chilla utha- "Just tell me why you did it please. I need to know what wrong I did..."
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Woh ab khul kar ro rha tha
aur usey aisa dekhna bahut hi mushkil ho rha tha mere liye, especially jab ke mai jaanta tha, ke uski iis condition ke liye mai responsible hu.
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Wo yaha-waha ghuum rha tha, jaise ke samaj mein na aa rha ho, ke ab kya kare woh.
Apne baalo mein berehmi se woh ungliya chubho raha tha
aur uski aankho ke baandh tuut chuke thhe.
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Dusri aur, mai sofa par baitha tha,
mere jivan ke pyaar ko tukdo mein bant'te hue dekhta hua
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"You didn't do anything wrong, Ronnie" -I whimpered- "It was just sex Ronnie. Not even good sex. Not as good as when we –"
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"Shut up!" -woh fir se chilla utha- "Just tell me why. Nikhil tell me why you did it. There has to be a reason why you cheated on me..Was I not good enough in bed or something? Or -"
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"Ronnie you're perfect in every way. Trust me when I tell you that you've done NOTHING wrong, please.."
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"I'm not STUPID Nikhil..Everyone knows that there's always a reason for cheating, so just tell me..!"
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mai taajjub ho gaya ke ab muje Ronnie par gussa aa raha tha.
woh kyu meri baat nahi maan raha tha, ke iismein uska koi fault nahi hai.
Maine usey cheat kiya tha, kyo ke iisme se muje kaafi excitement milti thi.
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"I was selfish Ronnie. It was just a fuck. That's it. Nothing else." -maine firmly kaha- "believe me please.."
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"But why?" -woh bola- "Why didn't you...sleep with me, instead..?"
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Now...
this was torture.
He was clearly in emotional turmoil over the betrayal that I had committed.
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"I should have Ronnie...I'm sorry."
"Is sex with me boring..? Was it better with him..?" -uski aawaz ab firm hoti chali- "do you want us to do it in the way you did with him..?
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mai be-dhangi tarike se khada ho gaya.
I was desperate ke Ronnie meri baat suune aur use believe kare.
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No Ronnie." -maine request-tone mein kaha-. "I love sex with you. It's perfect. I wouldn't change anything about us, I promise. You're everything I would ever need Ronnie."
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"ok, have sex with me in the way you did with him." -usne shaky awaaz mein demand kari.
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"No Ronnie." -maine firm aawaz mein jawaab diya
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"Please. I know that's what you want. It'll make you happy, please.."
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"NO..!" -badhti hui frustration ke chalte, mai chilla utha
.
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dusre ladko ke saath jaise mera hota tha, waise Ronnie ke saath nahi ho sakta.
Mai Ronnie ko love karta tha, uska respect karta tha.
Woh koi aisa ladka nahi tha jo ke sirf fuck karne ke liye ho.
mai usey itna pyar karta tha, ke maans ke ek latthe ki tarah mai usey kabhi treat nahi kar sakta.
He deserved much more than that.
Meaningless shagging se, kai ek guuna jyada paane ke laayak tha, woh.
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"Why not Nikhil..? "Why not, if it'll make you happy with me, if it makes you not want to go elsewhere..."
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"I AM happy with you!" -I shouted- "I don't want to fuck you the way I do the others..! I just want us to go back to how we were before..!"
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mai fauran chuup ho gaya jab maine dekha ke woh muje ghuur raha hai.
Woh ab upset aur shocked, dono lag raha tha.
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"Others..? besides Aasif..? " -usne na maan'ne waali aawaz mein puchha.
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Fuck...!!!!!! (contd..)
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=======================
english ka usage kuch jyada hi ho raha hai.
Pata nahi kyo, magar muje lag rha hai ke yeh story jitni english mein achchi tarah mai pesh kar sakta hu utni, shayad hindi mein na kar paau.
I hope u guys wudn't mind about this.
waise bhi mai jab sochta hu, toh, I think in english, and then translate it in hindi.
toh sometimes hindi translation itni effective nahi ho paati. Bear with me guys..
aur dusri baat yeh ke story ka ek character portuguese christian hai,
toh uske muuh se hindi nahi bulwa kar, maine uske saath wali puri conversation english mein hi rakhi hai, which should look natural.
Ek personal reason yeh bhi hai, ke mera ek boy-friend tha, jiski hindi kaafi weak thi,
toh uske saath mera pyar, meri ladaai, arguments-behas sab kuchh english mein hi hoti thi.
yeh story likhte waqt, wohi ladka mere dil-o-dimaag mein rehta hai..
that's all..!
agar aap ko lage ke english ke badle hindi mein conversation honi chaiye, toh tell me, I'll write it that way.. )
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"Please Ronnie," -maine halke suur mein kaha..
apne jaan se pyaare dilbar ke saath dhokedaazi karte waqt hi, range haatho pakde jaane ke baad, woh naraaz ho kar muje chhor kar chala gaya.
uska naraaz hona laazmi tha; mai isi ke laayak tha.
ab mai usey apne ghar waapas laut aane ki ji-jaan se koshish kar rha tha.
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"Come home." -I said quietly
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magar usne apni aankhe pochhi aur kuch na kehna jaari rakha.
.
"I'll send my Dad round, to get some stuff for me." -fir usne tut'ti hui aawaz mein kaha.
"No Ronnie, please, we need to talk. We need to sort things out."
"I'm not ready to talk to you." -uskii aawaaz ke saath ek aur siski bhi nikal aayi
woh ab bhi meri taraf dekhne ko raazi nahi tha.
.
"When..when can we...?" ab baari thi, meri aawaaz ke tuutne ki.
magar usne bass sirf... apne kandhe jhaad diye.
.
mai desperate tha ke Ronnie muje ek chance de, apne aap ko explain karne ke liye.
I wanted to hug him, to kiss him and make him smile again.
"Come round tomorrow...please.. I want us to talk...I need to explain...please Ronnie"
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Usne ghuum kar apni car ka darwaza khola; andar baithne se pehle woh ruuka..
"Ok.." -woh ekdam ahista se bola, aur car mein baith kar drive kar gaya.
.
.
Uske jaane ke baad mai office gaya, kuch ghanto ke liye.
Kaam me dhyaan bantne se uske khyaal aate bandh ho jaayenge, aisa socha tha,
magr uski yaad ne pichha nahi chhora.
aisi behuda maine kabhi feel nahi kiya tha, apni life mein..
itna guilty.. itna sharminda..itni beokuf..
sach mein, muje ab laga raha tha, ke mai sachmuuch kaafi beokuuf tha aisi harqat karne ko.
.
.
Ghar ja kar apne chhote se well-maintained (all credit to Ronnie) garden mein baith kar, mai cigarette ke dhuue mein apni fikr ko udane laga.
kitna akela..kitna dara hua.. feel kar rha tha mai.
.
fir, raat mein kuch bhi khaane se inkaar karte hue, maine apne aap ko bistar ke hawaale kar diya.
I was feeling like a shit..
and i deserved that..
Ronnie ke takiye ko kass ke pakad kar usme bachi kuuchi Ronnie ke badan ki mahek ko mehsuus karte karte, mai so gaya.
.
Dusri subah hi maine Ronnie ko SMS kiya tha yeh puchhne ke liye, ke what time he is
coming around.
Magar mid-afternoon tak usne koi reply nahi diya tha.
.
Din-bhar office mein apne aap ko busy rakhne ki try karta raha.
Hardam apne laptop ko lekar baitha raha.
.
.
Magar ab meri petience jawaab de rahi thi.
Mai aur intazaar nahi kar pa rha tha.
Maine usey call kiya.
Magar muje tajjub hua, ke pehli hi try mein usne fon receive kar liya.
Maine toh socha tha ke muje kai ek baar try karni padegi.
.
"Ronnie?"
"Yeah?" -uska suur bilkul thanda halka tha
"W-what time you coming round?" -maine puchha.
betaabi meri aawaz mein saaf jhalak rahi thi.
magr muje koi parwaah nahi thi.
.
kuch palo ke liye ek jaanleva khamoshi chhaai rahi, jo ek darr paida kar rhi thi ke kya jawaab dega woh.
iis intazaar ki ghadi mein mere haath thande hote chale,
yehi dua thi, ke kahi usne apna mind change na kar diya ho.
.
"I don't know.." -uski aawaz mein chhipi siski ki kampan thi.
"I love you so much" -maine bina kuch soche jawaab diya.
aur apni hatheli par apna sar tika kar apni aankhe muunde raha mai.
soch raha tha ke aage kya kahu ke woh yaha aane ke liye raazi ho jaaye, aur muje apne aap ko explain karne ka, usey waapas jeet lene ka aisa ek mauka de, jiske liye mai laayak bhi nahi tha.
.
.
"please Ronnie, we need to talk"
"seven" -aawaaz mein jabardasti paida ki hui sakhti ke saath woh bola- "I'll come by seven."
"shall I cook some..."
"no, " -meri baat ko kaat'te hue woh bola- "I'll come for an hour. I need to get some things anyway."
.
do buund aansuo ki mere chehre se tapak kar nichey giri.
I didn't want him to only stay for an hour and fuck off.
I wanted him back; I wanted him to stay; I needed him not to leave again.
.
"aa.." -I started to say, magar usne fon kaat diya.
.
.
FUCK..maine fon apne desk par patak diya
tabhi kisi ne meri cabin ke darwaaze par knock kiya.
I had totally forgotten that i was in the office
.
Maine apni aankhein pochh li ;
apni peeth pichhe tika kar dono pair aaram se faila diye.
.
Solomon, of the technical support department, came inside.
"You alright Nikhil?" -usne concern ke saath puchha
"Yeah, "what's up..?"
.
Soloman mujse thoda sa short, aur ek slim magar achchi personality wala, good-looking ladka tha, umar Ronnie ke jitni hi, yaani ke mujse kuch saal chhota.
Office mein yeh ek hi banda tha, jiske saath mein kuch kuch intimate tha,
magar fir bhi personal baatein share nahi hoti thi, ham dono mein
.
"nothing much, but you alright mate..? You look...tired?"
"Honestly.. I'm fine."
"ok.. I just need to check some network details on your laptop, if that's ok.."
"Yeah no problem." -apni chair se uthte hue maine kaha- "I need to pop outside, so I'll leave you to it." -usko ek weak smile dete hue, maine apna fon utha kar usey kaha
aur office se bahar nikal liya.
.
Bike ke golve-box se ja kar cigs ka pack nikala aur unmein se ek jalaayi.
Ronnie ki absence ki wajah se jo heavy feelings aa rahi thi, usey mai fed-up ho chuka tha,
magar mai jaanta tha,
ke jab tak Ronnie laut kar nahi aata, iin se mera chhutkara nahi hone wala.
.
Fon par nazar daali to ek text-message aaya hua tha.
I had totally forgotten that my fon was on a silent-mode.
.
.
magar..
I wish I had not read it though, bcoz it made me want to break-down and sob.
I bitterly switched-off my fon and chucked it in my pocket.
.
aur fir apna nichla honth daanto taley zor se daba diya, apne aap ko rone se rokne ke
liye.
Usne jo ek sentence likha tha, woh chhota sa tha, magar kaafi jaanleva.."I hate you..'
.
.
ghar ja kar shave-shower se pehle maine ghar ko thoda sa thik-thaak kar liya.
I wanted to look my best for Ronnie,
toh Shower ke baad, baalo mein gel laga kar unhe chamka liya,
Ronnie ki pasand ki Calvin Klien ki Summer Pefume chhidak di.
Apni best-fitting jeans pehan kar, woh tank-top pehni, jiski Ronnie hardam taarif kiye rehta hai.
.
agar kuch success nahi hua, toh iis tarah Ronnie ko seduce karne ka plan bhi thoda thoda mere dimaag mein tha.
.
fir aaine mein apne aap ko dekha
mai koi bollywood-star ke jitna handsome na sahi, magar fir bhi good-looking banda hu,
5.9 ki height aur 68-70kg ka sehatmand, muscle-toned badan meri personality ko kaafi attractive banata hai.
hafte mein 3 din mai work-out ke liye jata hu magar pichle 4weeks se nahi ja paya hu,
toh thoda sa unfit lag rha tha, magar mere broad shoulders uski kami puuri karte hai.
.
Yeh wohi shoulders hai, sex karte waqt jisme aksar Ronnie apne nakhuun chubho deta hai.
Uske naakhun jyada bade toh nahi hai, magar fir bhi woh kuch kharonch toh de hi dete hai.
Kabhi kabhi toh khoon bhi nikal aata hai.
magar fir bhi ham wohi missionary-style mein sex karna pasand karte hai, kyo ke iis position mein, mai uski aankho mein aanke daal kar usey meri penetration enjoy karte mai dekh sakta hu.
Jab woh apni orgasm ke kareeb hota hai, tab woh behadd khubsurat lagta hai.
uski palkein ekdam bojhal ho jaati hai, jab woh meri aur taakte taakte, kilkaariyo ke beech apne haatho se apni climax achieve karta hai.
.
Dusro ke saath, mai yeh position kabhi try nahi karta.
Unhe toh bas khade khade, aage jhuka kar..
becoz I dont fuck others for intimacy, I just fuck them for pleasure.
.
Ronnie ke saath mai dusri ek position bhi try karta rehta hu kai ek baar.
for example jab sofa par hota hai sex,
toh apni gode mein bitha kar penetrate karte hue, mai uske purey badan par apne haath
pasaarta hu, uski gardan ko kiss karte karte, uske ozaar ko apne haatho ki karamaat se uski manzil dikhata hu.
.
I needed to stop thinking about sex.
bcoz I didn't have time to take care of a hard-on, right now.
.
.
Before it reached 7 o'clock, I quickly changed the bedding, kyo ke iispar aakhri kaun soya tha iis baat ka khyaal aate hi, Ronnie iis par sona bilkul pasand nahi karega.
.
Fir mai uska intazaar karne laga.
Maine apna fon switch-on kiya, magar yehi dua karta raha, ke Ronnie ki aur se fir se koi aisa hurtful text-msg na aaya ho.
.
magar ek msg tha Richard ka- "You fucking scumbag..!"
.
aah..
it means Ronnie ne atleast apne ghar mein kuch toh baat kar hi li hai.
thoda sa toh halka ho liya hai woh.
chalo achcha hai..
.
.
tabhi maine darwaaze par knock suna, aur maine fon drawer mein rakh diya.
I couldn't believe it, when i opened the door to see Ronnie.
.
I felt surprisingly hurt too, that he had not just walked in.
He still lived here...this was OUR home.
.
.
"Why did you knock?" I said sounding quiet and pathetic.
.
Woh meri taraf dekh nahi raha tha;
he was just staring down at the floor.
I wanted to cry again. Cry and pull him into a hug.
Mai side par khiska aur woh andar aaya
.
"I need to get some clothes." -woh badbadaya
"Ronnie, look at me." -maine urge kiya- "Please look at me...you're fucking killing me..."
"No." -dardnaak dheemi aawaz mein usne kaha.
.
maine uska haath pakda;
usey khinch kar living-room mein lekar aaya;
aur mere paas bithaya.
.
usne kisi bhi tarah resist nahi kiya.
uski aisi halat dekh kar meri feelings par se mera control jaata rha.
Woh khud bhi toh bilkul tuuta hua nazar aa rha tha.
.
.
"I'm sorry." -maine siskiyo ke beech kaha- "I'm so sorry."
"Why Nikhil..?" -waise hi dheeme swar mein woh bola- "Why did you do it..? Why..? wasn't I enough for you..?"
.
Mainie uske chehre ko apni hatheliyo me lekar usey meri taraf dekhne ko majbuur kiya.
"What I did, has nothing to do with you." -maine roti hui aawaaz mein jawab diya- "You're more than enough for me Ronnie, I swear.."
.
Usne mere haatho ko dhakel kar khada hona chaha, magar maine aisa nahi hone diya.
Uski baanh pakad kar usey fir nichey sofa par khincha.
.
"Ronnie -"
.
"I didn't think you' would ever hurt me like this, Nikhil." -He sobbed- "I thought we were happy. I tried so hard to make you happy.."
.
"You do make me happy. Everyday you make me happy." -I wept- "Ronnie I wouldn't exchange you for the whole world.."
.
"Bullshit." -He whimpered- "You wouldn't cheat if you were happy.."
.
.
Rehte rehte hamari siskiyaa kuch halki hokar sirf aansuo mein tabdil hoti gayi
aur meine realise kia ke mai abhi tak usey pakde hue hu, toh maine apni pakad dhili kar di.
.
"Who was he? How long have you been...seeing him for?"
.
Shit..!!!
Obviously, mai aise sawaalat ko expect toh kar hi raha tha,
magar I didn't know what to answer.
.
Mai usey nahi batana chahta thha ke Aasif sirf akela ladka nahi hai, ke jiski wajah se maine usey cheat kiya hai.
Aur mai uus gay-bar "Woodoo", jaha mai frequently jaya karta tha, uska bhi zikar nahi karna chahta tha.
mai usey kabhi bhi aisa nahi keh sakta tha, ke Aasif ko mai Woo-doo mein mila tha..!!!
.
toh.. I had to improvise.
"two weeks before." -maine jawaab diya, magar jhutha
.
"Who is he? How do you know him?" -Ronnie ne shaky voice mein puchha.
.
"We used to go to school together." -darrte hue mai aage bola- "He got in touch a few days ago and he asked me to go out for a drink, then one thing led to another."
.
"Why...why...?" -aankho se fir aansu ke nikalte, uski aawaaz ko nikalne mein dikkat hone lagi
.
Ronnie ko aur bhi jyada upset hote dekhna mere liye totally devastating tha.
I wanted to comfort him, and not feel him worse.
Mai usey halka feel karne ki koshish mein tha magar woh aur hi bojhal hue ja rha tha.
.
"I don't know." - apni aawaz ke volume ko ho sake utna low karte hue maine bass itna hi jawab diya
.
"Do you love him..? Seriously..?"
.
"No Ronnie no, of course not. I love you and only you. It was just a plain sex with him, nothing else."
.
'sex' ka naam suunte hi uske chehra dard se badsurat ho gaya,
shayad woh ek reminder tha uus raat ka jab usne muje aur Aasif ko woh karte hue pakad liya tha.
.
"I need to know something," -usne kaampti hui aawaz mein puchha-. "At Rocky's funeral, when you disappeared for half an hour...were you with him?"
.
.
Well that really fucking hurt..!!
I couldn't believe ke Ronnie aisi baat karega.
Uske bhai ki maiyat par bhi mai usey cheat karne mein busy tha.. waisa bhi woh sochne laga tha..!
mai itna giir gaya uski nigaho mein..?
.
Uus maiyat ke din, Ronnie absolute mess condition mein tha.
Woh puuri tarah se tukdo mein bikhar chuka tha, apne chahite bhai ki laash ko dafnate hue dekh kar.
It was fucking heartbreaking to see him that way.
Whole the time woh muje pakad kar hi rakhta tha.
Maine apni best koshish kari thi usey samhaalne ki, use comfort dene ki.
Magar uski pain ko halka karna utna aasan nahi tha.
At one point I did sneak off..
but it was just for a cigarette.
Yeh khudgarzi thi, magar muje 5mins chahiye thi mere apne liye.
Ronnie ko itna guumsuum aur inconsolable dekh kar mera dil bhi itna tensed tha, ke ek cigrette shayad kuch relief de sakti hai, aisa muje laga tha.
.
"No Ronnie." -I said quietly- "Like I said you, I've only been in touch with Aasif for a couple of weeks."
.
"Aasif..? His name's Aasif..?" -he sounded so bitter now.
Ronnie ko ab ek naam mil gaya tha 'uus' ke liye.
.
Maine uska haath thaamte hue haami bhari.
Ronnie mera haath chhura kar ab khada ho gaya,
aur abki baar maine usey pakad kar roka nahi.
.
"Why did you do it Nikhil?" -He sobbed- "Why did you cheat on me?"
"I'm sorry. I really am. I never wanted to hurt you, I love you so much.."
"If you loved me, you wouldn't have slept with someone else.." -woh chilla utha- "Just tell me why you did it please. I need to know what wrong I did..."
.
Woh ab khul kar ro rha tha
aur usey aisa dekhna bahut hi mushkil ho rha tha mere liye, especially jab ke mai jaanta tha, ke uski iis condition ke liye mai responsible hu.
.
Wo yaha-waha ghuum rha tha, jaise ke samaj mein na aa rha ho, ke ab kya kare woh.
Apne baalo mein berehmi se woh ungliya chubho raha tha
aur uski aankho ke baandh tuut chuke thhe.
.
Dusri aur, mai sofa par baitha tha,
mere jivan ke pyaar ko tukdo mein bant'te hue dekhta hua
.
"You didn't do anything wrong, Ronnie" -I whimpered- "It was just sex Ronnie. Not even good sex. Not as good as when we –"
.
"Shut up!" -woh fir se chilla utha- "Just tell me why. Nikhil tell me why you did it. There has to be a reason why you cheated on me..Was I not good enough in bed or something? Or -"
.
"Ronnie you're perfect in every way. Trust me when I tell you that you've done NOTHING wrong, please.."
.
"I'm not STUPID Nikhil..Everyone knows that there's always a reason for cheating, so just tell me..!"
.
.
mai taajjub ho gaya ke ab muje Ronnie par gussa aa raha tha.
woh kyu meri baat nahi maan raha tha, ke iismein uska koi fault nahi hai.
Maine usey cheat kiya tha, kyo ke iisme se muje kaafi excitement milti thi.
.
"I was selfish Ronnie. It was just a fuck. That's it. Nothing else." -maine firmly kaha- "believe me please.."
.
"But why?" -woh bola- "Why didn't you...sleep with me, instead..?"
.
Now...
this was torture.
He was clearly in emotional turmoil over the betrayal that I had committed.
.
"I should have Ronnie...I'm sorry."
"Is sex with me boring..? Was it better with him..?" -uski aawaz ab firm hoti chali- "do you want us to do it in the way you did with him..?
.
mai be-dhangi tarike se khada ho gaya.
I was desperate ke Ronnie meri baat suune aur use believe kare.
.
No Ronnie." -maine request-tone mein kaha-. "I love sex with you. It's perfect. I wouldn't change anything about us, I promise. You're everything I would ever need Ronnie."
.
"ok, have sex with me in the way you did with him." -usne shaky awaaz mein demand kari.
.
"No Ronnie." -maine firm aawaz mein jawaab diya
.
"Please. I know that's what you want. It'll make you happy, please.."
.
"NO..!" -badhti hui frustration ke chalte, mai chilla utha
.
.
dusre ladko ke saath jaise mera hota tha, waise Ronnie ke saath nahi ho sakta.
Mai Ronnie ko love karta tha, uska respect karta tha.
Woh koi aisa ladka nahi tha jo ke sirf fuck karne ke liye ho.
mai usey itna pyar karta tha, ke maans ke ek latthe ki tarah mai usey kabhi treat nahi kar sakta.
He deserved much more than that.
Meaningless shagging se, kai ek guuna jyada paane ke laayak tha, woh.
.
"Why not Nikhil..? "Why not, if it'll make you happy with me, if it makes you not want to go elsewhere..."
.
"I AM happy with you!" -I shouted- "I don't want to fuck you the way I do the others..! I just want us to go back to how we were before..!"
.
mai fauran chuup ho gaya jab maine dekha ke woh muje ghuur raha hai.
Woh ab upset aur shocked, dono lag raha tha.
.
"Others..? besides Aasif..? " -usne na maan'ne waali aawaz mein puchha.
.
.
Fuck...!!!!!! (contd..)
.
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